(Closed) I don't want stepfather to be apart of the aisle procession

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 151
Member
1396 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

WOW, at this thread. OP, It is YOUR wedding do what you want, in the end you are going to anyway. I get that your mom and stepfather were rude to you years ago, but holding a grudge against someone for the way he treated you (non abusive) is not healthy. It also makes you sound like a total brat (bridezilla). I agree with not letting him walk you down the aisle, but actually doing everything in your “damn power” to shun him at your wedding and seperate him and your mother is WRONG in every single way. No matter how bad you “hate” him that IS your MOTHERS HUSBAND.

I am not trying to be mean by no means just putting it out there, you need to seek therapy or counseling and get over the fact of them not parenting you and buying you things when you were younger. SOunds like to me you were spoiled growing up and when your mom got married to your stepfather he realized how she was spoiling you and put a stop to it and you did not like that.

It is WRONG in every way to not let him walk his wife down the aisle at your wedding, and i promise you, you think it will be “getting back at him” while later it will come back to bite you in the ass!!

Post # 152
Member
1396 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I mean yes my step dad walked me down the aisle and to this day i totally regret it because he is a liar and manipulative, but i do not hold a grudge against him, i talk to my mom and not him. Example: WHen we have a baby gender reveal party I will be inviting BOTH of them, i will not single my step father out just because of his rudeness and things he did to me in the past. He is my mothers husband and will be in my childs life if and when my mother sees or keeps the child. I am not going to tell him he cant come and or see the child, that is extremely childish and immature and PETTY!!

 

By The Way, How old are you again??

Post # 153
Member
2152 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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mcal89:  I was upset with my Dad because of a bunch of things that happened when I was a teenager. You know what I did? I grew up, forgave and forgot, and asked my Dad to walk me down the aisle. Because that’s what adults do. There is no reason for your step-dad not to walk your mom down the aisle.

But, by all means, be a child and hold grudges.

Post # 154
Member
3681 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

If you’re mad at both of them, don’t have either in the procession.  Just have them as guests.  

Post # 155
Member
6002 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

 

mcal89:  Ok I’m going to be blunt with you.

First let me say I am a child of a broken home too. My mom married my stepdad when I was 13 and I’m now 30.

YOU NEED THERAPY. Like asap. It’s completely unhealthy for you to still be holding so tightly to this kind of bitterness. Ya know the best thing about your childhood? it’s over!!! yep. It’s long gone and you are the one who’s in control of how long it stays with you. The thing about apologies is that you may never get one. Yep, that’s right. they may never think anything they did was wrong. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. I can’t imagine that from 10-14 you were completely aware of the details behind why they acted as they did. You are basing all of your “facts” on vibes, feelings, and things that you may have entirely made up on your own. But maybe you didn’t. the point is, it happened. and for your own good, you need to learn to forgive them. apology or not.

Your mom is being overly pushy. So no, he doesn’t have to walk you down the aisle. But you are also being overly stubborn. And you are sounding more and more dramatic with every response. If no one ever told you you were baggage, or anything like that, than your percieved hurt may just be that. Even if it isn’t, you need to get some major therapy to help you to not hold onto those feelings.

As far as your mother not thinking her marriage to your dad was special…. my mother has been open about the fact that the special part of her relationship with my father was me and my sister. Beyond that, there wasn’t much good. She was young, he wasn’t the greatest partner or dad and that’s that. It doesn’t hurt me to know that the relationship I was created by wasn’t a good one, because guess what? THAT’S NOT MY FAULT. it has nothing to do with me. It has to do with the fact that they were not right for each other. And they didn’t make each other happy. Why on earth would she look fondly on that relationship other than to know she got me an dmy sister out of it? stop taking that personally. You’re mom is allowed to be happy after the end of her first marriage. Many bees who have been married before (myself included) will tell you that their ex is not and was not th etrue love of their life. How that offends you, Idk. You seem to have your father on a pedestal even though you lived with your grandparents. so it seems to me he put his career before being a father, so yes he was able to financially support you, but let me tell you, money only goes so far. so he and your mother both played a part in you being neglected. NO matter how you twist it, these issues need to be dealt with or you will live a very miserable life letting this kind of bitterness rot away inside you.

