Post # 1
Ok, so this is probably going to sound a bit strange on a wedding/marriage blog but I don’t want to get married. Ever. I found this blog when my sister got engaged and I was asked to be MC at her wedding and I said yes without having any idea what that meant, so I googled around and found this blog. I am now having serious thoughts and talks with my boyfriend and thought this would be a good place to get some non-biased, second opinions from other people.
I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years we have done so much together from travelling the world, buying a house and getting a gorgeous puppy together and he is honestly amazing. He is always patient, kind, funny, sexy, smart and understanding. Not only that, but we get along so well; at the end of a long day at work or uni, he is the only one I want to see and come home to, he feels the same way and we love each other more than anything. But, here is the kicker: I don’t ever see myself getting married or having kids. We are now at the age (28) where our friends are getting married and starting to have kids and I am so happy and excited for them, but at the same time I am always glad it isn’t me getting married or having kids. From day one, my boyfriend has known this about me, I have never hidden the fact that I never want to be someone’s wife or mother. But I feel like he has never really taken that seriously as maybe when I get older I will change my mind, or he has never seriously thought about it himself and when I have mentioned it, he has always said he didn’t want to talk about it. But recently with our friends starting to get married etc, I told him he does need to start thinking about what he wants out of our relationship and life because if he does want marriage/kids, there is the real possibility that I will not change my mind and if he wants these things, he needs to start thinking about it.
Anyway, long story short, we have been talking about it and he thinks that one day, he would like all that stuff and so I explained that there is the real possibility that I may never change my mind. He says he loves me and still wants to be with me forever, but in my mind, I am not sure I can let him do that as I think he still hopes that eventually I will want those things too, but I honestly cannot see that happening.
So, my question is, what would you do in this situation? Partly I feel as though I need to break up with him so he can move on and find someone that will give him these things as I don’t think he would break up with me, but I don’t want him to miss out on marriage, kids. He would be an amazing father and I don’t want him to one day wake up and realise what he has missed out because he chose to stay with me and end up resenting me.
Post # 3
Dear, this is a sticky situation. First off, you seem very very firm on not getting married/having children. And that’s FINE. There is nothing wrong with that, to each his own, I say! I know now with your sister getting married, it seems a bit strange, and the aura around you might seem funky because people, like it or not, always see something wrong with ”Living together but not getting married?” or ”Being together for HOW MANY years and not getting married?” And then when the couple somehow get pushed into getting married, when they never initally planned it themselves, then it’s the whole baby issue. ”You’ve been married for how long and don’t have a baby?” or ”Your clock is ticking!! Have BABIES!”
It puts a lot of pressure on a person. In some cultures and just grey society in general, are kind of forced to believe that if you’re not married & having kids by 30, your life pretty much ends. But this, obviously, isn’t the case. You stand firm by the things you believe in, and if no one else likes it, tough luck! This is your life and you have every right to live it your way. And besides, lots of couples out there are living rich, fufilling lives together without getting married! They have houses, go to parties, have children, and do everything married couples do, without the ring or name switch! And if your boyfriend really loves you like you say he does, he’ll always accept you & love you even if you don’t want ”the norm.” And if the issue comes up again, you know that you have your beliefs and that’s the way it’s always been.
Hope that helped! xoxox
Post # 4
@anonymous287: In my opinion, it sounds like you may need to have a few more serious conversations. Does he think he wants kids, or does he know? Just like he shouldn’t make the decision that you should be a mother, you shouldn’t decide for him if he should be a father – he’s going to have to do that 100% on his own. It sounds like you are being clear, or maybe you just need to say again “this is never going to change” more straightforward. I think packing up and leaving now would be too premature, but it seems like you at least know that these are fair deal breaker issues.
Post # 5
it is perfectly normal not to have/want marriage and kids, to each their own 🙂 my aunt and her partner (my uncle/godfather) have been together for 30+ years and have never got married or had kids, and never wanted them, just happy being the aunt/uncle 🙂 but definitely have another conversation with your boyfriend about it, to make sure you each understand the other’s feelings on the subject and make sure you are on the same page 🙂 good luck!
Post # 6
If he says he prefers being with you over having kids I’d believe him. It sounds as though he’s aware of your feelings and he’s a grown man who knows what he wants.
Post # 7
It’s definitely difficult, but it’s his choice to make. If he ever decides “I want these things now and you can’t give them to me,” then he needs to make the choice to break things off. You’ve told him that you may never change; maybe you should tell him that you’re pretty sure you won’t ever change. But what can you do beyond that? You can’t make his choices for him, and maybe he’ll decide that marriage and kids aren’t for him.
Post # 8
If you really love him and want to be with him forever and the only way to do that is through marriage, I would do it. The kids are another issue, and as long as you are upfront about it and he is accepting of that, he has been warned and there is nothing else to be done.
Post # 9
I agree with texasgirl29 and HappierKate. You’ve been very upfront, and even extra caring in expressing that you don’t want him “giving up” these things for you. First of all, if he does do that, it’s his decision, and sweetie, why wouldn’t you be worth it? Secondly, you can’t jump off the pony now. You are in the middle of a beautiful ride with this man. In plain terms, at least wait until his feelings actually do change! Let him come to that decision. If you keep dwelling on it and he feels like all you think is that he wants marriage and kids and you don’t, the breakup will be inevitable and he will be out there with mixed feelings. He could very well decide that he really doesn’t want that lifestyle, but the point is to give it time, now that you’ve talked. Good luck!
