Post # 31
Did marriage come up again when you told him you were pregnant? Does he understand that without marriage you may still leave him?
A baby won’t keep you from having a wedding or honeymoon with him or anyone else. Now you can plan a babymoon, too, even if it’s just a great trip for you. Hugs, Bee. You’ve decided you are going to be a mother so figure out how to be the best mother you can be, and whether or not that includes continuing in a relationship with your man. Sounds like counseling would be a good start.
Post # 32
ispeakingifs : Uhh, I’m no math genius, but even I know that 1% a year does NOT add up to 8% over 8 years. It’s not cumulative. That’s not how probability works.
Post # 33
hotdoglover : I was waiting for someone to point this out!
Post # 34
Bee, congratulations on your pregnancy. The timing is so wrong for you, I get it. I really hope that this will be a positive thing that will show your other half that he can’t coast along and he needs to step up to the mark. It isn’t wrong for you to still want your wedding and honeymoon and I know so many people who have gotten married and honeymooned after having their family so don’t give up on your dreams. But regardless what happens you will have a baby to love. Wishing you all the best.
Post # 35
mrspuppylove : I didnt say they were high, I said fairly high, as in compared to something else. And that 1% chance is actually if it’s used properly. If it’s not used properly, the effectiveness drops from there.
I’m saying 1% of 100 is one. And 1% of 1,000 is 10. So if she has sex 100 times, one of those times there could be a failure. And if she has sex 1,000 times, ten of those times could be a birth control failure. I spoke to a female teammate just this morning who informed me that she was on the birth control pill for 20 years when she unexpectedly got pregnant with her third child. Her birth control failed. When there is even the slightest room for error, it means there is a chance of error.
Post # 36
hotdoglover : Oh fuck. I knew I shouldn’t have gone to art school.
Post # 37
If the yearly failure rate is 1%, that’s (.99)^8 = .923, or 7.7% failure rate over 8 years (assuming independence of yearly failure rates, which probably isn’t strictly true)
Post # 38
ispeakingifs : it’s not high. In fact isnt the pill 99.9% effective when take correctly? But for simplicity if you have sex 10000 days in a row, each day there is a 1% chance of it failing. The odds do not increase the more you have sex. It is always a 1% chance and that is not high.
Post # 39
notsosoontobe : take deep breaths and remember all that is good in your life — friends, job, pets, home, family, hobbies, etc. You didn’t F*** up your life, you’re simply traveling a different path. You need to find new path now
Life almost never goes according to plan. This pregnancy is a surprise and your previous comment mentions that this could be your only chance to have a child. If you end up keeping the baby, it’s not a death sentence to your life. Your life will change a lot but you won’t have the clean break you were looking for. It seems like your Boyfriend or Best Friend is happy to coparent and step up to being a dad. Maybe see if he’d be open to going down to the courthouse and getting married before the baby is born. IF you still want marriage.
You could throw a huge first birthday party for this baby or have your dream wedding as a vow renewal with the baby as a flower girl or ring bearer. If commitment is the only thing lacking in your relationship then this is a good solution. If there are other issues for which you were going to leave him then find single parent support groups. I know a few single parents and they are all doing an amazing job. Some are in serious dating relationships. Others are not actively dating by choice. Whatever life you envision for your self, it is possible just a little different.
Post # 40
mrspuppylove : Actually over 10000 independent trials an event with 1% probability per trial has an almost 100% chance of occurring at least once.
Post # 41
notsosoontobe : Oh bee. I’m sure this is a huge shock. You can still have your dream wedding and honeymoon, whether it’s with your SO or someone else down the road. You can be a single mom, you can raise an amazing child. It sounds like you are going to continue with the pregnancy, so I’m going to say YOU CAN DO IT. You will be okay, regardless of how your relationship ends up. I had a baby at 19, broke up with her dad 6 months later, and we were fine. Was it easy and perfect? Of course not, but no parenting situation is, whether you’re married or single. Eight years later, I met my now Darling Husband and we have an amazing life and he loves my daughter like his own. You will be okay and you can do this! Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.
Post # 42
Do you actually want to be married to this man, like, would you be happy to go to courthouse next week and sign papers and call yourselves married?
Or are you just disappointed because you think having this baby has ruined your chances of a big party?
Post # 43
Oh, Bee. Honey. I don’t doubt that at this moment you feel as if your life is hopelessly effed up. That’s completely understandable and I am sorry you’re going through this.
It’s going to take awhile for you to navigate your emotions and fears, to say nothing of the big jolt you just had. Lean on the people who love you the most. Once the fog begins to lift, it will start to become clear that your life is not effed up. You’re going to be ok. You already are ok.
Post # 44
notsosoontobe : I’m going to take as given that you have decided to continue the pregnancy. I think you need to think carefully on whether this individual is someone you want to be with long term. If he is not, I would suggest you leave now, which will give you time to settle down before the baby arrives. The timing is a bit suspicious. Abusive partners have been known to use reproductive manipulation as a means of control. Of course, I cannot make a determination given the current information. Additionally, I would think carefully if you want to have a child with him, as this will grant him control over large aspects of your life for a very long time.
However, if he is ultimately the person you want to spend your life with, it’s worth having a serious conversation about the future. 8 years is long enough to know a person and marriage affords a number of rights which may become critical during your pregnancy and after. There is nothing stopping you from booking an appointment at the courthouse this week and letting him know. If he doesn’t show up, at least you have your answer sooner rather than later. You can always plan an elaborate wedding and honeymoon after the child is born.
Post # 45
Congrats on your baby! I do understand that it hasn’t come at the most opportune time, and there is nothing wrong with being disappointed about that. Just because you are sad about possibly not having your dream wedding or honeymoon does NOT mean that you only care about that. You have been together 8 years, I’m sure you mostly want recognition and celebration of your love and committment, as well as some romance and confirmation from him that you are the person he wants to be with forever. Those are huge things, things that many women dream about and plan for, and most of those plans don’t include being pregnant and having a newborn.
Personally I would sit him down and explain to him that with a baby on the way, you need a committment from him. That you don’t want to bring a child into the world with a man who could leave the next day with no consequences. That if he wants to raise this child with you, you need something more from him, and that you expect to be engaged. Many women don’t announce pregnancy until the 3rd month, so you could give him a month or so to propose. If he does, you can announce an engagement before you make a baby announcement. If he doesn’t, well…it sucks but there is your answer, and better you know it that he isn’t in it for the long haul before you have the baby so you can plan what your life will be as a single mother.
If it’s the best case, you can have a wedding and honeymoon after the baby is born. If it’s the worst case, you can reach out to family and look into gathering a strong support system for yourself. I wish you the best, bee. Congrats again.