I don't want more kids

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

By what you wrote, your husband says that for him it’s not reason enough to get a divorce, but I think it is very important for your husband to really understand that for you it’s out of the question. So that he doesn’t take you loving your daughter and being with her as a sign, that eventually you are going to be willing to have another one. If you feel that he really gets it, than the consequence for him should be, that he won’t push, won’t drop hints or anything as it makes you feel bad.

But in no case should you have a baby if you don’t want to. And you’re absolutely entitled to feel the way you feel. Only if you think that you could feel different about it, when some things would be different as they are now, or that you would get help from outside with another baby. But it seems to me that it wouldn’t make a difference for you.

Post # 3
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

((HUGS)) You are a good mom and you are totally valid to choose not to want to have another child.

I think maybe you need to have a more direct conversation with your husband. Tell him that you do not EVER see yourself having another baby. You are happy with the one you have and you would like for him to stop pushing this issue and bringing it up. Be firm.

He will most likely try to play it down, but be insistent so he gets the message. From there he can decide to accept it and let it go, or maybe he cant and that changes how you guys feel about staying married.

This is such a tough situation and neither of you are wrong. But you do need some room to breathe and for him to take your feelings seriously.

Post # 4
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
anniebunny :  I think you need to frankly tell him that you will not have another child. Tell him you’re going to get your tubes tied next month and see how he reacts. 

It is completely emotionally unhealthy for you to constantly be pressured (whether purposefully or indirectly) by the person who claims he “understands” that you don’t want another child. You need to present him with two options:

a.) he agrees that he is not simply “okay”, but happy to remain a one-child household and will not mention having more children ever again

b.) he acknowledges that only one child is a dealbreaker for him and you divorce 

Why you don’t want another child is completely irrelevant to the conversation, because as you can see, he’ll just try to sway you by saying how good of a mom you are or whatever. Regardless of what people say, parenthood isn’t something that makes all women feel happy and fulfilled. And that is okay. Neither you nor your husband are wrong for feeling the way that you do about extending your family—he’s only wrong for continuing to mention it/hint at it after you’ve already told him no. 

Do NOT be pressured into making a lifelong commitment of having another child. You’ll then just grow to resent your life, husband, AND baby. I’m sorry you’re in this predicament, bee. 

 

Post # 5
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee

Have you really expressed to him that you’re MISERABLE? Reading your post, you DEFINITELY don’t sound like you enjoy motherhood, and you definitely sound unhappy. I’m surprised he doesn’t feel that from you–unless he does and just doesn’t want to accept it. Either way, I think it’s important that you explain to him that you are deeply unhappy with this, so maybe he’ll get the picture. 

Post # 6
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Totally relatable and one of the big reasons I don’t want kids is how you feel right now is exactly how I know I will feel. 

My fiancé was once pushy on a private matter and wouldn’t drop it and I fully explained that if he didn’t drop it I didn’t know if we could be together anymore and he promised to stop bringing it up and has worked hard to. In life there are compromises but you can still be happy 🙂

Post # 7
Member
6886 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
anniebunny :  Toddlerhood sucks ass, it does get better as the child ages.  My son was horrible toddler.  He is much better now as a elementary school child.  Have you tried reaching out to get play dates/or friends who can child swap with you so you can have some me time.  Unfortunately most of the child rearing is put on mom’s and we put up so much.  Have a heart to heart talk with your husband how you feel and feel that having one child is just enough.  

Post # 8
Member
3865 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

You know next whether or not you feel another child would be detrimental to your life or not. If you know that you are one and done, your husband needs to accept that without question. Now accepting that might mean that the relationship may come to an end if having more children is very important to him. The issue is that neither of you are wrong for feeling what you’re feeling around the topic of having more children, but you may have reached a point of incompatibility because if it.

Children are a no compromise zone. You’re in 100% or you’re not.  If you don’t want another child and have one anyway, you will suffer mentally and emotionally, and so will your family. This is a tough situation to be in and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I hope you can get him to understand the negative impact having another child will have on the entire family. 

Post # 9
Member
2563 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I wonder if anything can be done so that you enjoy being a parent more? I hate to think of anyone white-knuckling it through life. 

For the record, I really didn’t like the baby or toddler stage with my kids. I wasn’t miserable, but I didn’t rush home from work, either. I much preferred the teenage years. So much fun! Maybe you will find that a later stage of parenting will be more enjoyable.

(And, of course, take having any other kids off the table) 

Post # 10
Member
9210 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
anniebunny :  Aside from what pp’s have said, have you been assessed for PPD? 

Post # 11
Member
385 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
drabbee :  My fiancé was once pushy on a private matter and wouldn’t drop it and I fully explained that if he didn’t drop it I didn’t know if we could be together anymore and he promised to stop bringing it up and has worked hard to. In life there are compromises but you can still be happy

How was that a compromise?

Post # 12
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
Hunnibee88 :  Maybe the compromise was he stopped bringing it up and they stayed together. Regardless, what does your response have to do with OP’s situation? 

Post # 13
Member
5113 posts
Bee Keeper

Why would anyone give you hate? To the contrary I give you points for honesty and knowledge of yourself. That being said, I highly suggest making an appt with your PCP and telling him/her how you feel. Depression can be insidious, and the care of a small child can exacerbate your feelings. You need to be very blunt with your husband today and tell him you’re already sliding into depression and this is no slight matter. He needs to understand that the birth of another child could send you over the esge.

Post # 14
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2020 - Round Rock, TX

Bee it sounds like you may have postpartum depression.  It is a very real and scary thing! I think it is a good idea for you to be checked out, because they may be able to help you feel better.  At the very least, make you stop being miserable.

 

As for not wanting more kids, that is totally understandable! It is no one’s business but your own whether or not you want kids.  I think you are very brave and awesome for being so upfront and honest about your feelings.  I get the idea that you love your daughter, but don’t enjoy being a mother.  And that’s okay! As long as you are still taking care of her and not taking it out on her, and I really get the idea that you are a great mom just based on your openness.  Make sure your husband is totally on the same page as you and understands that more kids is not an option.  Him saying that it isn’t a reason for a divorce could just be him hoping you’ll change your mind.

Regardless, make sure he understand exactly how firm on this you are.  And again, please get checked out for PPD!

Hugs, bee!!

Post # 15
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

Is anyone taking care of YOU?! If not, I hope you’ll redirect ur priorities in that direction. It’s hard to be selfish with a kid I’m sure but if it means asking him to take her for more time so you can be alone, it’s important. Maybe then he won’t just be there for the fun and games and will experience the tantrums and difficulties. Andrea Yates was a mom who experienced PPD and her husband ignored all advice and kept wanting more kids. Guess who’s in a mental facility now while the other gets to live free? Sending you so much love n support. 

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