I f***** my life up.

posted 9 months ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
18 posts
Newbee

Getting pregnant happens, it’s not the right time for you. That’s FINE. But a marriage is more than a big party and a holiday. You’re pregnant by someone who is excited and wants to be a good parent – and you’re upset because you don’t get a day about you and a holiday. Wow. 

Post # 47
Member
8424 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ispeakingifs :  

I wish people would refrain  from  these self righteous and  usually   inaccurate comments, ”  I’m going to step in here and tell all the women shaming her to step off”  All  the women ? Those would be the one woman ( whose posting history shows her to be  desperate for a child and whose comment was instantlyy moderated ) would it?  All the other comments touching on   BC have been factual  and/or  philosphical.

I think maybe it is you who need to ‘step off’  

Post # 48
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

I think you should still have a serious talk about your future with this man. You’re going to be raising a child together but that doesn’t mean you’re stuck with him. Are you happy with him? Does he even understand how his lack of commitment has made you feel this way? If you are to move forward in a healthy way, he has to know that it’s not okay to just brush off your wishes. You are a team. And now you have even more decisions to work out together. I think you have to change your mindset about this though. You did not fuck up your life. Things happen and you need to adjust, but saying that because your pregnant may bring unnecessary resentment toward the baby. You can still have a wonderful wedding and honeymoon if you two work toward it. You have so many options.

Post # 49
Member
670 posts
Busy bee

It really sounds like you feel trapped and unsure of how to navigate from here. Putting myself in your shoes, I can only imagine how it might feel like your world is spinning.  It’s a lot to take in and you don’t need to decide anything at this exact moment. I think you just need sometime to figure out your options and wrap your head around them. A starting point might be to figure out what’s going to make you the happiest – continuing in a relationship with SO or leaving him and finding someone else whom you feel wants to be with you. (Because I think we (and the OP) all know being married doesn’t mean being happy and not doing things in a particular order doesn’t mean your life is over).

Post # 50
Member
6224 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

notsosoontobe :  Since you know you are planning on keeping the baby, you should have a conversation with him where you start laying out your co-parenting agreements now, before the baby comes. Things can be amended once the baby is here, but it’s wise to start the conversations now, while things are less stressful. Also, it might make you feel like you have more of a handle on things to start laying out and thinking through all of your options.

And, for what it’s worth, I would be upset, too, if I’d been waiting for a proposal and some indication that my SO recognized it’s importance to me and not getting that but then he was all excited to plan and prep for a baby after I accidentally got pregnant. I wouldn’t be pleased about that at all. It’s important to feel that we are wanted for ourselves. And sometimes the ritual and the party and the celebration in front of loved ones does make a difference. It’s too bad you didn’t have a chance to make your clean break sooner and find someone else who wanted partnership, marriage AND a baby with you.

Post # 51
Member
2658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

notsosoontobe : I think you need to express your feelings loudly and clearly, immediately. Everyone is so busy shaming you for wanting a wedding, no one is looking at the bigger, very important issue of this possibly causing you to resent your child. That’s not ok, that’s not fair to you or the baby. For the good of your child’s childhood and your metal health you need to get your wedding. Talk to your bf immediately, tell him what you NEED, do not say like, do not say want, say need, you need this. Sorry so many people are dragging you for daring to have your own dreams.

Post # 52
Member
924 posts
Busy bee

[quote] Twice a week.

Birth control effectiveness is measured per year for a given sample of women.

    <li style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px;”>When taken correctly, the pill is 

over 99% effective

     at preventing pregnancy. This means that fewer than one woman in 100 who use the combined pill as contraception will get pregnant in one year. Other methods, such as the IUD, implant and injection, are more effective.

 

That 99% effectiveness is for one year with perfect, flawless use. Now measure 8 years and factor in user error. She played roulette for eight years and her number got picked this year. The chances go up. The more times you do something, the more opportunities there are for something to go wrong or happen. She could have missed one pill or been on antibiotics or it could be God or her partner has overly tenacious sperm. Who knows.

So 1% chance in year 1. Same chance in year 2. And year 3. So on. Until we get to year 8. So add it up and over the life of this relationship, the cumulative chances are higher than the annual breakdown. This is her year. she is within that 8%[/quote]

Thats not how this works  That’s not how any of this works  

Hormonal contraceptives work by stopping ovulation  Therefore, if it’s working “tenacious sperm” still don’t have a chance because the eggs are still in the ovary and aren’t ripe. It doesn’t matter how many times a woman has sex – her risk of pregnancy doesn’t increase if she’s not ovulating. Risk percentage also does not change  – becoming 8% in year 8, as you posited. This isn’t like Russian roulette where someone has to get the bullet if you shoot it the number of times that there are chambers in the gun. There is no guarantee that an event will happen when it comes to pregnancy. Statistically speaking, nothing in science can be stated to be 100% effective – there will always be outliers. The statistics have to take into account the women for whom a particular type/brand of hormonal contraception won’t work because of her body chemistry. Even then, sex has to occur within the righ window of time and fertilization/pregnancy is not guaranteed – hence why the effectiveness of hormonal contraception is stated as “over 99%”. But having more sex or using hormonal birth control for more years doesn’t change your probability of getting pregnant and certainly isn’t similar at all to playing Russian roulette.

