(Closed) I don't want my dad to walk me down the aisle

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: The Retreat at Bradley\'s Pond

So I see 2 points of it. 

I’m sure has thought about walking you down as it is generally assumed it’s the father’s role. But I would talk with him that it’s best they (and and your evil stepmother-insert sarcasm here) enjoy the view and ceremony from the first pews. This isn’t about their withdrawl of money this is about the less than supportive father-daughter relationship over the years (which has led to a really bad relationship with your SM). Just state, that you would feel more comfortable walking with person X. He must feel the strained relationship too. Do you want to do the father-daughter dance and such together? Maybe offer that as a consolation prize and that he and his wife can still walk out for the processional in the ceremony. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the SM decides to not show up for the wedding after showing her backside. 

The reality and hurtful realization is that people are who they want to be and only change when THEY want to. He could have changed about his new wife and how to handles things but the reality is he’s let her control their decisions. And to a point I get it- their a team united in marriage. You’re about to be the same. Husbands, before children- that’s how a marriage works. I’m not saying any of what they’ve said or done is right (it’s downright terrible).

Me, personally, I wouldn’t write a letter or have anything that the stepwife could get her hands on (email, text, etc). Bottomline, she’ll find a way to use it against you. Don’t get her ammunition and you won’t get burned. 

The former bridesmaid and wedding photographer in me says don’t walk down the aisle alone- whatever you do. It’s too emotional and big of a moment. The girl ends up sobbing and they don’t remember it and it’s intense. In most cases, the girl walks with her mom (my friend did this) but as yours passed away (I”m sorry!) I think you have 2 options: find another close and supportive family member… OR, have your fiance meet you half way and bring you up to the altar. You want to be proud in the moment, not self conscience and sad. A grandparent, aunt, or heck- walk with your maid of honor! I promise a hand to hold in that moment takes so much stress away. 

Really talk to your fiance about this, get the confidance and support from him on how to handle- or practice the dialogue you’re going to have with your dad to get the stress out. I’m sad to hear how their dampering your day. It’s sad to see how manipulative family can be around these events. 

 

Post # 18
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I’m not very close with my dad and I don’t want to cause hurt feelings by asking someone else to walk me down the aisle. For me, it feels right to walk down the aisle alone so what I plan to do is walk down the aisle by myself, pause at the first row of seats to hug my mom, dad, and grandma, then take the last few steps to meet my fiancé at the altar. It gives me the chance to have a special moment with my family but not picking and choosing and causing hurt or uncomfortable feelings. 

Post # 19
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Also, my (half)sisters dad was absent for a large part of her life because he was on drugs and just fucking up in general. He only ever showed up to ask her for money. She let him walk her down the aisle and did the father daughter dance in lieu of doing it with my dad who was much more of a father figure to her because she thought she was “supposed” to. She regrets it to this day.

Post # 20
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: The Retreat at Bradley\'s Pond

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alexvespertine :  I actually saw that at a wedding I shot several years ago.. girl lost her dad and then weeks before the wedding lost her step dad. The groom had already lost his mother.

So she walked 1/2 way down (and mind you she was sobbing… this is hateful but ugly crying cause she was 21 and overwhelmed). And on cue in the song the groom went down and got up and they went up to the altar together. There was something symbolic about doing things together and taking steps together. It worked for them. 

And this is hateful, but if your stepmother is so “for” feminism and taking care of yourself and not needing family to pay for things then I think you walking out alone is right in line. So I would say that as part of the discussion with that side of the family/dad. It’s a bit of a stinger but it lays it out properly.

Post # 21
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: The Retreat at Bradley\'s Pond

And for the record, my Brother-In-Law is a total mess up as well like someone else was talking about drugs. It makes me sad that my husband and Mother-In-Law have no relationship with him now and that he wasn’t invited to the wedding but he wouldn’t have acted right and it wasn’t a day for him to be… “him”.

Post # 22
Member
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Do not have him walk you down the aisle. He hasn’t earned it and he lets his vile wife verbally abuse you – in my eyes that’s as bad as abusing you himself. Both my parents walked me down, because they are awesome and they earned that honor. Your dad did not.

And I agree with the prior poster, if your dad and stepmother say anything about this, point out that since it’s not “feminist” to accept parental help with wedding funds, it’s certainly not “feminist” to have a man give you away! 

Post # 23
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

My fiance is going to stand at the altar, then walk down to the entry and take my hand. We will walk together as we are embarking on this together. 

Post # 24
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I don’t want my dad to walk me down the aisle either. I haven’t told him yet but I don’t think he’ll be surprised. Me, my fiance and our 8 month old son will be walking down the aisle together as a family. The thought of my dad walking me down feels so fake and forced! Stick to your guns, bee x

Post # 25
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I had zero relationship with my father when I got married at 21…in fact I’d barely seen him for the decade previously (he worked abroad and rarely came home).  I didn’t really want anyone walking me down the aisle but my mother basically forced me to have my father do so…he only turned up at 11pm the night before the wedding, didn’t talk to anyone that night and barely said 5 words before the wedding ceremony.  

The next day I left on my honeymoon…that was the last time I saw him, as while I was away he left my mother for another woman.  That was nearly 27 years ago.  

If I could go back in time there would be no way in hell it would happen.  I think it’s a horrible tradition – a woman is her own person, she doesn’t need ‘giving away’ by anybody.  The sooner it dies out the better.

Post # 26
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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alexvespertine :  Oh my dear bee. I totally feel for you. 

My dad didn’t walk me down the aisle, nor did he attend my wedding. It’s a long story but basically he had an affair and left my mother in 2006 after over 20 years of marriage. 

He’s very similar to yours in that he doesn’t know how to express his emotions and tends to address everyone in quite a corporate manner (he has a very senior position in his company which sometimes crosses over into his home life). 

When it came to my wedding, I knew it was going to be awkward as there was no way his new wife (the same woman he had an affair with) and my mother could be in the same room. Ultimately we had a destination wedding, and I told my dad he wouldn’t be able to bring his wife. 

Throughout the planning process he had no interest in anything and contributed nothing to proceedings emotionally or financially. When I finally addressed it with him and told him how hurt I was by his disinterest he blew up, accused me of only being interested in money, and said I’d handled my whole wedding ‘very badly’. I pointed out to him that I’d have given anything for a normal wedding with both my parents together, but that had been taken from me so it was up to me to make the difficult choices. In the end he made the choice not to attend my big day without his wife by his side. 

Ultimately my wedding was the most wonderful day of my life and I actually don’t regret the fact he wasn’t there. After everything my mum bad been through there was no way I was going to put her through the emotional turmoil of seeing him with his former mistress… 

We have actually managed to maintain a relationship since and I’m glad I stood my ground on an issue that meant so much to me. 

What I’d say to you is this – do what you feel is right for you and what will bring you the most peace on your wedding day. You only get one shot at it. The memories you make on your big day will be the ones you take into the future with you, so you need to do what feels right. 

Don’t let anyone tell you that because he fathered you he deserves the place at your side. Respect and love needs to be earned on both sides. 

Post # 27
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m not close to my dad. Never have been.  I knew it was something I never wanted. If you don’t want him, you do not have to. Don’t let anyone make you feel about for it. 

 

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