Trust me on this, I know because I spent a good portion of my life being just as angry, bratty, and resentful as you sound. Maybe my guesses are not all dead on with reasons your mom or dad had for their actions, but one thing I would bet my life on is that, neither are yours because you were a kid. I also would bet my life that if you did address these problems as your own instead of theirs, you would get much further, therapy can help you do that.

In response to your original questions though? let her husband walk her down the aisle as a compromise. Focus on your new husband and doing a better job than your parents did at this whole marriage thing and figure out how to move forward and be happy.

Post # 156
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

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mcal89:  I have been in a couple of weddings where there was a step-father situation. My older half sister’s father passed away when she was two. My mom met my father when she was probably 3, and he has been in her life since. She made a big stink about him not being her dad when she got married, but eventually realized that he IS her dad, and he walked her down the aisle. My SO’s older half sister was essentially raised by her step-dad, but her father (my SO’s dad), was also in her life. She had both dad and SD walk her down the aisle. My SO’s father (her bio dad) was upset. It is five years later, and he still feels like she slighted him by having her SD walk her down the aisle too. 

To me, neither of these situations quite match yours. I honestly think my SO’s half sister was being generous by having her bio-dad walk her down the aisle at all. He wasn’t even an every-other-weekend dad, more like every other holiday as he had a whole new family of his own. I think you should stand firm on only having your bio-dad walk you down the aisle. Don’t even entertain your mother’s request. Perhaps he can be involved in another way, but definitely should not be walking you down the aisle. 

Post # 157
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

OP, a lot of people are being harsh on you.  I don’t think people from broken homes and divorce (such as myself) would be so quick to say “get over it” or “time to grow up” if they’ve walked in your shoes.  That being said, you can’t split up married couples at a wedding.  You can’t go out of your way to make things uncomfortable.  My father is also re-married and I’ve met his new wife only once (they live in a different country), but I realized I can’t really invite my dad and not her.  So I chose to not invite them at all.  It’s pretty all or nothing.

In your case, I suggest not allowing your mother to be in the processional and her and your stepfather can just attend as guests.  As you state yourself, you are not close w/ your mother either and the processional is only for close family and friends.  You can’t really split them up and have one walk in the processional but not the other.  Or frankly, if I were in your position, I think it’s totally justifiable if you didn’t want to invite them to your wedding at all.  If your mother and your stepfather never made an effort with you, there’s no reason they should attend your wedding.

Post # 158
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

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mindycy1: Oh my goodness, no one’s being harsh with her. I’m a child from a “broken home” as well – what is this, the 50’s? – and no one’s telling her to get therapy to “get over it,” they’re telling her to get therapy because it kind of seems like she’s going out of her way to make a public statement against her stepfather (who really doesn’t sound THAT bad) on a day that’s supposed to be joyous and about family. Also, as Soon2bmrs1 pointed out on Page 10, the OP has made a lot of conflicting statements that suggest this isn’t so much about her stepfather as it is about the fact that her parents got divorced in the first place. Granted, I’m sure her mother and stepfather could have done better, but I’m also pretty sure she was something of a difficult 10-14 year old who was jealous of her new baby brother and who moved out rather than adjust to her new family situation like many of us children of divorce eventually do. 

If she doesn’t want to have her mother OR stepfather in the procession, that’s one thing. If she’s doesn’t want to invite them at all, that’s another. But it’s throwing a gauntlet to sort of “shun” her stepfather (who’s the father of her half-brother, btw) by not allowing him to escort his own wife to her seat. It’s childish and vengeful, and that’s concerning behavior from a so-called adult.

