(Closed) I don’t want to invite a friend of the groom

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Okay, well have a serious heart to heart with FH and see why his friend is doing this… I would also recommend asking crazy dude wtf is his problem? Maybe you standing up to him and seeing exactly what is the deal will help your FH come to terms that this friendship might not stand growth- i.e. him growing up and getting married and not being available 24/7 for crazy dude. Also, if you do decide to support FH and his love for crazy friend (men have love for each other not being sarcastic here) have a few of your (strong and mean) friends aware so that if crazy dude starts anything, they will promptly escort him away and the reception manager will make sure to call the police if he refuses to leave the premises.

Post # 4
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I had this same problem (sort of). FH has a friend he’s known since grade school. Said friend decided the first time he met me that he didn’t like me, and proceeded to treat me like crap. Two years later when FH told him we were getting married, the jacka$$ said, "Well, you can always get it annuled!".

If it is really that big of a deal to you that he not be there, you really need to sit FH down and explain to him why. I can’t imagine that he would disagree if he saw that you were upset over the prosepect of his friend being there.

Post # 5
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

I had a similar situation.  My FH’s "best friend" (potential best man) never gave me a chance.  Before I even met him he warned my FH that he should be careful and that he was going to get hurt.  FH and I have an amazing relationship and these warnings were completely unfounded.  I always sensed that the best friend didn’t like me because he was never friendly toward me.  He never engaged me in conversation or tried to get to know me, but he always brought up innappropriate topics like FH’s ex’s.  After our engagement, I was concerned that FH would choose him as the best man.  This guy made me feel so uncomfortable that I didn’t really want him at my wedding at all — we are planning a very small wedding with only immediate family and closest friends.  I think it’s very important to surround yourself with people who love and support you in your marriage.  I suggested other friends who have supported both of us from the beginning as potential groomsmen.

 The engagement must have sparked additional jealousy from the friend because he wrote a horrible email attacking me personally and my relationship with FH.  This came out of the blue and was unfathomable and completely innappropriate (including language).  I didn’t understand how someone who claimed to care so much about FH could attack the person he was about to marry.  For me, the problem got so big that it solved itself.  FH agreed that his friend’s actions were over the line and he will not be invited to our wedding. 

Post # 6
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

i think you should definitely have a heart to heart with your FH about this.  No one wants such a bitter guest at their wedding. 
You have every right to be upset about this and I definitely think your FH should seriously talk to the crazy dude to respect you a lot more.  Obviously, the crazy dude isn’t really a friend because real friends would not disrespect their good friend’s significant other just because of their personal opinion about that person.

Post # 7
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

i had a tough time deciding whether to invite fiance’s so-call "bestfriend" to be at the wedding too.  I have NOTHING against her being his friend, but she hasn’t gotten over the fact that I’ve since become his focus of attention.  Since we met, she has been incredibly mean to me to a point where she started rumors about me and "declared war with me." She’s a 40+ year old woman who has nothing to do than feel sorry for herself.  It was really awkward these last three years, my fiance has been recieving emails after emails of how "they’re no longer friends" only to find more emails with the same subject two weeks later…for the last three years. 

She’s implicitly written x-rated emails about her and "how she would like to be pleasured!"  When we asked her to be less informative, she was very upset and cried about how he was her family and that she was losing a family member.  Would you described how/what you want  done to you in bed to your family member? ewww..cringes..

I honestly didn’t want to have her at the wedding, but I know through all the above, fiance loves all his friends and would want to include her, so I’m biting the bullet and inviting her, but If she pulls anything at the wedding though, I won’t hesitate to drag her by the hair away from my wedding celebration and fiance will NEVER see or hear from her again.  There are more crazy stories concerning fiance’s weird friends..=)

I suggest inviting his friend and giving him a chance.  Before the big day, invite him over for dinner with the two of you so that he can get to know you better.  If he sees how happy you make his friend, he’d soften up.. If not, then he’s just a jerk and hopefully your fiance will see that and dump his ass. =)  Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Nicole63unc- My first question would be why you think the friend doesn’t like you (other than the recent texts).  My guess is the friend is worried he won’t see your Fiance anymore after the wedding and he is acting out because of that. Talk to your fiance, but not inviting the friend would likely make the situation worse.  The translation to him would be that he really has lost his friend due to your marriage.  Try killing him with kindness.  Even if it doesn’t work out and ultimately your fiance makes the decision to move on from the friendship, you’re the one that acted maturely, above it all, and supportive of your fiance.

lanny9-  The girlfriends/fiances/wives usually don’t like me either.  So, here’s a little "other side" perspective.  Granted, she seems a bit needy (eg., we’re no longer friends e-mails, rumors– is she 5?), but I assume those e-mails were written to him and not you?  You have these things in your head that maybe she doesn’t know you know?  My two cents is that you need to step away from it because it clearly bothers you on some level that they’re friends. He obviously knows she’s got issues and I’m sure he knows how to handle her to keep her in check.  If she really is a jerk, she probably enjoys seeing you annoyed.  Don’t make it your problem; guys tend to not let that stuff bother them the way women do!  Just smile, enjoy your wedding, and your relationship with your DH!

Good luck to you both! 🙂 

Post # 9
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

MJ, thanks for the input, but i’m being really considerate in this regards because i’ve been on the other side as well.  But honestly, there is a fine line and being someone’s friend means you know and respect that line.  I know well that she’s just crying out for attention.  She doesn’t know that fiance tells me everything!  I don’t let it show that I know and really it doesn’t bother me as long as it is harmless.  She’s in her late 40s, but you obviously can’t tell by how she’s acting. 

Post # 10
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Of course, you can’t choose your FIs friends for him.  But at some point, you really have to wonder why he would want to continue to be friends with someone who is not respectful of his relationship, and of you.  Would you continue to hang out with a girlfriend who behaved this way towards him?  Maybe this is the discussion you need to have.

My Fiance has a good friend of many years who is recently divorced.  He is a middle-aged party boy – the kind of guy who is divorced for a good reason.  And apparently he thought that he was going to have a buddy (in my FI) to do some serious partying with.  He also spent some time and effort trying to convince my Fiance that he really shouldn’t be getting married (also trying to set him up with other women, including the kind that you pay for, if you know what I mean).  Finally my FI told his friend that if he couldn’t respect his decision and our relationship, they wouldn’t be seeing much of each other.

The thing your Fiance needs to realize is that, while you of course don’t want to have to make him choose between you and his friend, his friend is trying to make him do just that.  He needs to tell him where to get off.  Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do, as he needs to do it himself.  But maybe you can help him see that someone who was actually a friend wouldn’t act that way.

As for the case of the woman friend – I suppose you could ask your Fiance how he would feel if a guy friend of yours sent explicit emails like that?  Good grief!  That is totally inappropriate.  If he doesn’t see that, I just don’t understand.  Although again, he really has to stand up and do something about it himself – much more effective than anything you can do.

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