(Closed) I don't want to be vindictive.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

View original reply
imlucky :  either invite both or neither. It’s your wedding and you don’t have to explain yourself. But you cannot invite Y without inviting X.

Post # 3
Member
6331 posts
Bee Keeper

I doubt X&Y would attend even if you invited them. It’s frustrating to have that kind of energy in your life though. 

Post # 4
Member
6229 posts
Bee Keeper

I wouldn’t want her there either with that background, so vent away and do the right thing in the end.

Odds are she won’t come, or allow him to attend, anyway. (I can also see why she’d be uncomfortable with you at her wedding, though… many people feel that way about old crushes, whether they dated or not)

Post # 5
Member
1468 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I totally disagree with saying that an invitation to Y’s parents need to include X and Y. Hell no. X and Y are grown a** married adults–a separate family unit even if they live with the parents– and given X’s behavior, they should not be at your wedding. I would invite Y’s parents as a guests of your parents and call it a day without batting an eye. If anyone calls you out, feel free to reference X’s comment that you’re not welcome at her wedding- I don’t know anyone who would tell you she deserves an invite. She made her bed and she can rot in it.

Post # 6
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

She sounds sooo jealous! Don’t worry about the comparisons and have the wedding that will make you happy. Don’t let her influence your choices for your wedding just because she’s jealous that you can afford more than they could. I think you should just invite the whole family and cross your fingers that they won’t come. Or you could do what she did and let her know the invitation isn’t extended to them. 

Post # 7
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Don’t invite x and y!! I’m not only giving you permission, I’m saying you OUGHT not invite them! That girl has NO reason to be at your wedding. 

Post # 8
Member
15 posts
Newbee

I would solve for X and hope that equals Y.

Post # 9
Member
4796 posts
Honey bee

All of the prattling about your privilege and irrelevant to this story academic achievements is besides the point (unless the point was to brag). 

You used to be friends with X and Y. You are not on friendly terms with them and do not wish to invite them to your wedding. They live with Y’s parents, whom you are still friendly with and want at your wedding. What do you do?

There – much shorter and to the point without all of the backstory. The good news for you is that X & Y + the parents are not one social unit. Just because they live in the same house if they are all grown adults they do not all need to be invited together. Consider it like roommates. X and Y are a social unit by themselves. If Y is invited then X must be invited. Y’s parents are a social unit by themselves. If one parent is invited their partner must be invited.  Inviting only one of those two social units is not considered breaking up a family. That would be if there were minor children involved and you’re inviting the parents and a fifteen-year-old but excluding the 8 year old. So problem solved. Invite the parents. Do not invite X & Y. No more angst.

Post # 10
Member
3661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Agree with PP. Invite parents? Invite X and Y? No. They can spend the evening at home. Their spot can go to someone you truly want to celebrate your day with.

Post # 11
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

My guess is that even if you do invite them, they wouldn’t come….  He might want to, but she probably wouldn’t let him.

Post # 12
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
imlucky :  Listen, it sucks, but it is unlikely that you’re going to be able to maintain a friendship with Y since he is married to X.  It just won’t work in the long run.  Seems you know that, but listen, Y’s parents are her parents-in-law.  You aren’t likely going to be able to maintain a long-term friendship with them either.  Friendships end, sometimes for good reasons, sometimes not, but you will likely save yourself some pain and stress if you just kind of put the notion of maintaining a significant relationship with them to bed.

As for X comparing her wedding to yours or your friends doing so – don’t get too caught up in it. From what you wrote, it seems as if you yourself think your way is “better.”  Just plan your wedding and if people try to relay comments from her, just say, “I thought their wedding was lovely and I’m enjoying planning mine. There are so many different ideas out there!” and change the subject. You’d do yourself a favor too if you begin to shift your internal narrative about all of this “privilege” and comparison.  Just be a good, kind person and people will not think of you as “extravagant and hypocritical.”  

Post # 13
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
imlucky :  I would just invite them and not think about it. Not inviting them will cause them to cause drama, and it might be more of a hassle than its worth. Please just do yourself a favor and not stress out over this!

There will always be those people out there who will be jealous of those who have what they want. Dont let it change the way you live your life. Have the wedding you want. Negative people WILL FIND SOMETHING to gossip/complain about. You can’t please an unhappy peson. 

It seems to me that you are having a fairly large wedding. IF X even shows up, I highly doubt she will come up and congratulate you. I bet you dont even see her all night, and you wont remember she is there. You will be so busy and your mind will be so focused on the love for your new husband, you will have an amazing day!!!! 

Post # 14
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
imlucky :  You don’t have to invite them even if they live with his parent’s still. When you address invitations to his family invite his parents “Mrs. & Mr. John Smith” and send his siblings (if you’re inviting them) separate invitations as well. If they try to come just call her and explain to her that they are not invited. Congrats bee and don’t stress!

Post # 15
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

+1 for not inviting. Don’t damper one of the best days of your life with unnecessary emotional drama. Invite those who truly love and care for you.

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