I don't want to marry my fiance, how do I get out of this? (complicated)

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
  • poll: what should I do about my wedding day jitters?
    cancel wedding, waste $30k of parents' money, and piss everyone off : (214 votes)
    99 %
    go through with wedding despite cold feet and try to make it work - divorce is always an option : (3 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    268 posts
    Helper bee

    Leave.  You know that you should never have let it get this far and said yes, so consider this a huge life lesson.  Money can always be replenished and paid back. You can’t get time back.

    Post # 3
    Member
    7761 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    What bluecandy said . Start saving to pay parents back asap . Do not stand  at the altar, making vows ,intending   to divorce.

    I’m sorry,  this must be awful . 

    Post # 4
    Member
    2542 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2018

    Coming from someone who cancelled a wedding 5 months before, please don’t let the embarrassment stop you. People will be a lot more supportive than you think. And I bet your parents will say it’s better to lose money now that for you to be in a miserable marriage.

    Post # 5
    Member
    73 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2020

    Leave leave leave. All you are doing is allowing your family, whom I’m sure honestly love you and want you to be happy, to pay even MORE money just so you can be miserable. Steve is not the guy for you. You knew that a long time ago. It’s past time to do something about it. Stop this dead in its tracks and when Steve questions it you tell him EXACTLY why. “Your YEARS of continued betrayal, lies, and rejection have left me with little to no respect or desire for you. Any good times we’ve had dont make up for the years of my life I’ve wasted on someone who could treat me this way.” Your parents love him? Then tell the truth. “Parents I’m so sorry but I can’t go through with this. His years of continued cheating have broken me and I will never be happy with someone who has done this to me. This is my final decision and I dont want to discuss it further beyond payment arrangements if I need to pay you for any deposits you can’t get back.” Distant relatives or people who don’t need to know your business “it just didn’t work out/we realized this wasn’t the right step for us.” 

    Your family doesn’t want you to be miserable or to be with a man who doesn’t love or respect you. And he does not love or respect you. He likes the stability and faithfulness you give him. So when his next fling is over he can come back home and you’ll always be waiting. Ew. Dont give him that. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    133 posts
    Blushing bee

    I’m so sorry, Bee. This is a tough situation. Hugs. 

    But please don’t do what my friend did. She had doubts before her wedding but went through with it anyway. A couple of years later she divorced. Then, 5 years after her first wedding, she got married again with another huge wedding. Of course I was happy for her, but I’d much rather have had her call off the first wedding than have to go through all the effort and expense of attending a second wedding for her only half a decade after the first. It will be sad and uncomfortable in the short term for you, but believe me, your friends and family will appreciate it in the long run. Plus, it is much easier to call off a wedding than get divorced. Don’t get divorced, it’s miserable. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    783 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 1983

    Steve is a creep. You can’t marry him; you actively dislike him–and with good reasons.

    Post # 8
    Member
    120 posts
    Blushing bee

    It almost sounds ike you were bullied into saying yes. You know it’s wrong so leave now. Divorce will be way more expensive! Plus it’s really creepy when your ex is hanging out with your family without you. He clearly manipulated them. I would tell your family about the whole cheating Sarah thing and cancel the wedding asap. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    3187 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

    It’s cheaper to call the wedding off now than to pay for a wedding and a divorce. This relationship should have ended years ago. You’re not doing anyone any favors but signing yourself up for several months of misery (because if you’re honest with yourself, you know your marriage won’t last much longer than that) 

    People will understand and those that don’t understand right away will get over it. You have to take care of yourself and really consider what going through with a marriage you don’t want will do to your happiness. Can you look him in the eyes and say those vows knowing that the last thing on earth you want to be doing is marrying him? 

    Post # 10
    Member
    524 posts
    Busy bee

    I’m so sorry Bee. I think the first thing you need to do is come clean to your family about Steve and his infidelity. I think if they knew what had been going on for years, they would understand when you say you don’t have any trust in him and you don’t know if you love him anymore, but you felt pressured into saying yes because everyone was so excited and happy. If your family loves you, they will understand. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    8973 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    confused38 :  Cancel the wedding as neither of you are clerly healthy enough for a relationship let alone marriage.

    Post # 12
    Member
    169 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    Cancel now! Don’t waste years trying to get out of a marriage you didn’t want in the first place! If you think stopping this now is hard, it only gets harder! Deposits can be mostly refunded, travel arrangements can be canceled or family can come for a nice low key visit. 

    You’ll be surprised, people want this for you because they think it’s what you want so they are supportive and happy for you. The people that love and support you will love and support you in any decision.

    You don’t have to make people understand and agree with you. You don’t have to explain. This isn’t what you want. And that is enough! 

    Post # 13
    Member
    388 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I didn’t need all the background. Anyone who feels strongly that she does not want to go through with a marriage should cancel. You have to find the strength to stand up to everyone. Don’t let family tell you who is right for you; that is your decision.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1014 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

     

    I’m so sorry you have found yourself in such a predicament!! I’m sure if you just come clean about Steve’s past to your parents and how it now leaves you questioning your future with him, I’m sure they may want to cancel everything FOR you! If I found this out about my daughter’s fiance you better believe he has some questions to answer “to me!!” I’d be mad at my daughter for not mentioning anything before but better to be briefly mad than find her forever sad with such an indecent guy!

    Your relatives will all understand, gifts can be returned, flight credits given. Sure it’s inconvenient but hey, this is your life we’re talking about. They’ll be glad you dodged the Steve bullet

    Funny and or uncomfortable scenarios prior to letting everyone know consider….

    1) pretend nightmares while Steve is sleeping and yell out, “how dare you cheat on me again you scumbag!!!” Proceed to swat at him a few times so he’ll wake up, cry if you feel the need and then quietly go back to sleep

    He’ll then know you’re stressed about “something.”

    2. Out at dinner with family, ask him to pass the ketchup and say loud and clear, “you know, I am SO tired of you cheating on me.” He’ll be clueless but your family no longer will be.

    Or 

     

    3. Disappear for a week. Go hide out at a friend’s house and when people come looking for you…tell them you need a break from all this wedding crap because you’re sure you no longer love or respect Steve because he is a boring, cheating scumbag and you’re tired of being his doormat.

    Post # 15
    Member
    406 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I had a broken engagement and don’t regret it. We called it off with 3 months to go. It was hard at the time, but everyone was incredibly sweet and supportive. We did lose our deposits (but I actually wore the same dress to marry my now husband 12 years later).

    I was 25 at the time  I did loads of cool stuff for the next ten years and then met my now husband. At 25 I felt like my life was over. It really wasn’t.

    I told close friends and family in person, then emailed everyone else together simply saying that we had cancelled owing to issues that we discovered we sadly couldn’t resolve. 

    When we broke up, it also turned out that quite a few people were glad. They didn’t like the way he’d been treating me. 

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