- 7 years ago
- Wedding: March 2011
First, let me say I am sorry if this comes out disjointed and self loathing…but that is where I am right now.
As many of you know Darling Husband and I have been seriously TTC since the begining of the year. We have been NTNT for much longer.
We recently saw my OBGYN for bloodwork. She helped reassure us that she would get to the reason why we weren’t getting pregnant.
And now, with my test results in my inbox, we may have our reason.
My AMH level came back at .30 I am devistated.
For those who don’t know what AMH is or what it should be: AMH stands for anti-mullerian hormone, it is a good indicator of how many eggs you have left. Based on my number my ovarian reserve is very low. Normal is at least 1.0
Since you are born with the only eggs you will ever have this means that no matter what I do, I can’t make that number go up.
With this number comes the very real and very painful reality that I am most likely never going to have a biological child. IUI and IVF are not great choices because simply put, I don’t have enough eggs. The two options I am really left with are adoption and egg donation.
I am going in for my FSH test on day three just to confirm this number. I expect that number to be high, thus confirming my biological clock is no longer sounding the alarm, it has almost run out of batteries.
I can’t stop crying, I just can’t. I don’t understand why. I am a healthy weight, I am only 32. I take care of my body and I have dreamed of being a mother my entire life. I just don’t know how to move forward at this point. All I can think of is that I may never get the chance to look at my child and say he or she has my nose, or acts like me. I will most likely never be able to give my husband a child that is ours. Yes, I can have an egg donor (if we can afford it) and we can adopt (again if we can afford it). I know this. But right now none of that is comforting to me. (enter self loathing) I’m just broken and I am not even certain this is my fate I can’t understand why I even have to face this reality. What did I do wrong, why. How am I supposed to trudge through life knowing that I am broken. How am I supposed to act normal. How do I accept that this is most likely my reality?
I know it’s not over until a doctor says it’s over, but (pardon my french) shit just got real shitty with those test results. I am no longer wondering why I haven’t gotten pregnant, odds are, I never will be.