(Closed) I feel disappointed with my engagement ring

posted 9 years ago in Rings
Post # 92
Member
742 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@starla:  Took the words right out of my mouth. When the press said to Katherine “oh aren’t you lucky to be marrying prince William” she said “and HE is lucky to be marrying ME” – good for her too. It doesn’t matter if you’re marrying a prince or a postman you are both lucky to have a good relationship. If you ask me this couples 12 year relationship says more and is worth more than one party asking another to sign a piece of paper with them. 

When my fiance proposed I don’t think “he’s offering me forever” because it’s not about HIM it’s about US. US agreeing to get married was an extra commitment together but in a world where marriage didn’t exist I don’t think our forever would be affected. 

 

Post # 94
Member
4634 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I love when stories have happy endings. and

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@Anardana:  wasn’t that response from Kate just classic! power to her!

Post # 95
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m gonna be blunt from my heart, here.

I understand all of the replies concerning your fiance- about how rude & inconsiderate it is to be putting the ring back in the box, and HIS feelings and all,  but the thing that makes me feel you’re justified is twelve years… Think about all of YOUR feelings that YOU invested into twelve years. 

That’s fine. Everyone is different- different tastes, different budgets, different incomes, & different paces at which relationships move along… But ladies, listen to her & think about it– 12 years is DAMN ENOUGH TIME to listen to a woman’s tastes concerning a ring, to save up a decent amount of money for the ring instead of penny pinching, but most of all, this woman has remained at your side for 12 YEARS. That kind of patience takes a queen, now put a ring that finger like she is one! Honey, I’m not gonna lie, I’d be pissed, too.

Forgive me, I know I may sound overly aggressive or “girl power”ish, but honestly. He’s a fully grown man, & I know this may sound materialistic as well, but you guys obviously aren’t a couple fresh out of highschool on minimum wage. You yourself told him you didn’t care about much else, just the size of the stone. Some women want gold, others, platinum, complex designs, a big rock & the whole shabang. But all you requested was a stone that you don’t need a magnifying glass to see.  Now I’m all onboard with “It’s his reflection of his love for you,” and, “I’ll love whatever he gives me.” I totally agree, that’s the way it should be approached- be proud of whatever you’ve got. BUT, the fact is, you’re going to be wearing this ring for the rest of your life, a big chunk of which you’ve already given to him. My point is this: there’s no need to be a stinge after TWELVE YEARS.

Alright… That being said. Some suggested pointers: 1, The mom will not control your lives. Pretend she doesn’t exist concerning your wedding. That’s your day, not hers. 2, He loves you enough that he gave you a ring. So what I’d do is put the ring back on your finger… agree with his offering of love & committment. He needs to see you’re being as rational as you can about this. Then, sit down & have a heart-to-heart with him… Don’t be whiny or pushy or bitchy. Show him with your voice & your words you love him but be honest. “Hon, I love you with my whole heart. You know that. I’ve been by your side for twelve years, now… But as much as I hate to say this, I feel like this isn’t fair. I feel like this stone cheats us both out, because it doesn’t represent either of us… All I’m asking is that we exchange the diamond or change the ring.” 

Be honest, be loving, see from both sides. But remember, you’re a part of this relationship, too. 

Post # 96
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@Glasgow777:  

This was really well put!  I agree 100%. To want a larger stone isn’t materialistic. It’s what you want. There are so few times in our lives when wwe get what we want, must we really compromise on the ring we will wear forever also? I know we all can’t have 5ct diamond rings, but within reasons we all should get what we want. In no way would I ever dream of telling my fiance “no” when he picks his wedding band out-no matter which one he choses. (I assume you will treat your Fiance the same- and you deserve the same treatment).

I think it’s great you are wearing the ring again, but I can understand why you took it off in the first place. It’s like saying that everything is ok with you and it will do. I think you should make a compromise. Maybe have a new setting made with that stone if it is important to you to keep the one he proposed with. Compromise that your wedding band will be understated if your e-ring is something more of your taste? There are some options here, but what would be totally unfair is if he refuses to discuss these options with you. If this is what makes you happy, and you have been there for 12 years- it’s kind of the least he could do (if you ask me!) Whatever you decide to do I hope you stand up for yourself, but in a way that won’t hurt your FI’s feelings. You deserve to be happy.

