(Closed) I feel bad, but I can’t help but feel almost insulted.

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Be careful, hon. Guys are notoriously bad at picking up on subtlety. I hate to say it, but there’s a very good chance, IMO, that he won’t even notice that it’s on the “wrong” finger. Would your best girl friend notice? Of course! But a guy? Much less likely.

And I totally get you, that you would rather avoid treading into the “nagging” territory of bringing up engagement, and that he knows full well that you want to be engaged. But he doesn‘t know that this promise ring is such a slap in the face to you. Once again, guys just think and see things completely differently than we do. I guarantee you it never occurred to him that giving you this ring would do anything but delight you. See what I mean?

I also get that you want to take back the reins a bit. So, I would bring up the ring in a way that leaves a “when are we gonna get engaged” talk out of it, since you’re not comfortable with that. Maybe even tell him straight up that you won’t be wearing it on your ring finger. Something like, “It was so sweet of you to replace the old ring, but I just don’t feel comfortable wearing it on my ring finger at this point, so I hope that’s okay with you. Since we’ve been together this long, people are just going to assume it’s an engagement ring and I’d rather avoid the confusion.” Hah, okay… a little on the passive-aggressive side, but I still think you’re well within your rights to put it that way. Plus, you wouldn’t be lying and claiming that you’re “so excited to have a new ring! but…” or anything like that. You’re acknowledging the gift and the sentiment behind it, but still keeping it real.

Hope tonight goes well, and be sure to keep us updated!

Post # 65
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I know that my opinion is probably in th minority, but I think if he doesn’t propose within another 6 months, it might be time to start looking for a new place. Not breaking up….just looking for a new place. Sometimes not having you around is the impetus men need to take it to the next level. It definitely works better than an ultimatum, that’s for sure.

Post # 66
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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@cosmocity: and
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@lezlers:

I couldn’t agree more. You absolutely do not need to feel bad or be talked out of how you feel…it is completely valid! I’d like to think I’d have the balls to strangle the guy like Lezlers would have after 4 years…I’m generally non-violent but a promise ring would not be enough for me.

Post # 67
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee

any update?

Post # 68
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

@JoesWifey: I’m waiting for an update too!

Post # 69
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

While we’re waiting for a response- I have seen some snarky posts about promise rings on the boards, (and I don’t want to turn this into it,) and I could never quite figure out what I didn’t personally like about them- but this is it. When you get to a certain age (marriageable age- whatever that is considered regionally/culturally/spiritually) promise rings are just a weird placeholder and less of a promise.

He has put her on “hold” without actually making a commitment. She is sitting around- coming up with hints.

If you two talk and it seems like you’re still playing a negotiating/waiting game, I say- no more with accepting that. No more walking on pins and needles around him either. I understand ultimatums don’t work but I would at least say you will be moving out if you’re not engaged in a certain time. I would put that promise ring in a box. No more buying time for this guy. It’s time for him to man up. Why do we just accept that we should just wait for our men  to be “ready” while we play house, play marriage, play wife? 

Post # 71
Member
3165 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@authentic: yay! so nice to have an update! i think it’s good that you’ve assessed the situation for yourself and are comfortable with where you are in your relationship. your convos sound a lot like mine and my FH before we got engaged so i think he’s in agreement with where your relationship is heading. it’s nice to hear that you’re refocusing your energy on your health too – best of luck!!!

Post # 72
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

Thanks for the update! Sounds like you’re in a really good place and I am certain things will fall into place for you very soon 🙂

Post # 73
Member
32 posts
Newbee

oh how awkward and frustrating been with my guy 6 years now have a 3 year old son and was a commitment phobe we are hopefully getting married next year in vegas we are from the uk.

but how i have managed it is being crawl to be kind and actually showing him this forum on what it does to us makes us upset un loved and he realised, waiting on my proper proposal and my ring but i told him he has 3 months to do it hehehe or bye bye

Post # 74
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Just a note from something a set of friends of mine did before getting married after 8 years together:

She told him no small black ring-sized boxes, unless it’s THE ring.  That way she wouldn’t have to hide disappointment when a beautiful pair of earrings or soemthing else small and wonderful as gift, but not an engagement ring, showed up, and when she DID find THE black box in her “Christmas” gift jacket, she knew.

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