Post # 1
Hi everyone. I hope this doesn’t seem insensitive, and I’m not sure how to handle it.
My parents separated when I was 12 years old (I’ll be 23 in February). My mother was very mature, never talked poorly about my dad in front of my sisters and I, and always wanted us to have a relationship with him. My father not only degraded my momma every chance he got but felt that because he was separated from my mom, that it excused him from ALL financial responsibility. He didn’t help my mother one bit, and she struggled, which I never knew until much later. She never let us see that she was struggling and we never went without.
My mother met an amazing man named Joe and has been with him for the last 8 years. They married a year ago. When he came into our lives he didn’t think twice about taking care of us and being there for us, mainly emotionally. He was and continues to be SO supportive and he makes my momma so happy.
theoughout all this time, my father did some really terrrible things to a lot of people that I won’t get into. Nothing illegal or anything, but VERY shitty and revealing of his true character. I have grown to very much dislike the man he is. We have a relationship, but we are more “acquaintances” than father and daughter. The only reason this relationship exists is because of his new wife (who is WONDERFUL!) and makes an effort to reach out to me constantly- he does not.
ANYWAYS, my boyfriend of four years proposed on Christmas Eve and we have decided to have a destination wedding- we want in to be small and intimate with very close family. My twin sister has known for a long time that I want my stepfather to be the one to give me away, and she told my father this- and according to various family members he is very upset! He Thinks I am betraying him and disregarding our relationship… But what relationship is there to disregard? We don’t have one!
i haven’t even talked to him about this (I live 3 hours from home) and he hasn’t reached out to me but is reaching out to several others. How do I go about smoothing this over? As bad of a person as he is, he is my father and I do love him. I’m just not sure what to do!
Post # 3
@meglor: I’ve been avoiding hacing that convo w my bio dad as well. I asked my dad to walk me dolpen the aisle right away but I hate conflict and upsetting people so I’ve just been avoiding having that convo w my bio dad
Post # 4
@meglor: Have you thought about asking your mom to walk you down the aisle? It’s a bit untraditional but she seems to really be the one who has taken care of you! That way you don’t have to choose and I’m sure your step-dad would understand.
Post # 5
I think you just need to bite the bullet and confront him over the phone. Stop the nonsense of him calling everyone except the one person who’s decision this truly is!
As an aside that was not your sisters place whatsoever
Post # 6
@weatherbug: I agree, having mom do it could be lovely.
Another idea, from someone else who is fighting the absent dad vs stepdad choice, is to walk down the aisle along with Fiance. That’s what I’m doing.
don’t be guilted into letting dad get his way if it’s not what you want, particularly if he’s been so awful. He’s not entitled and you don’t owe it to him. He’ll have to get over it.
Post # 7
@weatherbug: I have actually suggested this to her, and she made the suggestion of having both of them walk me down the aisle- my step-father would do it in a heartbeat and would understand why I would want to do it; my biological father wouldn’t do it in a million years. She doesn’t feel it is her place; and I really do want my step-father to do it.
@MsJ2theZ: I’m not sure why he hasn’t contacted me directly, but I do need to call him. I’ve just been super avoiding it because I don’t want him to attempt to put me on a guilt trip. I hate reminding him of his absense but I know that’s what I would end up doing. I don’t want to be mean to him.. but I know I need to call.
Post # 8
@MsJ2theZ: Oh, and I absolutely agree about my sister. Loves to start drama wherever possible -_-
Post # 9
@meglor: “I really do want my step-father to do it.”
I think that’s the bottom line on the matter. Stay strong as you navigate these tricky waters!
Post # 10
I had my father walk me down the aisle… I didn’t want to and really did it as a favor for my grandma. I’ve posted about it several times…
I honestly regret it for several reasons that I wont get into again…
You can always walk yourself down the aisle, or just have your mother!
Or, you can just tell your father how it is and let it be known that in your life, actions have consequences. If he wants to build a relationship with you after, he can feel free. But until he respects you as a daughter and person, there will be no relationship.
Good luck! I know this situation is tough! keep us updated!
Post # 11
@meglor: yeah it’s not going to be pleasant I’m sure but that’s the only way to nip it.
It certainly wasn’t very nice of her! totally took the control of how you handle the situation away from you.
Post # 12
I’m not letting my father walk me down the aisle for VERY similar reasons.
I haven’t told him yet, but I plan on saying something like “Dad, I still want a relationship with you but I am asking mom to walk me down the aisle. I feel like she was there for me more throughout my life. I still want to have a father daughter dance with you, and I hope you and I can work on our relationship in the future.”
If he starts whining I am just going to say something like “Mom really earned this”
We haven’t talked much over the last few years, he doesn’t really know my fiance (maybe four times total) and he hasn’t mentioned anything about the wedding since I’ve been engaged. :/
Post # 13
@meglor: wow I went through the same exact thing! Te only difference is my parents divorced recently and neither are remarried or in relationships. My dad did everything your dad did and then some and I didn’t have him walk me either. I felt as if he embarrassed me and my mom and brothers enough that he didn’t really deserve to walk me so i had my two brothers walk me and everyone understood and it was fine. I know it hurt him but he has hurt us in so many ways that I couldn’t let him. he lived and your dad will live. My dad was hurt and upset but he chose to forget about it and keep a relationship with me although it is a lot like your and your dads, we’re not close we are just nice to eachother when we see eachother which isn’t often. He will just have to choose if he wants to dwell over it or move on!
Post # 14
@lolita39: @CakeyP: @MissSweetiepie: its unfortunate that you guys have had similar situations. I am hoping to have a relationship with him, but it’s not like my life will end if he never wants to talk to me again (which I think is very extreme and I don’t think he would take it THAT far), and I hate that I feel that way. My dad barely aknowledged the engagement until he heard he wasn’t an integral part Of my plans.
Post # 15
I don’t think I’d say anything to him about it. And if he says anything about it, just say “Oh, I have someone to give me away.”
I wouldn’t play into his drama or issues.
Post # 16
Yikes, I feel for you!
If you really want your step-dad, that’s what you should do. It’s your wedding day. And a very essential moment in your wedding day!
If you just want NOT YOUR DAD you can also walk alone.
I know it’s different, but I’m also having an issue with this…my mom wants to walk me down the aisle and she’s absolutely and totally earned it. However, so has my dad. I personally want to walk alone just because for me it will be less distracting during those moments but I really don’t want to hurt their feelings.
I think ask your mom or step-dad and if your dad asks you about it DIRECTLY you can explain that “[mom/stepdad] has been a great source of emotional support for me in my life, and I know that’s who I will need to have by my side supporting me in that important moment”