Post # 97
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Garden

For me, the e-ring was more thna just a symbol of committment. It showed me that my FH really gets me. He found something that was perfect for me, reflects my personality and is suited to my tastes. He picked something that he knew I would love and he made sure he understood what I liked. I never had a “dream ring” and I never really put much importance on the ring when I knew he was picking it out. But as someone who moved quite a distance away from my family, it was really special to be able to show them the ring he picked for me and for them to be able to see that he so obviously knows me and understands me.

The ring is so much more than a symbol for the proposal. It makes me so angry when women belittle other women because they don’t “prioritise things in the right order”. Of course our marriage is our number one priority, and of course we understand that things like the ring and the ceremony are little things. But they’re outward symbols of a relationship and there’s only so many chances you get to share your happiness with the people who love you. All of these things are important. They’re traditions for a reason.

OP I really do feel your pain. I hope the two of you can come to a resolution.

Post # 98
Member
1139 posts
Bumble bee

Glasgow777 +1. well said.

 I would be annoyed after 12 years. 

Your ring is beautiful, but if it’s not what you envisioned, it’s just not what you envisioned. I bet an enhancer or halo will take care of it. 

I am glad you decided to put it back on your finger as I can see that hurting your Fiance feelings a lot.

Wishing you the best. I hope you can figure out something so you can move on from the ring situation and be able to enjoy your engagement with your Fiance. xoxo

Post # 99
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I find it truly disconcerting whenever I come across another instance of a woman being disappointed with her ring. I have spoken with my fiancee in great detail about this, but she takes my comments to mean I don’t want to marry her. “What comments”, you might ask. Well, after being pressed many times on what kind of ring I would like, I genuinely didn’t have an answer for her. I don’t have some diabolical hatred for rings or anything, but I’ve just never worn any jewelry of any sort. I’ve just never seen the point. If you think about it, what is the purpose of any sort of jewelry? Is it so you will feel pretty or that others will think you are pretty or be impressed by the apparent monetary investment that precipitated your current adornment? Let’s take engagement rings in particular, a subject matter that both saddens me and fills me with frustration and even some anger. My fiancee is/was/is – obsessed with her ring choice. Basically, I will wear a wedding band if it makes her happy. That, however, was not good enough. I had to want to have one or else…well, just instert a bridezillish continuation here. Over the next days and weeks, I calmy engaged her in conversations about the reasons behind her wanting a nice ring. She didn’t come out and say it, but, as seems to be the case far and wide, the more expensive, the better. My fiancee, as most women and not a few men, suffer from various instances of low self esteem, unworthiness, and paranoia (in the sense that those around her are judging her). One of the things I asked her is: “Why do you care? Why do you want to play their game? If your ring is smaller or less expensive, there is ostensibly a judgment (manifested in varying degrees of overtness, from outright to nonexistent, at least on the surface.) Ok, fine. But what is this judgement based on? What makes a ring inferior to another. By and large it seems to be price, the size of the diamond, etc. I just find it genuinely disheartening that women do this to one another. It’s just a encrypted way of saying “I’m better than you because I (or my fiance) has more money than you. Now, understand, I’m fully aware that these conversations rarely occur out loud at that “special” moment of the showing off of the ring. How did we as a society get sucked into this bullshit? I grew up very poor, and felt a ubiquitous aura of indadequacy and inferiority – because I didn’t have fancy shoes, and my clothes were either hand me downs or purchsed from walmart. Then there was the standing in line for lunch, and at the school I went to, if your family made below a certain amount, you qualified for free lunch. Fine. Except that everyone in the line could see that you weren’t paying for your lunch, and you would be pegged as poor, and unworthy of anything but scorn or, if you were lucky, indifference.

