(Closed) I don't want to have sex with DH… Don't know what to do.

posted 6 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I had a friend who was having this problem. Her husband wasn’t repulsive or anything, she just didn’t feel into him any more. She had sex with him every day for seven days, and she said it was amazing what it diid for them.

Post # 4
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper

you don’t have to tell him what specifically you’re seeing the counsellor for. Just say you want to be an even better you in 2013! it’s true and not hurtful.

Souns like an emotional issue, btw, not a physical one.

Post # 5
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

i think there was a tv show that kinda dealt with this? seven days of sex. i only saw one episode because it was more boring than it sounded, but it focused on bringing back the intimacy and desire in relationships… basically by having sex every night for a week. kind of a… ‘fake it until you make it’ type thing.

Post # 7
Member
9114 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Maybe you need to sit down and figure out what turns you on, and then compare it to what your SO has to offer?

Is it a physical thing? (Tall, blue eyes, black hair, someone with muscles or a particular body type?)

Do you watch porn at all? Maybe that would help. (to either stoke the fire or to help you pinpoint what exactly you like.)

Is it something sensory? Maybe you don’t like the texture of his skin, the scruff of his beard (if any), the way his nails rake you, something like that? A smell? The size or feel of his penis?

What about emotionally? Do you fantasize about something in particular? How does that compare (or apply) to your SO? Is there a need he isn’t meeting emotionally?

As you’ve stated, you have no problem getting turned on, the problem lies with the actual act of someone. When you guys do/did have sex, did he leave you unsatisfied? Is it one of those “I do it better myself” sort of things?

Do you find your SO sexually attractive? Or, more basic, do you feel he is attractive, period? Did you have sex with him before marriage? Do you find him emotionally attractive? Is there anyone in your life that you do find sexually/emotionally attractive? Why or why not (to all of these questions.) You really need to do some soul searching to find where the issue lies.

Is there any way you could schedule a private seeing with someone? I understand you don’t want your husband to know, so you can not tell him and/or inform whomever you speak to that you want it to be just between the two of you? I think they’d understand.

Edit: Are you secure in your own sexuality? You’d be surprised how common it is for people to realize they’ve been batting for the wrong team and just came to realize it. There’s nothing wrong with this, and I think it’s healthy to explore (maybe not physically if you’re not quite comfortable with that) that option. Maybe you’re attracted to something or someone else, gender-wise or physically? Maybe a different type of personality?

Post # 8
Member
569 posts
Busy bee

@BeeAtArmsLength:  I think the problem may be the fact that you do it when you don’t want to. maybe it’s become a “duty” in your mind instead of what it’s supposed to be?

Post # 9
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Wrong thread sorry!

Post # 10
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@BeeAtArmsLength:  Ok, I have had this problem too and I’ve been married only a few weeks longer than you.

What I found for me, is that my DH’s nice guy personality just doesn’t always get me hot. I felt the same, we’d get into the act and my desire would be slipping away and I’d feel forced to get it back. It created some very awkward nights with us. I never want to make him feel undesired but I want to feel desired and then I get frustrated and so does he.

But I realized for me I needed him to be more assertive sexually, and we’ve talked about it. He tends to be a passive guy and waits for me to give signals. It’s just not in his character to ‘force himself’ on me, but that’s what I want. I want him to throw me up against the wall and take me. He tries sometimes because he knows I want that to be more assertive within his comfort range and it’s amazing when he does. But I still struggle with this because then he goes passive nice guy again.

But what I can say is that for me, the more I fall in love with his amazing character, the more sexually atrracted I am to him. It’s been a change for me, to fall for the nice guy, so it does take a bit of work and patience.

Just even in the last few days, I’ve thought, boy he’s handsome! He looks good! …and it’s come naturally. Before there were times I didn’t think that.

Don’t beat youself up if you are not in the mood, tell yourself it’s just right now and let it be and don’t force it. I disagree with the fake it till you make it – I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work. What I did is don’t have sex if you don’t feel it. Period. It will only create awkwardness. – what you can do in those moments though is try something else that will make you feel close – watch a movie in bed, play a game, share a no sex shower…sometimes shifting the focus like that naturally invokes a sexual attraction and then next thing you know you’re in the mood! And if you just go to sleep, that’s ok too. I’ve done that with myself, and it reassures me that things are ok.

If you love your Darling Husband in life don’t give up on the sex. It can and will come. (no pun intended…) My Darling Husband has given me some of the best sex of my life in moments when I was in the mood, just like there are other times I feel unattracted to him and turned off. So, it ebbs and flows and just go with it.

Hope that helps!

 

 

Post # 12
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

 

My first and foremost piece of advice – despite not being married – is you don’t “owe” him anything. If you aren’t feeling into him, do not cave and give him sex when he requests it. Keep a healthy emotional boundary for yourself.

Second, it sounds like Darling Husband doesn’t understand or see the emotional rift between you that is damaging the bedroom/sex relationship. Apparently it might be something you should call your counselor for a private session about, and when comfortable, bring the topic to a couples session. 

Post # 13
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@EffieTrinket:  Yes, this definitely works! It seems too simple to be true and even torturous when you just.do.NOT want to be touched to think of “going through the motions”, but man it works. 

Zinc too! Wow it gets me horned right up. 

ETA nevermind, read on to see more details that go beyond going through the motions to get you in the mood again. 

Post # 14
Member
225 posts
Helper bee

@Sunshine09:  I definitely agree with this.

I’m not even married, but I’ve had sex trouble with my SO since the first few months. It was really bad, but I stuck it out because I knew he was worth it. Since Christmas break it has been a LOT better.

I think my libido initially went down because I stopped working out when I got into a relationship (its a lot more time consuming to have a boyfriend!) but then he was super self conscious about finishing too fast and although I didn’t mind, it eventually made sex unenjoyable and unbearable because he would always be frustrated.

For awhile I just went with it… it was anywhere from just boring to almost torturous. He worked on himself and now he always lasts longer than me… but I was still put off sex. We never have it unless I’m in the mood, that was a BIG help.

A few months ago I realized I had to start thinking positively though, make myself get into it. It helped some.

When christmas break rolled around my stress levels went majorly down, and I found I enjoyed sex more when I didn’t have a due date in the back of my mind.

Just this past week I had possibly the best sex of my life when he started with a back massage and turned it into intimate sex.  

I think the key is for both parties to actively be trying to improve together. 

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