Post # 10
Obviously, if you know for sure that you want different things out of life, then you shouldn’t stay together hoping to change each other’s mind. That’s the obvious answer.
However, to really answer your question, you would need to think very carefully about what aspects of marriage/kids you do or do not want. Obviously, you are not against all aspects of marriage. For instance, you do want a relationship – that’s a part of marriage. Maybe you don’t want a title – that’s also a part of marriage.
You both need to figure out what you want – not in general terms like “marriage” – but with each concrete issue about your future. Then and only then, can you truly decide if your wants and needs are compatible, and whether you can see a future together.
There is no such thing as a universal definition of marriage, relationship, or family.
Post # 11
first off good for you for being honest and knowing yourself!! There are plenty of people out there who are not married but are very commited to eachother and are happy that way and plan to be that way forever, but both people have to be on the same page for this to work. If one wants it and the other doesnt somebody will end up resenting the other.
I had a boyfriend that I thought would change his mind about marriage and kids, he did not want them, and after 2 years of dating he broke up with me because he knew that those were important things to me and that neither of us were going to change our minds. It was a very hard break up because our relationship was great, no issues except for the marriage and kids thing…. but it was the best thing he ever did for me, he knew he had to let me go and knew I would find a great man to marry! He was right!!! I found my FI and I thank my ex every day for letting me go 🙂
Post # 12
Thank you so so much ladies for your input! You are all very sweet and very wise. I was hoping to get some good advice/opinions and you certainly delivered.
It is something that has been weighing on my mind for some time and we have only recently started talking seriously about it in the last month or so. We agreed to both think about things for the next 6 months without worrying about it and just enjoy us being together before we have another long talk (they can be so emotionally draining!).
Post # 13
@Future Mrs K: thank you so much for sharing your story, I was hoping to hear if other people had been in a similar situation and how it turned out. Although I would be devastated to ever break up with my boyfriend, and he is a grown man and can make his own decisions, I sometimes think it would be better for him in the long run as I don’t want to be the reason for any of his regrets.
Post # 14
I really don’t think that the marriage part is the big issue, unless that’s something he’s really set on. Whether he wants kids or not is something that is much bigger.
I say this just because of my personal views on marriage. Before Fiance, I already told my parents that I didn’t want to get married or have kids. Fiance also knows that I don’t believe in institutionalized marriage. We don’t need to get married in order for our relationship to be valid in any way. We are already married in our hearts. We know we’ll be together in the long haul. But, we decided to get married legally because we want kids. And should something happen to us, we want to have spousal rights, and a say over what happens to our kids. We don’t want big legal drama ensuing over custody of the kids, or etc …
If you guys are not going to have kids, then I don’t think getting married is a big deal. You don’t need that certificate to say, congratulations! Your love is more real and valid than other people’s because you now belong to the state in a binding contract that you can actually get out of called divorce.
If at anytime you do want to get married or have a celebration about your love, you can always do it then. Or get married to save on taxes …
Post # 15
Just be always aware that he could change his mind. Others will tell you, ‘he’s an adult, he knows what he wants’ etc, but you never know what the future may hold. I speak from experience, as the person who DID change their mind…
When I met my ex H I was adamant that I didn’t want children. Neither did he. I was pretty hardcore childfree for a few years. Even after we got married after 5 years of being together, we still didn’t want children…but we (important, the ‘we’) had always said that if I got pregnant after we married that things might change.
After 4 years of marriage, both our primary and emergency contraception failed. I was 35, and thought ‘if it is going to happen, it’s going to be now’ I wasn’t 100 percent certain I wanted the pregnancy terminated…but my ex H was. We both had very good jobs, a good place to live…but he hadn’t changed his mind. He still didn’t want children. He didn’t force me to have a termination, but I wasn’t going to have a child with a man who had made it so clear he didn’t want it.
Our marriage never really recovered after that. I resented the fact that there was no real discussion, and even though I asked, he wouldn’t have a vasectomy to make sure I didn’t get pregnant again (I felt that as he was the one who was so certain he didn’t ever want children, he should be the one to make sure it didn’t happen). Our sex life completely disappeared and I ended up having an affair and we eventually split.
Looking back, I now wish that I hadn’t got involved with someone who was so ‘black and white’ about the issue. I try not to see the decade I was with my ex H as a waste, but sometimes it is hard not to.
Post # 16
I totally think you can have any life that you want including not being a wife or having kids. But I just have to ask, please don’t take this the wrong way, you are a wife in every way except the piece of paper. Why are you so opposed to it? I know for many woman there is a preconceived idea of what wife means and they don’t want to be *that* wife. There is a great blog ‘A Practical Wedding’ that tackles this idea of redefining wife to fit who we are, not what we think a wife should be.
I only mention this as something to think about. If at the end of the exploration you realize that wife, no matter how that looks, is just not for you, then I say you’ve done everything you can to explain this to SO and he is a big boy and can make up his mind to stay or go.