Post # 159
Member
9260 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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mindycy1:  “I don’t think people from broken homes and divorce (such as myself) would be so quick to say “get over it” or “time to grow up”” — I guarantee you that a good portion of the people responding are from “broken homes”. Including me. We don’t have to announce ourselves. She has a problem, her reaction is not normal. She should have grown up and worked through this. Not saying she should forget it ever happened, but for her own mental health and growth, she should not be harboring and clinging to these feelings from childhood. My stepdad used to say shit about how my dad should pay for things when I was young. And when I was young, I was hurt, offended, embarasses, and angry on my dad’s behalf. But you know what I found out when I was older? My dad SHOULD have been paying for that shit. My stepdad paid for a whole lot of stuff that I never even knew about or thought about. Like the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the food I ate. So yeah, every now and then, he had a right to bitch about my dad not paying his share. He probably shouldn’t have done it in front of me, but nobody’s perfect. There’s a reason 14-year olds are stereotyped as sullen, angst-ridden souls who think they know everything. How many of us were NOT like that? But most of us grew up and realized, “wow, I didn’t know everything, I didn’t have the whole picture, some of my anger and hurt wasn’t really justifed, some of the times when I thought people were hurting me, they were actually trying to help me. I’m so glad I can see more clearly now. Being a teenager sucks!” Maybe the OP left a bunch of stuff out and this guy deserves her hatred, but all we can go by are her posts and so far, he sounds like an average to slightly below-average stepdad. And if she hates him and her mom so much, why have them in the processional at all? I’ve NEVER been to a wedding where parents were part of the processional. I know some people do it, but they do it because they want to honor their parents and show love and unity and support. This OP is deliberately doing something that’s unnecessary and even uncommon, for the sole purpose of getting back at her stepdad. At her wedding. That is not normal or healthy. It is so so sad that she can not let go. I suffered abuse and neglect, so I know it’s not easy but my god, I can not imagine dragging that burden with me through adulthood. I hope she gets help and finds peace.

Post # 160
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I cannot believe the grief you are getting from bee’s who have NEVER even been in a situation like this, and yet think they can pass judgement. You seem to have a lot of emotional baggage and issues and pain from the remarriage. I think once the wedding and honeymoon is over, you should look into some therapy, perhaps even one where your mom and stepfather (and real father?) can be present. You seem to have a lot that needs to be said and a lot of pain buried inside. 

And as someone who has had issues with a father, it can be hard. It is your wedding. You have no relationship with that man (and he none with you apparently), and your mother should stop trying to force anything. You are a grown woman and I believe you choose your family. Have your real father walk down the aisle with you and not have any grief.

Post # 162
Member
2097 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, Nix the extended processional. Your fiance suggested it, but it’s not necessary and it’s out of the ordinary. You can have ushers lead the parents to their seats a minute or two before the “processional” begins. Let your mother sit down next to her husband, it won’t be a big deal to you then if it’s not part of the “sacred processional”. Nobody is going to remember anythnig about the “processional” even a minute after it happens. People only recognize bridesmaids as such at the reception becuase they stand out in their dresses. Processionals are not a big deal and defintely not worth all this drama. 

Post # 164
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

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divinerose: No one thinks her stepfather should walk her down the aisle. THAT’s been settled. All the bees agree though that it’s ridiculous for her to not allow her stepfather to escort her mother (his wife of 20+ years) down the aisle to her seat. That’s the point of contention at this point in the thread.

Post # 165
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

whoa Whoa WHOA!!!!! Hold the phone!

How can you not allow your stepfather to walk you mom to her seat? It’s not like the man is asking to give you away or present a speech. How childish can you be? You need professional help & it might not hurt to have a FAMILY session.

As far as her mom “creating a new family”, what was the woman supposed to do? Be lonely forever with no male companionship of her own? Um I think not. If she neglected/abused OP because of her new husband and son, then it’d be a different story. She remarried and had a child. OP chose to move in with her granny and spent time with her dad. Maybe she was just hurt and confused that her parents divorced when she was young. We don’t know the entire story. BUT She’s an adult now & needs help. There is no way she should be this bitter towards her relatives.
I adore my stepdad with all my heart. He was in my life way before my mom even became pregnant with my sister. Yes, I was a little rebellious at first, but shortly realized that this man loves me and will always be there for me. He’s my dad & yes, he will be walking me down the aisle. I lost both of my parents within the same year at age 9 and my stepdad is still completely involved in my life. Even if I didn’t come to realize this and was bitter about our “new family”, I wouldn’t dare wish to exclude him from the procession.

It’s never too late to build relationships, especially with your mom. Give your stepdad a chance. I think everyone would benefit from an honest and open apology. Be grateful for the people who want to be a part of your special day and your life outside of “happy events”. Life is too short for this foolishness.

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