I could go on and on about how I was conditioned – trained – to know that I was not as good as everyone else as a direct result of our shitty car, my cheap clothes and shoes, my free lunches – and anything else that involved money. Read again – I KNEW I was inferior. I didn’t just get sad because someone was rude and made me “feel” inferior. I “knew” that they were right, and I accepted it. I won’t get into the long, and almost certainly tedious details about how I began to steadily 1. Become aware of this, 2. Reject (or, for the beginner, question, or don’t swallow whole) the paradigm in which one is inferior due to lack of an external manifestation of wealth. 3. Refuse to acknowledge or be emotionally affected by scorn or judgement (be it overt or subtle) directed your way by those whose ideologies are based on shallow, flawed, irrelevant, igornant, or arbitrary worldviews that they were fed by family, friends, society, or of course, the media. There is generally little to no examination of their views, or if there is such emamination, they don’t understand or have the courage to ask how they came to have the views or beliefs they do. I will get back to rings after “#4” in my disjointed recounting of my verbal couching of the major landmarks I perceived as inherent and inevitable in my own fortunate escape from those essentially scripted behavioural and coginitive response defaults.  I share with you the most important question that began to permeate the majority of my thought sessions. Indeed, this question became far more than just present. It became an absolute necessity, something unthinkable to devalue – which became a virtual nonissue as this uncomfortable question took on a life of its own, and, regardless of the apparent obviousness of x y or z, the question would go on the attack. The general form of the question, when applied to onself (which is where it should start). It may sound innocous, but it has the potential to knock you on your ass if you are able to hear the question (whether posed by yourself – which is ideal – or by someone else, a text you read, etc.) Now, a lot of people will give stock answers they have also been conditioned to use as a makeshift defense or answers they have been fed, trained in, and feel such confidence that no questioning of the sentiment in question is considerend necessary  – in fact (this happens a lot in churches) – it is frowned upon. I know I waxed a bit wordy for #3, but I wanted the reader, should he/she decide to give this asking yourself why you believe X Y or Z a genuine shot, to understand exactly what that entails. Stock answers or shallow responses will get you nowhere, except perhaps an illfounded sense of confidence in your ability to be open minded and honest with yourself. 

I know I promised to get to rings, so let me move to #4 in my voyage toward insanity and/or peace. Let me briefly (I promise this time) warn you that #4 may not be for you, and that it is not precisely necessary. But it’s almost as much fun as throwing rocks at senior citizenz. 4. When given the opportunity, that is, finding myself in a situation where value or worth is understood in terms of wealth or possessions (these occasions abound, obviously, though as we get older they don’t necessarily become fewer in number; nonsense, they increase, yet are concealed by labyrinthine webs of rationalization, justification, and well, just plain bullshit). Anyway, when I find myself in a situation where I can do the opposite of what is considered indicative of wealth, popularity, desireability, any of those things that people want…The key here is not to let on that you are doing it on purpose. Self deprecation with a straight face. Let it slip in front of a group of girls that you have a small penis even if it is not. Say something that no “right minded” person would admit to. I don’t recommend #4 for everyone, but I think it can be a freeing experience.

Ok, so, you probably have a decent idea of what I might say about engagement rings or what society tells us we should spend. I’m just going to make some comments in no particular order, because I have to go pee in the shower (raise your hand if your view of situational acceptability was adversly jostled). I have come to understand the value of a symbol to let the outside world know that you are in a committed relationship, and the most common form in use today is a ring. So, ok, I’ll wear a ring. I’m not a big fan of jewelry, and you will certainly never see me spending any unnecessary money on it. I challenge you to disprove my assertion that jewelry is worn so that other people will see it. Why? So they will think good things about you? Why? Because we are selfish…rather, self concerned. I know, many people will say, “No, I just wear this because it makes me feel pretty.” Listen to what you are saying. What is it that makes you “feel pretty”? It necessarily derives from other people viewing you in a favorable light, which in turn, benefits you emotionally/psychologically. Same thing with clothes. I mean there are variations and continuums could be brought into play for more specific delineation of the variegated levels of awareness both by self by self and self by others and of others of self by self. Sure.

