I don't want to marry my fiance, how do I get out of this? (complicated)

posted 6 months ago in Engagement
  • poll: what should I do about my wedding day jitters?
    cancel wedding, waste $30k of parents' money, and piss everyone off : (215 votes)
    99 %
    go through with wedding despite cold feet and try to make it work - divorce is always an option : (3 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    1891 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m so glad you found the support you needed here. That’s what these boards are for, and I’m so glad you were able to hear other bee’s tell how they called off their engagements and moved on from that. Your not alone, please come back and keep us updated and let us know how your doing. We are all here if you need more support, even if your just having a hard day. 

     

    confused38 :  

    Post # 47
    Member
    92 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    Add me to the “backed out before it was too late” club. Date was May 2019, and I broke it off February 2019. I got lucky that the only deposits that had been paid were to photographer and florist (everyone else was friend of family or something and had been lenient with deposits), but when I burst into tears and explained to my parents everything I’d been trying to shrug off about him, they said it wouldn’t matter if they’d already paid everything – I should still end it. So I did. Everyone else was extremely supportive, too. I thought I’d be judged way more, but when I gave brief explantions as to why, people hugged me, called me brave, etc. Now I’m taking some time to really find ME and it feels amazing.

    As far as actually ending it went, I handwrote  a letter, put the ring in the envelope, and handed it to him with very little explanation (because one of the reasons I ended it was because he made me feel like a complete idiot every time I had an opinion on anything, and I knew he’d do it then if I gave him the chance). My dad drove me to xFH’s house, I gave him the letter with a brief “I can’t marry you”, and I hightailed it back to the car, sobbing. Perhaps not ideal, but necessary when he can talk his way out of anything.

    Post # 48
    Member
    161 posts
    Blushing bee

    Yoir relationship with Steve is toxic. Leave him and never look back. You will regret marrying him. Nothing you say will make me think otherwise. 

     

    Post # 49
    Member
    3252 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    If you think canceling the wedding is gonna be embarassing, wait til you end up divorced a year down the line when he cheats on you again (or you cheat on him)…. 

    Please leave this relationship and don’t look back. It sounds like you were never once happy in this relationship over the entire course of 7+ years … That’s crazy! 

    Post # 50
    Member
    27 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2019

    confused38 :  Do NOT marry “Steve”. I’ve never been through this but I have been married 22 years. My brother screwed around on my sister in law when they were dating then when they were engaged. She kept taking him back….now theyve been amrried for 25 years and he has screwed around on her their entire realtionship. Do you want to end up like her? She looks old before her time, he has destoryed her self esteem, she finally went through depression and anxiety… and they have 4 children.

    End the plans right now. He wasn’t faithful to you. You were emtoionally unfaithful to him (and I get why) you are not in love with him, its obvious.

    Tell your family about his affair and the hell he put you through for 3 years and they will all be glad to say good bye to Steve.

    Move on with your life. You wont look like a joke honey you’ll look courageous and smart.

    Once some time has passed, then maybe date the other man you met.

    You need to leave this relationship and your gut is telling you bcuz you cant sleep. Go have a heart to heart with your family.

    Don’t settle for second best. It’s been so sad to watch my sister in law suffer. She is one awesome wife and mother, hard wokring. down to earth, and loyal (to a fault!)

    If he cheated on you when youre int he stage in your  realtionship when youre supposed to be in love adn onyl have eyes for each toher, why do you think he wont’ cheat when youre amrreid and he gets bored????

    Post # 51
    Member
    97 posts
    Worker bee

    I haven’t been in your situation but I’ve been one of the guests that was told the wedding was cancelled- 5 days out. 

    I got a phone call at work from my friend. She just blurted “weddings cancelled. sorry”

    I was shocked of course but I didn’t start pestering her for reasons or what happened. I just told her to let me know if there was anything I could do. 

    I would hope with you telling your guests they would just leave you be and accept the decision to cancel the wedding. 

     

    **She found a marvellous man 4 years later and married in a gorgeous elopement in the mountains. Been married 7 years <3

    Post # 52
    Hostess
    8432 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: Dorset, UK

    confused38 :  Listen to what your gut is telling you. You will not be happily married. You will get divorced. Cut out the middle man and call off the wedding. 

    Post # 53
    Member
    1081 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Have you broken up with Steve yet, or are you still in a planning phase/reaching out to your vendors? Just wondering if anything will get back to him or if you need to get your ducks in a row first. Will he be vindictive? Punitive about splitting the costs of things?

    One of my best friends got married to a guy she wasn’t sure about, for many of the same reasons you mentioned – she was 30, her parents had already put down a lot of money for a beautiful wedding, she felt pressure to go through with it. Less than two months later they broke up. It turned out he had been putting her through a bunch of emotional abuse verging on physical (breaking things, throwing things in her direction, putting her in danger by leaving her in the car in the middle of traffic  – he got out and stormed off, taking the key with him). Even on their honeymoon he was hideous to her. I’m sure her parents would have supported her if she hadn’t gone through with the wedding, they actually weren’t fans of his to begin with. 

