(Closed) I ended my engagement..

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Tough spot to be in, for sure. Saving money is great, but not if the way he is going about saving is putting so much stress on your relationship. Your ultimate happiness should absolutely be one of his top priorities, but it sounds like, somewhere along the line, communication broke down and he got a bit selfish.  You don’t have to live together when you’re engaged, so taking the ring back was a pretty harsh thing to do.  It’s really him who broke off the engagement, if you think about it.

I’m going to say what a lot of other bees might be thinking: you are really young to be engaged and planning your life with someone.  I’m not saying it can’t work for people who get married really young, but there is a whole lot you have to learn about yourself still – you’re just getting started as an adult and have so much living and experiencing to do. I have friends who got married in their mid-20s, straight out of university. Several of them are now talking separation and divorce.  The friends I have who travelled, bought real estate, worked different jobs to find the right fit, etc, and THeN got serious about their love lives are the ones who are some of the happiest women I know. Again’t to each their own and I am not saying getting hitched young means a doomed relationship – not at all.  But, if you already have had some glimpses into what the future will hold (controlling mother-in-law, selfish FI), then maybe some space and distance ae exactly what you need right now to regain your balance and perspective.

Good luck – I hope it all works out in the best way possible for you 

Post # 3
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’ve never been in your position, but I think you absolutely did the right thing. This too shall pass, and it will get better.

Post # 4
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

It sounds like you were pretty miserable together & now your ex & his family are committed to making sure you’re miserable apart.  IMO, yes you did the right thing.  The whole lot of them sound nuts.  Who wants a lifetime of that?

You will heal much faster if you can avoid contact with him & his crazy family.  It’s only natural that you would be hurting right now & they’re going to exert maximum pressure on your sorest spots.  They are not good people.

Can you go No Contact?

Post # 6
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

CLEbride2015:  Without knowing any of your background story it honestly sounds like you did the right thing. He does not sound anywhere near mature enough to be getting married. You’re right, marriage is about supporting eachother and doing whatever it takes to make eachother happy. Yes a lot of it is compromise and give and take and you certainly have to pick your battles at times but the direction you guys were heading did not sound healthy.

Yes saving money is great, but choosing to spend that money on a motobike instead of a home for the two of you is a huge red flag. He sounds like he wants to spend his money on toys and have his mummy look after him.

I know it’s heartbreaking and so difficult to move on from what you thought your life would be but it will get better I promise. Take care of yourself and focus on you. Don’t let his family blame you, that is completely uncalled for and they are way out of line.

Post # 7
8697 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

You did the right thing IMO. Give yourself some space and avoid facebook and the like for now.

Post # 8
339 posts
Helper bee

If you give in now they will think you are crawling back.  Have him meet you at a restaurant and see what HE has to offer in terms of YOU TWO together in your own place, living your own lives without his mommies y to lean on too much.  If he can’t meet you halfway, just to discuss this much (and I wouldn’t move back in with them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) you’ll know your answer.

Post # 10
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Good for you for leaving him. You have your whole life ahead of you. Stay strong. <3

Post # 11
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I second what PP are saying.

Also, consider this. He’s 20 and still wants his Mommy to look after him. You know what that means? If you guys were to ever get married, you become his mommy and he expects the same from you. I’m going to guess that doesn’t sound like something you’d want!

Post # 12
1411 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You did the right thing. He needs a girl who would be happy to have her life revolve around him, his family, and his needs, and you are not that girl. I wouldn’t be that girl either. In any case, he seems like he still has a lot of growing up to do.

I would hide/delete him and his family from yout Facebook, not look at tgeir pages, and possibly take a break from Facebook. It’s so much easier to heal with space. 

Focus on moving on, focus on you. Maybe that means spending a lot of time with your family and friends, maybe that means throwing yourself into work, volunteer work, internship, school, etc. And maybe it means finding a summer fling or something, there’s no shame in it, if you go into it eyes wide open it can be a lovely thing.

Post # 13
295 posts
Helper bee

I had a similar feeling when I left my ex. and it sounds like you are feeling like I did and are mostly missing having a person with you and not actually missing your ex fiance. My only advice is DON’T GO BACK. It feels awful now but it will get easier and you won’t regret it. 

Post # 14
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 1998

I think you did the right thing.

I got engaged at 19, and married at 21.  It was hard, and there are many hard times.  But we both have to try and work at it.  If it was really just you trying, then it won’t work.  

If he never sees your family, how will that work when you are married and have kids?  They need to see both sets of grandparents.

If they are only going to worry about how they feel, which they obviously are doing, and not worry about how you feel, then it will never work.

You will feel better eventually.  The hurt will lessen.  Take time for yourself.  You deserve it.

Post # 15
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’d give it another chance, honestly. It sounds like you still truly love him and the issues you are having right now in the moment are the result of the circumstances you are in because of your age. As the two of you grow older and mature these issues simply won’t be such big issues IMO. I do think you should move back home in the meantime and maybe take a little break, let’s be honest many of us likely wouldn’t have made it to the alter if we had to live with our in-laws first. Try to see the bigger picture and set clear boundaries for the future should the two of you try to work it out, people can and do change.

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