Anyway, my little one is making noise – I must needs go see to him. I just felt like writing. Seriously though, I hate the idea of engagement rings. What a disgusting dynamic it perpetuates amongst women, not to mention the fact that it exacerbates the already mind-numbing simplicity of the “I-man-I-like-woman-I get-her-shiny-thing.” mentality that permeates the knuckle draggers and the vain women they marginalize while believing they are being magnanimous. As for the women who expect, demand, or even hope for expensive rings and openly or secretly judge, gossip about, or demean other women who either didn’t have a knuckle dragger, or her dragger didn’t make enough money, or, god forbid, couldn’t care less what others thought of her ring, so either bought a cheap one or not at all – invite cheap/no ring girl to lunch. Don’t worry, she wouldn’t think you were trying to show her up money wise.

 

Last word for you women: Whether it be rings or clothes, or hell, facebook pages (the way everybody seems addicted to them). Stop judging one another. It’s very popular for women to talk about women’s issues nowadays, but they still want to live in a patriarchal society. Why don’t you by your fiance a ring? Oh, you don’t have two months salary? Or is it three?Anyway, rings are arbitrary. Why don’t we have marriage necklaces? The ring is not necessary for the marriage. Society (say custom/tradition if you like, but those are just slither words to try to give yourself more credibility that you actually possess). Yeah I said it. Slither words.

 

I gotta get outta here.

Post # 100
Member
911 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@gimelnus:  I think I love you!

Post # 101
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

The good news is, your ring is beautiful. The bad news is, it wasn’t/isn’t beautiful to you. I am digusted by the comments saying that you should just suck it up, put your ring on and deal because you were “lucky” enough to be proposed to. As if the Marriage is more important than your happiness.

1. I’m glad you put the ring back on even if I don’t support the shut up and deal comments. It shows that you are willing to compromise and communicate… as long as you don’t settle for less than what you are happy with.

2. If this was a purchase that he made with money that you both earned, this is not a him decision, whether to switch stones is a we decision.

3. I can’t terribly hate on him for messing up. Which leads me to my own situation…

I’m not even engaged yet! But. My boyfriend and myself have discussed marriage. He doesn’t want to get engaged until we’ve lived together for at least a year, which is, in my eyes, totally understandable. I’m not ready to move in with him so that day is still a ways off. However, I have been very clear with my boyfriend about the ring I want. Absolutely in-no-uncertain-terms clear. Two+ carat round cut center stone, tapered baguettes, thin platinum band. This is so important to me I will even be happy to “settle” for a Moissey. I’ve even given him prong detail instructions because I’m not satisfied with the prongs I’ve seen online. Now, when we discussed this I asked him for his thoughts/reaction. He said that he was accustomed to women wanting to be surprised by their ring. I told him I’d rather be surprised by the proposal and receive the ring that makes me feel like a princess. My boyfriend, by his own admission, is not skilled at romantic things so I didn’t want to risk hurt feelings by being vague about my preferences concerning an accessory that I will be wearing FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I feel like the people who keep telling you to be happy with what you get because you have the Honor of becoming his Wife don’t understand that this is something that is permanent. You will be buried with this ring on. I’m not the sort of person who wears rings for fashion so this and my thin platinum band will be the only rings I have on ever. (I don’t have long graceful fingers so rings just make them look shorter.)

My boyfriend has since shown his enthusiasm about someday getting me the ring I want. In his words, “your happiness is most important.” I think you were justified in feeling like you needed a break from the ring because of the negative emotions it was inspiring. When I look at my left hand and imagine my ring on it, when I see images of similar rings, like this, this, this, this, and this, I know I am lighting up. When I see those rings I know my own will represent the love I have with a man who only wants to make me happy because he has demonstrated through this gift that my tastes and desires dictate what goes on my body and that he is happy to make efforts to show that he values my opinion.

4. You can tell everyone who is hating on you for being conscious of what you want from your engagement ring to go fly a kite. There are engagement rings out there that I think are ostentatious and HIDEOUS. I mean, I think they are just atrocities and I physically wince when I see them because I can’t believe someone actually used such precious resources to create those abominations! But when it comes to other people’s engagement rings, what I think isn’t really important. What’s important is the feelings of the person who is wearing the ring. If their ring makes them feel happy and beautiful and valued, then they are wearing The. Perfect. Ring. Some people may want an engagement necklace, and that doesn’t make it any less special for not being a ring. Some people might think my future ring is totally boring and forgettable. What matters is what it makes me feel. There are a particular set of religious tattoos I want in an area that is easily seen by other people. I say screw those that think I am getting them because of how I will be judged by other people. I know the truth. I know my true feelings and I could give a donkey’s bottom about people who doubt me.