    She got married again to someone she’d been friends with as a teenager, and now they have a beautiful little boy together.

    I see a painful divorce in your future if you go through with this wedding, and I think you know it. You don’t like or respect this man (for good reason!), so why on earth would you commit to him?! Life with a true partner and love is amazing; you can find it, but even if you don’t – I’d rather be single than in a relationship like the one you describe with Steve.

    Post # 54
    Hostess
    3828 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    confused38 :  If I was one of your friends or family members, I happily cancel my accomodations if I knew you were going to leave and be happy.  Steve is douchecanoe.  Dump him, cancel the wedding, and enjoy your new life as a fabulous single 27 year old!  27 is not old.  Most of my friends met their now husbands after 27.  

    Post # 55
    Member
    904 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    Add me to the broken engagement list!  I felt so worn down by my toxic relationship I’d forgotten what it was like to be happy, carefree, genuinely desired and in a relationship I enjoyed.  My “Danny” reminded me that there were other options out there. 

    Yes, I lost some money. Yes, there was some embarrassment.  Broken engagements are more common than you probably realize.  Nobody who cares about you wants you to be in a crappy marraige. Divorces are much worse (and more expensive) than a few deposits.  

    If you can’t get your money back from your vendors, consider asking them if they’ll hold your deposit toward future services (and get it in writing).  You may be able to gift a friend some photos from your photographer,  gift fancy florals for Mother’s Day from your florist, get amazing desserts for a birthday party from your caterer or give away your deposits to a friend who is getting married in the future.   If there’s a time-limit (such as 1 year), you might be able to send flowers to a hospital, or cupcakes to DV shelter instead of letting the money paid go to waste.

    Post # 56
    Member
    505 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    confused38 :  I phoned people close to me and emailed a mass email to everyone else, simply saying that we’d cancelled the wedding due to unfortunate issues we couldn’t resolve, and saying I’d appreciate support. I let him contact everyone his side.

    I gave him back the ring (although he didn’t want it either. I believe he later sold it).

    I agree with mrsaime about the dress. No rush to decide. I didn’t find it weird to wear my original dress for the following reasons:

    1) No one but my Mum had seen it.

    2) I asked my husband if he’d mind and he didn’t.

    3) I liked that style and if I’d have bought a new one it would have most likely been very similar.

    4) Money. I preferred to spend money on inviting more people than another dress when I loved what I had. 

    5) I’m not so keen on current fashions and you can’t get dressed like mine easily anymore  

    6) I had originally ordered a different dress, but the next day I freaked out, realised it wasn’t the one, and cancelled it to buy my dress instead. I’d decided on the wrong dress because it was a style my ex liked. He was a bit controlling. But it wasn’t ME. So I cancelled and ordered what I wanted. So I never felt like I’d bought it for him. I bought it for me. And there was something symbolic to me about having decided the first dress was wrong for me, and ending up with the second… Like I decided the first fi was wrong for me and married the second too! Crazy sounding, but it was like this dress was waiting for my husband all the time 

    I’d have bought a different dress if my fi had been uncomfortable with it. But he said, when he saw it, that it was just what he’d have chosen for me. I felt amazing in it and didn’t give my ex a second’s thought. I

    The accessories were all different. 

    It doesn’t have to be weird. Cross that bridge when you come to it. 

    How are you doing? I hope you’re OK. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    549 posts
    Busy bee

    I had cold feet before my first wedding. Unfortunately, I was very young and felt very much like you did, that I would be disappointing so many people. You know what was REALLY hard? Getting divorced a few years later. Soul-crushingly hard, and I didn’t even like the guy anymore. Whatever hard stuff you have to go through to cancel the wedding will be 1,000 times easier than divorcing on down the road. Please don’t go through with it. 

    Post # 58
    Member
    1021 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2018

    if your parents knew the truth about him i doubt theyd want you to marry this man. leave. leave now. just do it. youll get over the embarrassment far faster than being married to this garbage man

    Post # 59
    Member
    448 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    Back out now while you can make a somewhat clean getaway.  Don’t assume that divorce will be easy later on, what if he is a jerk and decides he doesn’t want to grant you a divorce? or is extrememly difficult or wants to take some of your assets whatever they will be by that time.  You will basically be standing at that alter lying when saying your vows.  Don’t put yourself and your guests through that. Maybe you can turn the wedding into a party – if the reception money is already paid for and you cant get it back change it to a party or your parents can do a vow renewal or something. 

    Post # 60
    Member
    192 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI

    Oh bee, I might need your email after this so we can chat more. I’ve been in a VERY similar situation. I posted this same comment on another bee’s thread and it did help her. I hope this is helpful for you too.

