(Closed) I feel broken.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8354 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

From what you have stated, you did the right thing. I wouldn’t trust him either. He has good intensions, but doesn’t follow through. It would seem that he has some growing up to do and has to learn how to bail himself out of his messes, instead of having somone else (you) do it for him.

Post # 4
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think the biggest issue might be where is that money going? And personally I COULDNT marry someone who lies about money and or doesnt pay bills on time. I was brought up that you pay bills before you do ANYTHING with paychecks/ money

Post # 5
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

Whoa, this is a major situation.  I think he needs to see a financial advisor and a therapist about why he isn’t telling you the truth.  There are low cost, if not free, financial advisors out there.  If you aren’t able to commit to him 100% and take the bad with the good, then well you know what you should do.  If he’s not able to tell you the truth, then he’s not giving himself 100%.  It’s hurts and it sucks, but it’s both decisions.  I’m so sorry.

Good luck

Post # 6
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh hun I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I can only imagine how devastating it would be to learn that your FI has been lying to you about this. I’m wondering if you’ve had a talk with him about WHERE the money is going. Does he have a job? Loans? Credit card debt? Or is he just spending money frivilously? Either way, he should have talked to you before you recieved an eviction notice! I think you made a good decision to entertain the posibility of postponing or cancelling the wedding. You want the person you’re with to make good financial decisions and it’s not fair for you to have to be paying for the wedding and making sure he’s paying his rent on time.

I hesitate to write anymore until I know WHY he doesn’t have the money. ****Hugs*** during this difficult time.

Post # 7
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I know this must absolutely suck, but I would call the wedding off.  You can’t spend the rest of your life with a man who can’t even figure out how to pay the rent on time.  You just can’t.  You won’t be happy, and you’ll never be able to trust him with money. 

Btw, does he have a job and he’s blowing the money on other expensive things rather than paying the rent?  …or are finances really tight for him for other reasons? 

I think you have to walk away.  Maybe if he can pull himself together in the future with the help of some therapy and financial advising, then there is hope for you guys.  But I wouldn’t count on it.  He has already done this to you twice.  Chances are, he will do it again.  I’m really sorry that you’re going through this!

Post # 8
Member
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh my goodness.  I’d feel the same way and I think you did the right thing for sure!  Canceling the wedding will not destroy you.  I think it’s the smartest move and also moving out for sure!  You bailed him out big time once and that’s huge.  Honestly, for me, I couldn’t marry someone ever who mistreats money like that but I agree with some of the other posters—where was the money going you gave him and such?!

Post # 9
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

He should be able to come to his Fiance about having trouble even if it hurts his pride.  Given that you asked him, he could have said something.

Is he scared of disappointing you?

Post # 10
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Wow.  What a mess he’s created. 

I don’t think I would make your wedding depend on whether or not he can get the money.  It occurs to me that the biggest problem here is that he LIED to you about it for months!  He can’t fix that by paying the bills.  (He needs to do that anyhow, as a responsible human being!) 

If this was the first time he had done this, I would encourage you to work with him to resolve it, and forgive him.  But this is the second time.  That’s a BIG deal.  You might consider whether or not you can trust him at all, regardless of the money he comes up with (or not).  Then, given that, I would consider if you want to marry him, knowing this about him.  This would be tantamount to cheating in my book.  Not once, but twice. 

Post # 11
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

It’s one thing if he can’t get the money for rent on a regular basis, but quite another if he hides it from you, especially since it has and will continue to affect you financially. What has he been doing with your $? And why hasn’t he been upfront with you regarding this problem? You need to get to teh bottom of these two issues before marrying him.

Post # 12
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I hate to stick up for a liar, but maybe he was just embaressed. Some men really feel the need to support their wife, and maybe he felt ashamed that he wasn’t able to do that so he kept it from you. He may have hoped that he could fix the problem without worrying you.

Was it right for him to do this? No. Does it mean that he did it vindictivly and will lie to you about other things, maybe not. You know him better than we do, so cool down and decide if you know the real reason he lied.

Post # 13
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

There are two issues here that I would think need to be resolved before getting married.  1 – his financial irresponsibility.  You need to be able to trust that he’s not going to screw up your joint finances.  2 – his lack of trust in you.  Money may be tight, but if he can’t talk to you about it, that’s (to me) even worse.  Marriage needs to be founded on mutual trust.

Honestly, in your shoes, I would not marry him without some SERIOUS counseling.  Even if he commits to working on it, it seems like the issues here are more than can be fixed between now and your wedding.

Post # 15
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I agree that he probably WAS embarassed, but which is more embarassing? Telling your FI that w/out hours, it’ll be hard for him to pay that month and will need more of a contribution? Or telling your FI that you’re now 5K in debt and are being sued and your credit score went down exponentially? I think that is way more embarassing, personally. She was asking repeatedly and gave him many chances to come forward to figure out a solution, but he kept lying. That is just not trustworthy, but isn’t the end of the world. It just has to be COMPLETELY resolved before they can move forward..

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