(Closed) I don't want stepfather to be apart of the aisle procession

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 136
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

justwondering2015:  Why are people on here so fucking mean? OP doesn’t sound like a brat at all. It would be bad enough if she felt abandoned by a mother and step-father who did everything they can to integrate their family. But it sounds like her mother very much chose to create a “new” family, regardless of how it impacted her daughter. That is a LOT to deal with as a CHILD, and those feelings of hurt and resentment can carry on for a long time. Why do so many bees boil everything down to a black/white issue?? 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  Syzygy88.
Post # 137
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Soon2bmrs1:  I get what you’re saying – that OP’s stepfather is her mother’s husband. But I think the message OP wants to drive home is “I was her DAUGHTER.” Basically, why should she make him feel accepted for 10 minutes at her wedding ceremony when he made her feel unwanted and uncomfortable for decades?

Honestly, OP, I say let your mother walk with her brother or not work at all. I DO think you need to find someone to talk to and heal. But you know what? Fuck “happy family” charades for appearances. Don’t do anything you’ll regret in ten years – either way.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  Syzygy88.
Post # 138
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

mcal89:  Hmmm…well OP I don’t have much advice to give other than do what will make YOU happy. This is your wedding and you – not a bunch of strangers on the internet – are the one that has to live with the memories. It would be a shame to have to look back on your wedding and regret any moment of it because you took the advice of people you’ve never met before.

Post # 139
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - home

You do NOT have to recognize him as a father. I do think it is disrespectful not not acknowledge him as your mother’s husband. He belongs by her side, not yours.

Post # 140
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Syzygy88:  I get what you’re saying, but we’re interpreting the OP’s experiences very differently. For the first 5 or 6 pages of this post the OP said things to indicate that it was HER choice to leave her mother and stepfather, and that her stepfather never did anything specific to make her feel unwanted, he just didn’t bond with her like he did her half-brother.

I moved in with her after my mom had my half brohter. I felt that I didn’t fit in completely with her new family. My mom allowed it because my grandmother lived close to my father and I stayed with him at times. 

<– This doesn’t sound like her mom abandoned her to start a new family to me. It sounds like the OP didn’t like living at home, and her mom agreed to let her live with her father because the OP was having a difficult time adjusting emotionally to the new situation.

It hurt when he and my mom married and she started a family with him, it hurt when she said that he was the man she had been waiting for her whole life. It was like she didn’t think much of what she had with my father. When I was 14 and they had their son, I decided to let them have their family.

<– Again, this sounds like the OP wasn’t abandoned. It sounds like she made the decision to move in with her father because she didn’t like that her mother remarried and had a second child. Which, at 10, is a totally reasonable feeling. But she’s not 10 anymore.

They always gave off the vibe…
I don’t think he ever realized it
He wasn’t outright rude to me…

<– This doesn’t sound like the mother and stepfather did anything wrong here, it sounds like they didn’t even realize that the OP felt this way at the time. Granted, the OP does contradict this later in the thread.

It has been hard for me to move on from. Part of the reason, is because my parents didn’t stay married and my mom probably never loved my dad that much. It is hard to see her have family life with someone that isn’t my father.

<– This seems like the root of the issue. The OP hasn’t been able to move on from her parent’s divorce. This is one of the reason bees have been suggesting counseling.

I’m quoting all of this to explain that people aren’t seeing her as a poster who was abandoned by her family and now doesn’t want them involved in her special day. Instead she’s come across as someone who had a tough time dealing with her parent’s divorce and subsequent remarriage, and is holding this against her step father now 20-some years later (I’m assuming the OP is in her late 20’s).

People seem to all agree that the stepfather shouldn’t walk her down the aisle. However, it seems unreasonable that her mother shouldn’t be escorted to her seat by her husband of 20-odd years because the OP still doesn’t like him.

Post # 141
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow, my quotes made this post waaaay longer than I originally intended. Sorry!

Post # 142
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Soon2bmrs1:  I agree with a lot of what you’re saying, in that pre-teens/teens do not understand the world of adults. OP could still be reacting to this situation like a 14-year-old; trauma can make you feel stuck in a certain role. That said, 10-14 (not sure of timeline) is a very young age to decide to move out of your house *because you don’t think you’re wanted.* And people don’t have to explicitly call you a burden to make you feel unwanted. Her stepfather resented paying for her – he did not want his wife to pay for things FOR HER DAUGHTER. And her mother COMPLIED. I get upset when my SO (my grown partner) is weird about paying for things – it makes me feel as if we’re not a team. I can’t imagine having my mother do that to me and then watch her provide lots of affection, time, and money to my sibling.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  Syzygy88.
Post # 143
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Syzygy88:  I completely agree with you. If that’s actually how it went down (and we only have the OP’s 14 year old interpretation of the situation to base our opinions on), then that was a shitty decision by her mom and stepfather. But the OP needs to get some counseling to deal with those feelings and experiences – and frankly she needs to figure out why she’s so mad at the stepfather and not at her own mother who, like you point out, COMPLIED.

The OP shouldn’t seperate a man and his wife of 20-some years at her wedding, because she felt slighted by the two of them two decades ago. Like I said earlier, she could have made the decision to not invite them. She decided to invite them. No matter how much you don’t like the guy, you’ve invited him to your wedding and he’s attending WITH his WIFE. Seperating them is petty and childish. As many other PP’s have said – two wrongs do not make a right. 

Post # 144
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

Soon2bmrs1:  “The OP shouldn’t seperate a man and his wife of 20-some years at her wedding, because she felt slighted by the two of them two decades ago. Like I said earlier, she could have made the decision to not invite them. She decided to invite them. No matter how much you don’t like the guy, you’ve invited him to your wedding and he’s attending WITH his WIFE. Seperating them is petty and childish. As many other PP’s have said – two wrongs do not make a right.”

Bingo.

Post # 145
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

time to get the fuck over it

Post # 148
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

Syzygy88:  And why am I getting singled out for being mean? I’m not the one who used that word first.

And on that note, while you’re asking why some bees are so mean, why don’t we ask– why do some bees want to use any excuse to justify rudeness? The OP is being unnecessarily rude to her mother and step-father. Yes, the step-father and mother did not act very parental, and were very neglectful and mean at times. But, again…. two wrongs do not make a right.

Post # 150
Member
1910 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

You’re making conflicting statements. You said you and your Fiance only want those close to you in the processional. You also said you’re not close to your mom (But she’s in the processional). You’ve also said that your stepfather was not outright rude to you. But, your mom is the one who put your stepfather on a pedestal and in your opinion, downplayed her marriage to your father. So if you can allow your mother to be in the processional, then you should swallow your pride and allow your stepfather to escort her. IMO, she was more wrong than he because she is your blood, so the onus was on her to ensure that you were in an easily adaptable situation. Your stepfather could only do what your mother allowed, and it sounds like she said the more hurtful things, and he was more passive with his involvement. I’m part of a blended family as well, and there’s even a professional family picture I was left out of. But guess what, life’s too short to hold onto resentment for something so miniscule in the grand scheme of things. I think you should talk to a counselor and sort out these feelings you’re still holding onto this many years later.

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