(Closed) I Ended My Engagment and can’t deal with the pain

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@steve117:  I think maybe this time away from her is necessary for you to recognize that the pain of not having her in your life is actually greater than your fear of marriage. Sometimes, I wonder if in this situation you should just “get married” without the big huge wedding. You have been with her for 8  years, so it is not that you are afraid of commitment. Why do you think things will be any different? What is your reasoning for this fear you have associated with marriage? I am guessing it ties to your past..

Post # 4
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@steve117:  Could the two of you discuss being engaged but not plan a wedding just yet? The idea of the wedding might be something that just takes time for you to get used to. 

Post # 5
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

What about her pain?  She wants to get married & has been with a guy for 8 years who doesn’t want to marry her!  She did the right thing by leaving you for HERSELF.  I understand you feel bad because you lost her, but if you love her, you have to understand that she did not leave you because she doesn’t want to be with you.

Post # 7
Member
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

First of all, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with so much pain and my heart goes out to you.  I have a question – is it possible that your anxiety and panic attacks don’t have as much to do with cold feet about marriage as possibly being a medical issue?  Have you seen a doctor?  There are a lot of really good anti-anxiety medications now that may be able to help you stabilize if you’re having some kind of chemical imbalance going on.  Just a thought . . .

ETA:  Ok, now that you’ve explained more, it does sound as though you’re under a tremendous amount of stress.  You’re taking a lot of responsibility on yourself.  If you aren’t ready to get married, you just aren’t, and don’t do it.  However, also realize that life is stressful for everyone.  It may just be that you (and maybe her, too) just need to learn to develop better coping skills.  You can learn to re-focus your thoughts at times to just being in the moment, relaxed, meditative, peaceful, joyful.  Life is all of these things – it is love and hate and good and bad and up and down.  You are no exception.  Nobody has it all easy all the time.  You can learn to come to a place of balance.  What do you do in your life that relaxes you the most and gives you some stress relief?  Where do you find the most love and peace inside yourself?  Those places exist, or you can create them.  Learn about this stuff.  And your life will still be stressful, like all of our lives are, but you will be able to deal with it all much more serenely if you can learn better coping skills.

Post # 8
Member
9483 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

Why did you propose?  Curiousity.

Post # 10
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Rouquine:  that’s a good question.

Post # 13
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry OP, I know there is pain on both sides of these situations.  Time does heal.  (I really hate that phrase, but it’s a cliche because it’s true.)

As for your ex, I understand her reasons for leaving.  You’re right, she does deserve someone who can’t wait to marry her.  Just know that the decision to leave was probably gut-wrenching and heart-breaking for her on many levels. 

Post # 14
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

First, ((hugs)).  It sounds like you’re really hurting, and I’m sorry for that.  The pain does fade.

Second, Wow.  It’s interesting to see the other side of this.  So often we hear the bride’s side of a story like this, and people are quick to say things like, “forget him, he just wants to play the field, you deserve someone better, etc.”  It doesn’t look like you’re doing much playing here, and you clearly love her. 

You’re right about your girl deserving someone who’s going to run down the aisle with her, and you were right to be honest with her.  This, in my mind, makes you a good guy.  I have some of your anxieties about marriage too, albeit much milder.  I’m terrified of not being a good wife, mother, etc.  My family history involves multiple marriages and divorces, split families, cheating, etc.  I often have to remind myself that I am not my parents, or their former spouses and that marriage can be a beautiful thing that is not full of stress stress stress.

Have you examined your family history this way? And that of your friends?  Do your family and friends provide you with examples of happy marriages, or do they reinforce your fears?  

To be very, very blunt, it could be too late with this one, but it would be beneficial for you to continue counseling on your own both to deal with the grief of losing a partner of 8 years, and with your fears of commitment. Another poster made a good point when she said that you’re clearly not afraid to commit and (I’m assuming) be faithful.  It’s the forever part that’s terrifying you.  

Are you on speaking terms with her now? Can you ask her for a month or two of time to get some intense, weekly counseling and work through some of this?

 

Edit: just saw how close the wedding is.  If you’re not ready, you’re not ready, and you did the right thing by being honest with her.  I would totally understand her not being able to continue the relationship after a cancelled engagement, but that doesn’t mean it hurts either of you any less.  I think you may have to take this as a learning experience and do some serious work on yourself for the next relationship. 

Post # 15
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@steve117:  Well I am not going to lie to you and sugarcoat things.  You did her a favor.  And if I were her, with the guy I’ve loved for 8 years with 95% of our wedding planned & all he could do was say “I, I I I I, me, me, me, me & my problems & she’s too stressful” you BET I’d be OUT of there.

Hopefully for her sake she is concentrating on herself & healing & moving forward.

I suggest you do the same.

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