(Closed) I feel a knot in my stomach when….

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Hello

I’m sorry! 🙁 Can I ask how your relationship was prior to marriage? I am wondering what has happened to change it so suddenly after marriage. Because my relationship with my hubs just carried on as it did before marriage except I knew we were married of course!

Were you together long before marrying?

Post # 4
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m sorry to you and your new husband that you are going through this. I really really really would look deeper into your feelings to see what it is that is causing you to feel this way. They are your feelings and only you can know where it is stemming from. In the meantime, your new husband is suffering. Feeling anxious and desperate 2 weeks after your marriage is not the common feeling (not saying it isn’t “normal”). There is something deeper than not coming to terms with being married. I hope you are able to explore your feelings more and if you need, get some good counseling. When did the feelings start? How did you feel after getting engaged? How often do you feel this way? Do the negative feelings fog the positive? Did something happen that made you feel this way? How long have you known your DH? Did you rush into marriage? How old are you? There are so many factors that could go into your feelings and I hope that you will explore them.

Post # 6
Member
2655 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Fite4Luv: I read your post earlier and feel bad for you. I’m sure you are not the only one to feel like this though not too many would post it because it’s a hard thing to say. When I moved in with my other half I struggled for a while too. I didn’t tell my friends that we moved in for a long time because I was afraid it wouldn’t work. Even though I was mad about him! I felt desperate and stressed and needed my own space. Luckily he recognised this and after a while I settled into a routine with him. I just think that somepeople find it hard to settle into new routines…I’m certainly a creature of habit! In the mean time could you keep yourself busy (meet friends/family, do exercise and maybe talk to him without freaking him out (say you’re finding it hard to settle in the new home/routine etc). Hope this helps!

Post # 7
Member
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Fite4Luv:  I’m sorry you’re going through this – I know it can’t be much fun.

May I ask some questions?  Because I feel this issue goes deep, possibly even stemming from childhood.

When you were young how did you envision your future?  Did you see marriage as part of it?

At the times you thought about marriage as a younger person, did you feel positive or negative about it?

What kind of marriage did your parents have? 

Do you know any positive marriages of your family or friends?

Why did you get married?  Only because it was expected, or another reason?

What do you love about your husband?

These are just for starters, lol.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Fite4Luv:  You sound a little like me when we first got married (and sometimes even now). I think PPs on your other thread gave good advice. One thing he needs to understand is that the more he clings to you, the further away you want to go. If he respects your space, you will come to him on your own terms. If he is really resistant to letting you do your own thing, ask him just to try it for 1 to 2 weeks so he can see the difference it makes in you and your relationship.

The other advice I have is try not to think about being married. There’s a lot of pressure that comes with being a newlywed and it’s very unrealistic. You may only hear from people who are in a honeymoon phase, but realize its not actually the norm. Because of pressure to have a perfect marriage, most people won’t share how tough it was to get the second to marriage. There’s a real reason people say that the first year is the hardest and my resume divorces happen in the first year than any other. So just take it one day at a time and don’t think about marriage or how it’s “supposed to be”. Getting used to living together and being married is tough, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself to be totally okay with it right away, it takes time to adjust.

Post # 9
Member
3374 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

OP, Is there something you don’t like about your husband or wish he was someone else? Or is this more of a problem coping with the change of marriage.

I guess I don’t feel marriage as a trap, I have all the same freedoms I had when I was single (I just maybe discuss big decisions or purchases more).

Do you feel trapped about other things in your life?

Post # 10
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you should make an appointment with a counsellor and talk about how you’re feeling and why. To work that out, you’re going to need more help than an internet message board can give.

That said, marriage isn’t permanent, and if it turns out this was the wrong  choice for you, it’s not something that can’t be undone. But I think you should talk to a professional before you make any decisions.

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