- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
I am Male and 27 years old. We have been together for 8 years and all of those years have been great. She is loving, nuturing, understanding and everything someone could want and as little as 6 months ago I was fairly certain I was ready for marraige.
However, in January I had a massive panic attack (havent had one since highschool) and immediately thought it must be cold feet, so I did the responsible thing and told her immediately that the stress of marraige and being a good husband was freaking me out. She calmed my nerves and made me feel a lot better. A few weeks later I had a second panic attack and this time I knew it was more than cold feet, I kept telling myself that our ideas for children, where we’e gonna live, my career options and the fact that I didnt have things figured out were really causing me serious anxiety. Again, I was honest and took these issues to her and only her and again we talked and talked and realized that, while there were differences, for the most part we were going to be OK. I was great for a few weeks again and thought it was solved and then I had another one and this one was massive, I almost passed out. I told her again and I also took it upon myself to go and see a counsellor. I determined that I have a huge fear that I am just not ready to be a good husband and all the responsibility that comes with it. I never want to be a bad husband and I should be excited to be married but instead im filled with dread and fear and worry and she doesnt deserve that. She deserves someone ready to run down the aisle with her, not run away.
This time, she couldnt handle it and she left. I dont blame her but it really hurt and I begged her to come back which she did after a week, we promised to have a fresh start and work on things becasue we really do love each other and it sounds so crazy to throw away our home and our life together, we have it so good. But then I realized her confidence was now shaken and she couldnt cope with it all so we officially broke up and she left again. As a last resort I begged her to go to couples counselling to try and save this thing and work everything out. We’ve gone three times now but it isnt helping her at all, its just making her angry now and I completely understand.
Yesterday she decided that enough was enough and it was OFFICIALLY over and I have decided to accept that but I am full of shame and pain and hatred for myself for ruining something that was once so beautiful. I know that I am not 100% ready to get married and cant ask her to marry someone who isnt ready…
I just dont know how to move on and I cant function at work right now. It would help to know if someone else went through this and how I can cope with all this pain. I really am a mess…