I f***** my life up.

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Okay I’m going to step in here and tell all the women shaming her to step off. No form of birth control is 100% effective. Is she supposed to stay abstinent for 8 years? JFC ladies, put the claws back. This woman isn’ta high school sophomore who got knocked up in the back of a 2000 Honda Civic. She’s been with the same partner for eight years and ring or not, that counts for something. Birth control pills fail. Condoms break. Assuming she has been having sex twice a week for the last eight years, her chances of getting pregnant while on birth control are still fairly high.

Also OP, how does your partner feel about the baby? Some men run and some men don’t. Don’t underestimate his paternal instincts. My boyfriend and I are trying to do everything in the order we see fit, and be our best selves when we get married. But if I handed him a positive pregnancy test, he would be over the moon, reading my blood pressure and keeping me hydrated every day so we can have “fat, healthy Irish babies”. I had a twenty minute conversation on Saturday with a sleep deprived first time father who is wrist-deep in shit and he is glowing like a pregnant woman. You could be with a similar guy.

Also realize the validity of your previous statement. This is essentially a marriage, without the hoopla and legal recognition. Don’t push a wedding just because of a baby. Talk to him about it frankly. You might get what you want all three ways once things have settled.

Post # 17
Member
9755 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

This post really rubs me the wrong way but i’ll try not to be harsh. 

A wedding and honeymoon are nothing, you can take a nice vacation and have a fancy party all on your own. You don’t need a man for that. Since that’s all you focus on in your post I have no other advice than to throw yourself a party and go on a trip. Hell, buy yourself a nice ring too if you want. 

But hopefully you’ll reframe your thinking before your potential child is born if your pregnancy is successful. I would hate for your child to be born and you to look at it and think “You fucked my life up”.

Post # 18
Member
4798 posts
Honey bee

So it sounds like if the wedding and the honeymoon are all you want and you had everything else, and this appears to be a wanted child with a man who is ridiculously excited about the impending birth of his child, then it sounds like the actual problem is you decided to build all your hopes and dreams for your life around the one day party. Perhaps it is time to get a new dream. Perhaps it’s time to stop letting your life revolve around the concept of having a big party and think bigger, less shallow and superficial. Want more for yourself. It’s time to expand your dream to include other things beyond a one-day party and a week-long vacation. Because if you are on here bemoaning about how your life is ruined due to the lack of a one-day party and a vacation, then you were going to be in for a very harsh and empty life afterwards if you did get it having never planned for any dreams or a life beyond that.

Post # 19
Member
9755 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I just want to know where you’re getting your info about the chances of getting pregnant on birth control to be high of you have sex twice a month for 8 years. 

View original reply
ispeakingifs :  

Post # 20
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
nameless :  what a ridiculous statement.   If you don’t want kids then they’re not blessings.  It doesn’t matter if your best friend,  sister, and cousin are all infertile,  nobody is obligated to have a child they don’t want.

Op, there are options here.  Your life isn’t over.  However,  if you’re set on being a parent then I would plan as if you will be a single parent.   

Post # 22
Member
2943 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

My god, the bees are being cruel here!!

View original reply
nameless :  in particular. What the actual FUCK?! What is wrong with you?? No, not all pregnancies are blessings and just because other people struggle to get pregnant doesn’t mean that every woman who does so accidentally has to pretend she’s happy about it. If I got pregnant and for whatever reason was unable to abort, I’d be utterly DEVESTATED.

OP, it sounds like you have made up your mind about keeping the baby so I will not push the “you have options” point. Right now, you need to figure out how you are going to make it work going forward and what is most important to you.

If you are at the point in your relationship where you are so resentful about being denied a formal marriage that you were planning to leave, staying together for the kid isn’t going to solve that problem. If anything, it’ll make you feel even worse. I’m not saying you should definitely leave, but don’t stay together just because of the kid. You can make it on your own and you will if you need to. 

Post # 23
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
slomotion :  Twice a week.

Birth control effectiveness is measured per year for a given sample of women.

