I don't want to go to my SIL shower

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
254 posts
Helper bee

It’s more than likely that your SIL will find out that you were able to go to a friend’s bachelorette but not her shower- this could stir up ill feelings. If I were you I would go to both. 3 hours one way isn’t that bad of a drive (IMO) and even though you don’t particularly have a great relationship, it seems as though she is trying to extend an olive branch. You can be neutral and go, you don’t have to become besties, but not going might show that you just don’t care about her which in turn might produce ill feelings. 

Post # 17
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

View original reply
anonb4321 :  you can’t travel that far for a bachelorette and not for her shower. That’s pretty ridiculous, considering she is going to be family. Suck it up and go. That will cause long term problems that are not worth it.

Post # 18
1838 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I thought showers were usually for local guests. If someone was sore that I didn’t drive 6 hours round trip to attend their optional, 2 hour, gift receiving party, I would not care to maintain a relationship with them. To me it makes sense that you would prioritize the bachelorette party since you’re actually in the wedding party. I think it’s fine to send SIL a card and gift, not that it’s even required. However, I, personally would attend both just to avoid drama. If SIL is young and immature, she might stir a headache that’s bigger than the 6 hour drive you have to make. 

Post # 19
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

View original reply
anonb4321 :  If you don’t want to go you don’t want to go. But when you tell her why just make sure you tell her the truth. You don’t want her to find out that you were home that weekend and just relaxing (nothing wrong with that) but you told her something else is the reason why you didn’t go. Seeing is how she is going to be family it may slip out, you never know. Honesty is the best policy. 

I am not keen on bridal shower’s or baby shower’s but I would go if it was for my family as much as I would kick and stomp my feet. I would put on a happy face when I got there of course lol. But that is just me. 

Post # 20
2356 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I totally get why you don’t want to go, and if your SIL seemed to not really care, I’d recommend just applying the money you would have spent on gas on an extra nice present and called it good.


But since she’s made it clear she really wants you to come, and she’s going to be close family, I think your best bet is just to suck it up and go.

Post # 21
236 posts
Helper bee

Go.  Make the effort for not only your SIL, but the whole family you are marrying into. Have FH drive down with you- take turns driving, get some good snacks, and have a fun little mini road trip.  I am sure he can visit with the males in his family while you are at the shower.  Understand this will be the first of many 6 hour round trips you will have to make over your lifetime for his family – baby showers, birthday parties, holidays etc.

Also-  just because you don’t want a friendship with your SIL now bc she is “too young”, know that as you both age that gap will close up.  Especially if you continue to hit milestones at the same time- marriage, children, etc.  There may be a time, and sooner than you realize, you will value her friendship.  Feel honored she wants you there, and support her like the family she is.

Post # 22
4576 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
mrs2b70 :  I agree 100%. Why not make a weekend out of it with your fiance?

Post # 23
432 posts
Helper bee

 I have a large extended family, and one thing I have learned is:  you always show up for family.  I can’t tell you how grudgingly I’ve gone to showers and birthday parties, but I find that I enjoy myself once I am there, and it matters a lot to family that family shows up. 

I love the idea of going with your fiance and then doing something with him after the shower!  In my family, a subset of people usually gravitate to someone’s house after the shower itself and hang out having a good time and catching up with people we haven’t seen in a while.

This may be a pain in the ass to get to, but it will be worth it in the long run.

Post # 24
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

If you don’t go, I agree with PP that you should take your Future Sister-In-Law to lunch and give her your gift.  I would let her know that she is special to you and that you are happy that you will be family.  That way, she isn’t jilted and you don’t have to make 2 trips.

Post # 25
7829 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

It would likely be viewed by the whole family as a slap in the face that you would travel the distance for a friend, but not for future family. And I think that’s fair because either the trip is too far and you don’t want to travel that far, or it is not, but it being okay one weekend and not the next (simply because you don’t want to) won’t go over well at all.

Post # 26
5170 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Honestly it’s just rude to bail on something at the last minute. Showers are usually organised weeks in advance and you’re going to cancel only a few days out? 

If you didn’t want to make the trip you should have RSVP’d no initially but I think to say you are going and then cancel because you can’t be bothered if pretty weak. 

Post # 27
6152 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh ok I was wrong it’s different weekends. But ugh so much driving. I would try to go but damn. Did you already rsvp? Or no? 

Are both events six hour RT drives? Or is one less? Bc I honestly would rarely drive six hours in one day for many things. 

Post # 28
400 posts
Helper bee

Depending on where you live, 3 hours one way could be considered a lot of driving or manageable. Is there any way to make the SIL’s shower an overnight? Spend the night nearby either before or after? Maybe ask this as an opportunity to get closer? 

6 hours in one day stinks. 3 spread out over two is doable. 

Post # 29
3649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

There’s nothing to indicate that not going would cause any strain to your relationship based on what you’ve said so far (obviously lots could be going on) so if you don’t want to go, don’t go. Everyone says it’s an invitation and not a summons and that’s true. Never feel obligated to accept an invitation, because if there is an air of obligation hanging around it, then it really is a summons. 

Let her know you’re sorry but you’ll be unable to make it, and say you’d like to spend an afternoon or evening with her at another time. I don’t think I’d drive 6 hours round trip for a bridal that would last a third of the total commute time.

Post # 30
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Your time is YOURS. You don’t owe anyone your presence and you aren’t obligated to attend anyone’s event for ANY reason. An invitation is not a command to attend- it’s a statement “On this date and time, I will be doing this and would love it if you could be there.” You cannot be there; because you do not want to drive 6 hours round trip to watch someone open gifts for 2 hours. And that is perfectly valid.

Do not attend; Do not feel guilty. Send a gift and maybe plan to get together at another time.

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