What are your true feelings? If the ring doesn’t make you feel happy, beautiful and valued then I have no compunction saying it is not good enough for you and I’d say the same to a person who received a five carat diamond and instead wanted a 1/2 carat. Screw the people who say what you want is shallow, frivolous, or unimportant simply because what you want is a cultural norm.

5. I want my comment to be useful so I will tell anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation to be HONEST. I will add this caveat: I, in your position, would not have told him right away. I would have told him before things like engagement photos but maybe telling him during the proposal moment is not the best idea. You can approach the situation as accepting him as a FH.  Later, be honest about your feelings and come to the table with solutions, not just complaints. Emphasize how happy you are to be getting married and that you want your ring to reflect what you feel. Approach it as a team issue, not a you-messed-up-so-now-it’s-your-issue. This was almost a year ago so I’d love to know how things turned out.

Post # 102
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2003

@Lily123:  So did you ever exchange your ring?  

Post # 103
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Honestly, the ring is a symbol, right? It’s a piece of jewelry given to you by the man you love. Right? So him buying you a ring you don’t love, or not even willign to ‘upgrade’ it and make you happy tells me something is off.

My husband knew I was a bit materialistic when he started dating me, and knew I wanted a decent size stone. He wasn’t making as much as he is now, but he proposed with a great diamond, but it was a little smaller than I would like, and what I had expressed would be “my dream ring.”After all ‘excitement’ of the proposal wore off, he said “I know you really want a big diamond, so if you don’t mind wearing this one for a few years, know I will upgrade it, I just didn’t want to wait until I could get you the size diamond you wanted” And what do ya know? Within a few years, we upgraded, and I have my dream ring.

And if you can read through that, it’s not about being materialistic and saying “he’s not good enough if he can’t get me a big rock” it’s that my husband/then fiance is willing to go out of his way to make me happy, and to me, that symbolizes more in a relationship than anything else. He accepts my likes/tastes and chooses to embrace them. 

That’s what this is ultimately about. It’s not about the ring, it’s about the fact your fiance is not willing to make you happy, and you feel sad because it is making you feel materialistic, but you shouldn’t be. You need to talk to him and make sure he understands why this ring is so important to you, and that you love him, and you want to look down everyday at that ring and feel joy. 

 

 

Post # 104
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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@fauxfaux:  

“I have been very clear with my boyfriend about the ring I want. Absolutely in-no-uncertain-terms clear. Two+ carat round cut center stone, tapered baguettes, thin platinum band. This is so important to me I will even be happy to “settle” for a Moissey. I’ve even given him prong detail instructions because I’m not satisfied with the prongs I’ve seen online.”

Fauxfaux,

Have you ever examined closely why you want this ring, yea, demand it? I’m not trying to be antagonistic, but just think with me for a moment logically. You desire ring X. It seems reasonable that there is a basis for this desire. In other words, you desire that particular ring based on a causal element (or more likely, something more complex, like a causal pyramid). You have provided an emotional apologetic or defense for why you desire ring X:

When I see those rings I know my own will represent the love I have with a man who only wants to make me happy because he has demonstrated through this gift that my tastes and desires dictate what goes on my body and that he is happy to make efforts to show that he values my opinion.”