    Bottom line: Leave as soon as you can. Get out now. I waited too long and regretted it.

    ____________

    THE SHORT STORY: I can definitely relate to this. I called off my engagement a couple months before the wedding (literally everything was done and ready). Unfortunately, I ended up putting my blinders on again and went through with the wedding and THEN got divorced within a year. It was not great. I’m engaged again now, and I’m so much happier. 

    LONG POST AHEAD.

    ____________

    So, here it goes…

    We were together since I was 15 and he was 14. At the time of the wedding we were 23 and 22. We had grown apart like crazy. I mean, we were just kids when we got together, but we didn’t know anything else besides each other. We started fighting a lot. I started resenting him because we didn’t have like anything in common. He was my best friend, but I also just started despising him. He was the opposite of me in so many ways. He never did anything around the apartment. He had no drive or ambition to do anything with his life. He dropped out of two colleges. I graduated with a BFA. I got a job in my career. He started working at a sporting goods store and was content to do that forever (not that that’s bad, but he wasted so much money at colleges first.)

    I wanted nothing intimate with him. Too Much Information but I’m very active in my sex life now, and when I was single afterwards that’s all I wanted, but I NEVER wanted to be intimate with my ex. He honestly terrified me and I just felt gross thinking about doing things with him so I avoided it the best I could.

    We both were so ingrained in each others lives and families. We’d been together like 8-9 years. We had all the same friends. But I had to leave. I was miserable. So I called off the engagement. He was devastated. He cried and I cried and I started telling some of my coworkers (I was close to them).

    Then he bought me a HUGE rock. It was like 4x the size of my original engagement ring. He put it on my finger and I just didn’t say anything. I. don’t. know. why. I panicked and was blindsighted by a big diamond like an idiot. He tried to buy me. And I let it work.

    And we got married. I was sick all day. I knew in my gut it was wrong. The entire wedding day I was running off once an hour to vomit.

    Two weeks after the wedding I was completely miserable and had the biggest DUHHHHH MOMENT. And I told him I wanted a divorce.

    I officially filed for divorce a few months later, after what seemed like forever of him “trying” and not actually trying to fix or change anything. It wasn’t going to fix things. He couldn’t change in the ways I would’ve needed, and I didn’t want him to. We just didn’t work together. So I finally told my parents and families and they were so caught off guard. They didn’t get it. They just DIDN’T understand. I told them I’d been unhappy for years and my parents just let me cry it out for awhile and I spilled my heart out and they said everything would be okay. They supported me and said they’d help me in whatever way I needed. They were both understandly sad because they had loved him like a son for so long. My mom said “but he’s so nice! it’s just so sad.” and I said I’d find someone else that’s also nice and better for me. She cried a lot too. It was so hard. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever lived through.

    I moved out a couple weeks after filing for divorce. I got my own apartment and took my cat. I lived alone and just had “me time” for awhile. It was great. I finally got to know who I was and what I wanted. I had fun and made new friends and hung out with my coworkers who became great friends. I learned a lot about me and what I wanted in life. I needed that time. It was lonely and sad and great and helpful and much needed.

    The whispers and the gossip that crawed through my small hometown was ridiculous and broke me a little bit though. It crushed my reputation and it crushed me to hear people talk poorly about my parents and family too. People made up their own stories and rumors about why we were getting divorced because everyone loves good gossip when it’s not about them. It was bad. I avoided going to that city except to visit my parents. (My apartment was in a large city about a half hour from my hometown.) But it eventually faded. Someone else did something worse or had a kid with someone scaldalous and whatnot. People forgot. I forgot. I don’t even think of him anymore.

    It’s odd sometimes. On the day our divorce was finalized we sat in the courtroom together and giggled at the couple getting divorced before us. There’s was not easy but they were sort of ridiculous humans. We went up there afterwards and handed the judge all of our paperwork and settlement already all sorted. We split everything and just each took our things. We agreed on everything. The judge was kind of shocked. It took about 10 minutes. It was kind of funny. When we left the courthouse we actually hugged, and he said “Thank you. You were right. I’ve finally realized it. We weren’t right for each other. Good luck.” 

    It was very bittersweet.

    But. It was worth it. Everything was worth it. I’m so much happier now. I never thought I could be this happy. I have three cats and one puppy and a house with room for kids, and a fiancé that is absolutely perfect for me. He’s fun, attractive, hilarious, about a foot shorter than my ex (irrelevant, lol) and just so “me” in every way. We get married in May. I cannot wait. 

    ________

    It will be hard. I know, I’ve lived it too. But if you’re feeling this way I know you need to get out now, and it will be much easier doing it before you’re married. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you GOT this. You will be thankful one day. You will be happier one day.

    I wish you the best of luck! Please reach out if you want to talk more! <3

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