- Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI
Oh bee, I might need your email after this so we can chat more. I’ve been in a VERY similar situation. I posted this same comment on another bee’s thread and it did help her. I hope this is helpful for you too.
Bottom line: Leave as soon as you can. Get out now. I waited too long and regretted it.
THE SHORT STORY: I can definitely relate to this. I called off my engagement a couple months before the wedding (literally everything was done and ready). Unfortunately, I ended up putting my blinders on again and went through with the wedding and THEN got divorced within a year. It was not great. I’m engaged again now, and I’m so much happier.
LONG POST AHEAD.
So, here it goes…
We were together since I was 15 and he was 14. At the time of the wedding we were 23 and 22. We had grown apart like crazy. I mean, we were just kids when we got together, but we didn’t know anything else besides each other. We started fighting a lot. I started resenting him because we didn’t have like anything in common. He was my best friend, but I also just started despising him. He was the opposite of me in so many ways. He never did anything around the apartment. He had no drive or ambition to do anything with his life. He dropped out of two colleges. I graduated with a BFA. I got a job in my career. He started working at a sporting goods store and was content to do that forever (not that that’s bad, but he wasted so much money at colleges first.)
I wanted nothing intimate with him. Too Much Information but I’m very active in my sex life now, and when I was single afterwards that’s all I wanted, but I NEVER wanted to be intimate with my ex. He honestly terrified me and I just felt gross thinking about doing things with him so I avoided it the best I could.
We both were so ingrained in each others lives and families. We’d been together like 8-9 years. We had all the same friends. But I had to leave. I was miserable. So I called off the engagement. He was devastated. He cried and I cried and I started telling some of my coworkers (I was close to them).
Then he bought me a HUGE rock. It was like 4x the size of my original engagement ring. He put it on my finger and I just didn’t say anything. I. don’t. know. why. I panicked and was blindsighted by a big diamond like an idiot. He tried to buy me. And I let it work.
And we got married. I was sick all day. I knew in my gut it was wrong. The entire wedding day I was running off once an hour to vomit.
Two weeks after the wedding I was completely miserable and had the biggest DUHHHHH MOMENT. And I told him I wanted a divorce.
I officially filed for divorce a few months later, after what seemed like forever of him “trying” and not actually trying to fix or change anything. It wasn’t going to fix things. He couldn’t change in the ways I would’ve needed, and I didn’t want him to. We just didn’t work together. So I finally told my parents and families and they were so caught off guard. They didn’t get it. They just DIDN’T understand. I told them I’d been unhappy for years and my parents just let me cry it out for awhile and I spilled my heart out and they said everything would be okay. They supported me and said they’d help me in whatever way I needed. They were both understandly sad because they had loved him like a son for so long. My mom said “but he’s so nice! it’s just so sad.” and I said I’d find someone else that’s also nice and better for me. She cried a lot too. It was so hard. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever lived through.
I moved out a couple weeks after filing for divorce. I got my own apartment and took my cat. I lived alone and just had “me time” for awhile. It was great. I finally got to know who I was and what I wanted. I had fun and made new friends and hung out with my coworkers who became great friends. I learned a lot about me and what I wanted in life. I needed that time. It was lonely and sad and great and helpful and much needed.
The whispers and the gossip that crawed through my small hometown was ridiculous and broke me a little bit though. It crushed my reputation and it crushed me to hear people talk poorly about my parents and family too. People made up their own stories and rumors about why we were getting divorced because everyone loves good gossip when it’s not about them. It was bad. I avoided going to that city except to visit my parents. (My apartment was in a large city about a half hour from my hometown.) But it eventually faded. Someone else did something worse or had a kid with someone scaldalous and whatnot. People forgot. I forgot. I don’t even think of him anymore.
It’s odd sometimes. On the day our divorce was finalized we sat in the courtroom together and giggled at the couple getting divorced before us. There’s was not easy but they were sort of ridiculous humans. We went up there afterwards and handed the judge all of our paperwork and settlement already all sorted. We split everything and just each took our things. We agreed on everything. The judge was kind of shocked. It took about 10 minutes. It was kind of funny. When we left the courthouse we actually hugged, and he said “Thank you. You were right. I’ve finally realized it. We weren’t right for each other. Good luck.”
It was very bittersweet.
But. It was worth it. Everything was worth it. I’m so much happier now. I never thought I could be this happy. I have three cats and one puppy and a house with room for kids, and a fiancé that is absolutely perfect for me. He’s fun, attractive, hilarious, about a foot shorter than my ex (irrelevant, lol) and just so “me” in every way. We get married in May. I cannot wait.
It will be hard. I know, I’ve lived it too. But if you’re feeling this way I know you need to get out now, and it will be much easier doing it before you’re married. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you GOT this. You will be thankful one day. You will be happier one day.
I wish you the best of luck! Please reach out if you want to talk more! <3