Sorry for the tangent. This was bugging me  

ispeakingifs :  

Post # 53
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

mrspuppylove : 

I get that I’m bad at math. It doesn’t change the fact that birth control is not perfect and some women still get pregnant. The original commenters in this thread were shaming OP. My original argument is correct. All of you are rude and continued to dogpile on me without doing your research, even though the link I provided is one of the first search results when you look up “birth control effectiveness over time”. Rude.

[Comment moderated for TOS violation]

 

https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html

    <li style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style: none;”><!–/data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/share/clipdata_190205_124437_491.sdoc–>
    <li style=”box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-height: 1e+06px; border: 0px; background: 0px 0px; list-style: none;”>
Post # 54
Member
9926 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I was the first one that questioned where you were getting your numbers from your initial statement. When you are incorrect about something people can/will correct you. Perhaps you may not have known or been misinformed in which case having someone say “Hey, that’s actually not right” could be beneficial. I didn’t see anyone attack you in their responses they simply stated that your information is incorrect and here are the reasons why. 

No need to take it so personally. 

ETA: I saw the article you linked to, no need to PM it to me. PPs have summed up why it’s incorrect. You stated there is a high chance of getting pregnant while taking birth control if you have sex twice monthly for a prolonged period of time. That is a false statement. Plus it was irrelevant to begin with since we don’t know of OP was even on any form of BC.

ispeakingifs :  

Post # 55
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

OP, if your partner is excited about becoming a father, it seems like a good time to plan for what your future looks like – together or apart. Pregnancy and birth can be dangerous. Does he want to be in the hospital with you, capable of making medical decisions on your behalf (and do you want him to)? Are you at a stage where you even want to be married to him anymore? You say you’re basically living as if you’re married already – if what you truly want is to continue that life, but with your commitment made official, then I would push for an inexpensive ring and a simple ceremony or courthouse wedding. But your partner seems to take for granted that you’ll stick around indefinitely (and why wouldn’t he? You have so far, despite YEARS of you bringing up marriage and him doing nothing about it).

I think if you do want to marry him, you need to give him an ultimatum. The time for timeline discussions is past. If you’re keeping the baby and expect that he’ll be a good father, tell him you’ll work out a fair custody agreement and be respecful of his role, but you can’t stay with him unless you’re married.

Post # 56
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee

 ispeakingifs :  I’m not attacking you, I didnt mean to come across that way. I don’t think the nytimes is a good source, but even so, looking at their graph for the pill (which is what you were focusing on) with perfect use it’s very very low. You said there was a high chance of getting pregnant while on the pill and I was just stating the opposite. 

Although, I do agree that with any form of birth control, if used incorrectly, the chances of getting pregnant increase. 

Post # 57
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - Massachusetts

I just wanted to chime in for all the math whizzes here. My boyfriend is an actual statistician and explained that this should be thought of at a 100 sided die. Every time you roll, your odds of getting any given number is 1%, regardless of previous rolls. There is independent variables, so it’s always at 1%. I don’t know where people are getting 8%- that’s not how this works.

I digress though. OP, you do whatever is best for you and your baby because that’s really all that matters at this point. If you wanna dump his ass and make him pay child support, then so be it. If you want to stay with him, then so be it. Depending on where you live, it might even be more beneficial to you not to be married to this guy. Just saying. My friends are “engaged”, like he gave her a ring, but they’ve got two kids now, so having a wedding is out of the picture for awhile. It makes more sense for them to stay unmarried at this moment because of their money issues. They are happy together and are OK with their situation. You are obviously unhappy with this guy.

Post # 58
Member
953 posts
Busy bee

I know someone who found out she was pregnant a few weeks after she broke up with a boyfriend. FWIW, that child is now 8. The parents never got back together and have actually done a hell of a good job coparenting. He is a good dad.  A really good dad. Both have now married other people. 

 

Life is far from over, bee. It sounds like you want this child and your Boyfriend or Best Friend is excited to be a dad. You don’t have to stay together if it’s not a good relationship but you can still both be great parents to this kiddo.

Post # 59
Member
856 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry you’re in this unforeseen situation, bee. Reading your post made me react out loud because I feel for you so much. I don’t have any good advice, but with your condition, I am pretty confident you’ll view this as a blessing in time. Not sure if you ever thought you’d be able to conceive, but there’s absolutely a reason this occurred. You just don’t know it, yet. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. 

I would do two things: one, tell your SO man up and let’s get married- even though it’s not what you envisioned, you can still have the big celebration whether it be now or after the baby is born. 

And two, as you’ve stated abortion is not going to happen, focus on being healthy both mentally and physically for your baby. Whatever happens in your relationship, you will absolutely survive it whether your SO and you stay together or you raise your baby independently. There’s lots of great people on here willing to listen and help, so know you’re not alone. 

Post # 60
Member
756 posts
Busy bee

hotdoglover :   ispeakingifs :  Since we are talking about a sequence of independent events (e.g. probability of not getting pregnant each year), wouldn’t you just find the probability of each independent event (99% chance of not getting pregnant) and multiply the probabilities?

(.99)^8 = .922 => 92.2% probability of NOT getting pregnant over 8 years

 

While the methodology ispeakingifs used was incorrect, in this case the number she threw out there is actually a good estimate.

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