Again, hopefully not being too “snarky”, the above paragraph is bursting with what seem to be rather dogmatic parameters of your worldview regarding this issue (your desire for ring X). What I see are myriad unquestioned, unexamined assumptions (or beliefs, or “building blocks” of what forms the causes which lead you to desire ring X). Nonetheless, let’s just keep it simple. Your statement is basically a belief, a sentiment you hold to be true, and which as a foundation that appears beyond question (for you). Taking the paragraph as a whole, why do you believe that? Why do you feel that way, hold that sentiment? What I’m looking for is not more defense or argumentation/apologetic. That’s surface level. Level 1. Let’s drop down a level and try to figure out what information, experiences, stimuli, and other contingencies contributed to, and invariably dictated your paradigm with regard to this small issue of the desiring of ring X. Now, this is not an easy thing to do, but people generally do a little of it during their lives, questioning certain things that are convenient or that trouble them to the point that they are forced to confront the environmental stimuli that precipitated a certain behavior, quirk, manner of speech, preference, etc. Some things, though, we just can’t bring ourselves to examine. It takes us out of our comfort zones. Socrates said “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Fortunately, with science, reexamination of supposed truth or alleged science was championed by such great men as Galileo and more recently, Thomas Kuhn. Now, constant reevaluation of why you believe what you believe leads to a miserable life, but the only alternative is to no longer question whether or not your belief/position could be wrong. We are severely limited creatures with regard to knowledge and experience. To have believed a thing is to have ceased consideration of the possiblity of that thing not being true. 

That being said, I wouldn’t want anyone to be miserable or insane, like someone I used to know. Wait, that was me. I don’t expect anyone to constantly reexamine the very foundations of their belief systems, personalities, behaviors, everthing about who they are. 

“To find out what is truly individual in ourselves, profound reflection is needed; and suddenly we realize how uncommonly difficult the discovery of individuality is.” 
― C.G. Jung

Notwithstanding, I think it’s not too much to ask to examine SOME things in our worldviews, indeed, as much as one can stand without destroying themselves. I think desiring Ring X should be a fairly safe start, but if you are thorough and follow the causal elements, and determine what they themselves are based on and so forth, it can be, frightening. The central element of what I am uncomfortable with with in your writing regarding this ring you desire is the dogmatism that is inherent in the reasoning and justification for why it is just and proper for you to hold that perspective.

If you will allow another quote:

‘“It’s a fact—everyone is ignorant in some way or another.

Ignorance is our deepest secret.

And it is one of the scariest things out there, because those of us who are most ignorant are also the ones who often don’t know it or don’t want to admit it.

Here is a quick test:

If you have never changed your mind about some fundamental tenet of your belief, if you have never questioned the basics, and if you have no wish to do so, then you are likely ignorant.

Before it is too late, go out there and find someone who, in your opinion, believes, assumes, or considers certain things very strongly and very differently from you, and just have a basic honest conversation.

It will do both of you good.”’
― Vera NazarianThe Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration


Bah, one last one, because this really applies to you. Also, I will not deconstruct your subjective truisms, I will leave that for you, for it would do no good coming from me.

‘”Being happy is easy. Easy until you start believing that happiness is tied to a relationship, a job, your income, a product you buy, fame, a status, or any of a number of things that you don’t currently have in your possession. Being happy is easy, as long as you understand everything you need to be happy exist in you already. You just have to stop looking out and start looking in to find it.”’ 
― Sean King

 

Have a great day, and may the forces of evil become lost on the way to your house.

 

J

Post # 105
Member
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I find it very sad that the size of a stone has you so saddened.  Basically, you would be happy if he had bought you an 80 dollar ring at Nordstrom that looked like a diamond but was some fake material. At least that’s the way your comment about size over quality comes across. 

I have a .5 carat, and I am a lawyer and wear it proudly.  I am exposed to people with expensive stuff (ranging from massive stones to BMWs, Mercedes, and Audis) and I still wear my .5 carat proudly.  By putting the ring back in the box you are blatantly disregarding his feelings.  The truth is you should have had NO expectations as to what he was going to get you. 

I just do not get why some women get caught up in this whole thing.  Honestly, this is just a representation of how detached our society is from real problems.  The fact that someone can be soooo saddened by a stone is just incredible.

Post # 106
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@AngelR88:  I think it’s more than that. I think it’s his lack of unwillingness to make her happy.  Who’s to say a woman’s ring can’t be important to her? Who’s to say the size of it shouldn’t be important?

 

Real problem or not, it’s a real problem to her, and instead of berating her, we should support her and say, “get what you want, you only live once!” It’s wonderful you are proud of your diamond, and the OP wants to be proud of hers as well. 

 

Let’s stop beating other woman down, and start lifting them up. We don’t know the in’s and out’s of their relationship, we just know she’s unhappy, and life is too short to be unhappy.

 

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