(Closed) I feel broken

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
798 posts
Busy bee

A lot of the advice you have received has been wondeful. I’m not sure whether this is the right guy for your or not, I think it would be hard for anyone to tell from just this thread, however, I do think you need to focus on yourself, and get you in a better place, and then if in the time it takes to do that, you still don’t feel he’s going to make a comitment, move on, but at least at that point, you’ll be happier, healthier, and ready to move forward one way or another. You don’t want to be wondering “what if” with your relationship, but you also don’t want to be wondering why you wasted all those years.

I recently read a thread on here from “Mr Bee” and his suggestions were great! Not so much the suggestions for getting him to propose, because I don’t think your guy sounds like someone that can be made to do what he doesn’t want to do, but the backup plan advice, where you start making time for things you want to do. Go to the cinema, meet new people, start a new hobby, workout if you want to get in better shape – basically get your own life, without your guy. Become the best you you can be. Good luck!!

boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mr-bees-three-step-plan-and-backup-plan-for-getting-engaged/#axzz31oRCtICv

Post # 17
Member
910 posts
Busy bee

I just want to say, if children are really that important to you then you need to put yourself first. At some point having children is no longer going to be an option. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. I just don’t think it should be that difficult.

You want kids, you want marriage, he can’t give that to you. At his age he’s had plenty of time to think about what he wants from life and the path he needs to take to get there.

Take a leaf out of his ex’s book. There is someone out there who would love to marry you, have children with you and embrace life with you. 

Post # 18
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

“Our relationship is extremely volatile and has been for at least the last three years.”

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ZenBeeNine:  And you not only want to marry this man but bring children into the world with him? Don’t settle for this guy, find someone who truly wants to be with you and cannot wait to marry you. From what I’ve gathered, this guy likes keeping you around maybe because it’s safe and comfortable, but he does not want to take steps to make this a permanent thing. If he wanted you to be his wife, you would be. If he wanted to sell his place and get something that is both of yours, he would have done it by now. You make it easy on him because you are the one hanging on the line and he hasn’t been forced to make a real decision. For your sake I think you need to do some soul-searching and take a break from this toxic relationship. It’s doing you more harm than good.

Post # 19
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

He is not a bad person, but he is manipulative and controlling. In your own words, you state that he is unwilling to do simple things that you want to do, he puts his hobbies before spending time with you, etc. Do you really think it makes sense to marry someone who prefers his hobbies above all else? How will that work out with children? 

If you continue to wait around until you are unable to have children, will you resent him? He will not budge on anything, and refuses to even give you a timeline for proposing. You even say that this happened with another girlfriend he had! Perhaps, you should take a page out of her book and get out of there. You have given up everything for him and he still won’t committ to you. Deep down, you know something is not right and that is why you are having physical and emotional problems. Please, deal with it so you can heal. 

The waiting game is rough, especially when you want to try for children and meet certain goals within a certain timeframe. Please, walk away from this unhappy situation. Good luck to you!

 

Post # 20
Member
437 posts
Helper bee

I was in the wrong relationship for most of my 20s (6 years).  I thought FOR SURE I would have a ring on my finger by 2 years in since it seemed like everyone around me was getting engaged. I waIted and waited and got more and more hopeless. He was SO controlling and kept telling me that he needed to be sure and that by 5 years in he would know (what?!).  About 6 months after our 5 year anniversary, he finally proposed. It was incredibly anti-climactic. It didn’t take me long to realize that I was about to devote my whole life to someone who was completely wrong for me. I had spent all those years focused on forcing a family that I completely missed the point of marriage – to spend the rest of your life with your best friend!   I ended up calling it all off (thankfully before any money was spent) and shortly after I met my DH. I learned very quickly that when it’s right it FEELS RIGHT and you are never in a position of feeling like you’re not good enough. 

Biggest hugs to you 

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ZenBeeNine:  xo 

Post # 21
Hostess
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

I am sor sorry to hear this. Your story brought back a lot of memories for me. I was with my ex for 4.5 years. All I wanted was to buy a house, get married and have babies. You know, like most other people. He strung me along for such a long time and made me miserable, then used that misery as a reason not to propose. It was all utter bullshit.

 

He never wanted the same things as me but it was easier to let me think those things would come (and lie to my face  – even went ring shopping) than to just tell it to me straight.

 

I left him and have never been happier. Now with someone who does actually want the same as me and I am pretty sure he won’t be stringing me along. All the best xxx

Post # 22
Member
11381 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He sounds manipulative & downright cruel at times.

Op, you said you feel like you’re losing yourself.  That says it all for me.

Post # 23
Member
42 posts
Newbee

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. 

To be honest, I think you guys are just not compatible. And I really don’t think he has intentions of marrying you. And to be honest again, I think that might be for the best for you.

 

Post # 24
Member
505 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
ZenBeeNine:  Sounds like emotional and mental abuse. He gets to have his cake and eat it too!!! He gets to have everything the way he wants when he wants and how he wants it because you allow it and when he thinks your sticking up for yourself he just gives a few tears says a few words you want to hear and all is well in his life again. I think You need to take a break and focus on yourself an who you are, while your doing this and getting healthy again if he truly wants to be with you, hell come back and marrige will be on the table. If its not dont take him back and if he dosnt come back well thats ok too because that saves you from missing out on your real true love. Lets face facts if you wait much longer and family (Biological) will not be possible soon for you! How heartbreaking would that be that you waited so long your not married and your cheated out of having kids? I know its hard and not what you want to hear hun, but Ive been here and walking out was the best thing I did. Im now engaged to be married to my best friend thru all the crap I went thru. If I would of stuck with the man who pulled what your going thru I wouldnt be with a man who thinks Im his queen and treats me the way I deserve!!!!

Post # 25
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee

I just read this after reading your newer post. Ih, honey! 

You did the right thing. Keep your chin up! 

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