    <li style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>When taken correctly, the pill is over 99% effective at preventing pregnancy. This means that fewer than one woman in 100 who use the combined pill as contraception will get pregnant in one year. Other methods, such as the IUD, implant and injection, are more effective.

 

That 99% effectiveness is for one year with perfect, flawless use. Now measure 8 years and factor in user error. She played roulette for eight years and her number got picked this year. The chances go up. The more times you do something, the more opportunities there are for something to go wrong or happen. She could have missed one pill or been on antibiotics or it could be God or her partner has overly tenacious sperm. Who knows.

So 1% chance in year 1. Same chance in year 2. And year 3. So on. Until we get to year 8. So add it up and over the life of this relationship, the cumulative chances are higher than the annual breakdown. This is her year. she is within that 8%.

Post # 24
Member
1024 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
notsosoontobe :  Well, I’m going to say congratulations because it sounds like you’ve decided to be a mother and I’m sure while it’s not the way you wanted, you are going to love the little one. Since it sounds like you wanted to be married to this man, maybe this big step will nudge him toward a proposal but if that is not what you want anymore or if this is not how it turns out, you will be just fine! Why can’t you talk to anyone about your feelings? 

Post # 25
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
notsosoontobe :  Just keep an open mind. This might be the push he needs to want to get married. Or you might have to adjust your expectations.

If you have found a man who loves you and is excited about creating human life with you, roll with it. Don’t sell a perfectly good house because the shutters aren’t blue.

Post # 26
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
ispeakingifs :  chances of pregnancy are not high while on birth control pills if it’s used correctly. We dont know if she was on BC. If you have sex twice a week or a few times a month it doesnt really matter, what matters is that you have sex in those 5ish days that you are fertile. 

That 1% is probably people who use it incorrectly. And using anything incorrectly may have consequences. But to day the chances of getting pregnant are high is a bit of an exaggeration. 

Post # 27
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

You will be OK, we are all here for you! One of my friends broke up with her partner after years of being together and having a child with the guy. Two years later she met the ‘nicest person she has ever met’ who loves her and her kid as if the kid were his own.

Post # 28
Hostess
9742 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

View original reply
nameless :  Absolutely appalling comment. Any others like that will result in an account ban.

OP –

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but please dont shoulder all of the blame. It takes 2 to make a baby. You can still have all those things you want, but maybe it will be better because you’ll have your son or daughter by your side. Maybe it won’t be with their bio dad if things don’t end up working out, but you are deserving of love and your dreams and a happy relationship. You didnt fuck up your life! You were thrown a curve ball – and now it’s time to step up to the plate and knock it out of the park. You got this. 

Post # 29
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You may not have a clean break but if you want a break from this guy, you can still break up.   Plenty of women with children from prior relationships get married.   Your life may not be what you thought it would be but you can paint a mighty fine vision for yourself moving forward. 

As an unmarried mother, it does make sense for you to speak to an attorney to find out all of the ins and outs of legal coparenting and child support rules in your jurisdiction.

Post # 30
Member
559 posts
Busy bee

I don’t have much advice but I get you. I come from a family that when you have children, then your self-indulgence is over. You now live to provide for your child and spending money on a nice wedding and honeymoon is a waste and you’re basically taking food out of your own child’s mouth, right?. This is part of why it was important to me to be married before having kids. I know that if had happened the other way around I would be off the the courthouse and even though no one is entitled to it, it would suck to not have the chance to throw a big party with the people I love (expecially since I’m the kind of girl that has been dreaming of it since I was a kid). I have a cousin that got pregnant out of wedlock and while she wanted to try to plan a wedding before she started showing it just wasn’t possible. She talked about going back and having a big church wedding after but now she’s 10 years and three kids in and doesn’t see any point. But part of her is still sad about it, she’s had friends that get the big wedding and you can tell it hurts her and she tries to cover it up with snarky “I would never waste money on THAT” comments but I know why she wouldn’t “waste money” and it does…in fact…suck.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do and I’m sure no matter how hard it is you have the capacity to make the decision that is best for you.

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