I don't want to marry my fiance, how do I get out of this? (complicated)

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
  • poll: what should I do about my wedding day jitters?
    cancel wedding, waste $30k of parents' money, and piss everyone off : (215 votes)
    99 %
    go through with wedding despite cold feet and try to make it work - divorce is always an option : (3 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    1838 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Ok, it is ALWAYS ok to break off an engagement if you realize it isn’t the marriage for you. ALWAYS. 

    Here is the deal. You call your parents or see them in person ASAP. You tell them that you haven’t been honest about what has been going on between you and Steve but now you need to tell them. Then you tell them that he has been cheating on you for YEARS. And that you are not signing up for a life married to a man like that. Tell them you need their unconditional support as you are ending this engagement and the relationship permanently. That it’s better to end it now than get divorced later. 

    They try to convince you to stay? Here are talking points. 

    – Why would you be ok with your daughter marrying a man who cheats on her? 

    – I am not interested in hearing I should work it out. I am asking for your loving support as I end this. Can you do that for me? 

    – my decision is final, all I want from you is love and support. 

    You are still so young and you have plenty of time to marry someone else. I’m 34 and while I always wanted to be married earlier in life, sometimes you just don’t meet your person when you’d like to. This is your life. Tell your family and friends about Steve’s cheating and literally ask them for their support, if your honest and open they will want to support you and help you through this. There are going to be moments that you feel embarassed, but you can and will get through those. 

    I know some bees in previous posts said we suggest therapy too easily to posters, but F that. If you need help it’s healthy to get some. I suggest therapy for you because I know first hand how being cheated on can erode your sense of self worth. If you feel like you could use some help working through how his cheating has affected you than it’s totally ok for you to see if therapy would be helpful to you. You might also appreciate the extra support and someone to talk to if you feel that would help. 

    If you want to end it, do it ASAP. The longer you wait the deeper in you get and the more money spent. You can do this bee, you’ll look back a year from now and this whole situation will have started to fade, and you’ll be free. Cut the chord and then just take it one step at a time. Hugs bee. 

     

    confused38 :  

    Post # 32
    Member
    6867 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Cancel the wedding, give the ring back, and look towards the future. I’ll be totally honest, you’re not likely to get any money back. That’s the whole point of a retainer. As a wedding vendor myself I can tell you that while we absolutely feel bad for our couples that have to cancel, we’re running a business and that’s how we support our families. We’re turning away other couples for that date and that’s why the non-refundable retainer exists and most of us are strict about that policy no matter how bad we feel for the couple. That being said, the loss of money is far better than a lifetime of unhappiness or a costly and drama-filled divorce down the road. You might find some vendors willing to give you something back IF they can rebook the date but of course that is totally subject to the time of year and how close to the date you’re cancelling. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    2548 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2018

    I hope you can get something back, but like PP said, you usually don’t. Check your contract, sometimes if you or the vendor finds a replacement for your day, they give the other couple a discount & you get a percentage of your money back.

    Don’t decide yet what to do with your items for the future. I kept my dress, but changed everything else. I loved my dress, and it was my exact taste. Plus, my ex never even saw a photo of it. When my now hubby & I were talking about our wedding, I asked him how he would feel if I wore the old dress. He didn’t care at all. So I’d say that’s a personal decision for you & your future husband.

    Post # 34
    Member
    6030 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I can’t imagine who voted to go through with it–it’s obvious they’ve never been through a divorce. Even the most amicable divorce is a hellish experience and they are rarely amicable.

    I’m happy to hear you are working through cancellations. I don’t see anything wrong with possibly still loving a venue and dress you chose for yourself for something in the future. 

    Therapy. It’s easy to just throw out therapy but there’s a reason–it can be very helpful and would be very helpful to you right now. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    2912 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2006

    confused38 :  Funny thing is, I broke off my engagement because I saw someone I used to know and realized if I could feel the way I did about someone else with little regard to the one I was engaged to, I shouldn’t be marrying them. I was young and dumb and so happy I made the decision I did. I didn’t end up with the guy (the equivalent of your Danny) but if I hadn’t reconnected with him when I did I would’ve probably made a horrible mistake. 

    Seriously, stay single for a while and take some time for yourself. 

    Post # 42
    Member
    71 posts
    Worker bee

    You made a mistake many people make. THey think they should stay with their first love. You tried to make it work. It didn’t. You have nothing to be ashamed of that you don’t want to marry him. This whole post shows that you both should have been dating other people all along and got too deeply involved too soon. Lesson learned. You may lose some money. All you have to tell people is that you had some doubts (you don’t have to go into detail or explain). You can’t live a lie. When  you eventually are with the right person, this will all make sense and you will know why you had to cancel. You have to be a woman now and make a decision!

    Post # 43
    Member
    752 posts
    Busy bee

    confused38 :  When I called off the engagement we called everyone that was ‘our guest’ and had a little vague script written out. All my closest friends and family knew the real reasons though.

    Post # 44
    Member
    572 posts
    Busy bee

    confused38 :  I would see if you can postpone for now, I think. Tough situation. Are you still talking to this other man? That could also be playing a part in it. I think you need more time to get your thoughts straight. I’m sure your shower is coming up very soon so don’t forget about that too. 

    Sorry bee. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    6867 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    confused38 :  Depending on how long it is until the wedding, if you have the time you can send out a written cancellation. A simple “The wedding of xxx & xxx will not take place.” Otherwise you should each take care of calling “your” guests. In circumstances I know personally the couple has opted to let family take care of making the calls (typically parents/aunts) so they weren’t the ones who had to deal with the awkward conversation on the phone. 

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