Post # 16
Let’s unpack your post because there’s a lot in there:
1. Stop saying you don’t want kids. As you explain the situation, you DO want kids. You are just planning to adopt them. Nothing wrong with that!! It’s really weird that you kept using the phrase “don’t want kids”…unless you don’t??
2. You don’t owe anyone – including either of your families- an explanation for why you adopt vs have bio kids. Let them assume whatever they want but as long as you and your Fiance are on the same page that’s all that matters. Just stop talking about it for goodness sake and you’ll avoid all these unwanted comments from coworkers, friends, family etc.
3. Genetics are only half the battle in nature vs nurture. Your husband’s kindness and sensitivity will absolutely influence your adopted children in a HUGE way. Green eyes or congenital heart defects are inherited traits; kindness and a hard work ethic are learned behaviors. Stop selling you and your Fiance short. Parenting is parenting no matter who birthed the kids!!
4. Your wedding isn’t “the end”, nor should you feel that way. I’m going to a baby shower for a dear friend who just adopted later this month. We are thrilled to shower this VERY wanted baby girl with clothes, toys, baby gear, etc. No different than any other friend who’s had a baby!
Post # 17
styjen : I always assumed it wasn’t a possibility because I was afraid of getting my hopes up. I also can’t imagine what kind of judgemental things people would have to say. I was going to start a thread about surrogates but I feel out of place among bees with physical fertility issues
Post # 18
Thank you to all the bees with such kind words : ) I did read each of your replies. I agree that I need to change the phraseology “don’t want kids”. I’ve talked about that before with a therapist actually. I think I’m very defensive about not getting pregnancy and it affects the way I communicate (I lived with an ex who was not a good person anyway but at one point after 1.5 years or so he said “you weren’t serious about that, were you?”). I know I do have some more to unpack about that.
Id love to look into surrogacy but I don’t know how prohibitively expensive it would be.
And to the PP who said I need to rethink what I want- I do respect your opinion and I hear you. I didn’t mean to imply that I think adopting a baby will disappoint anybody. I meant that the ideas that other people have imposed on me are coloring my perception.
Post # 19
dgirl715 : +10000. Yes, this!
OP~ sounds to me like you DO want children…and how they come to you is irrelevant. You are still a parent if you give birth or adopt or foster and it IS the same. I also think it’s wonderful to offer a home to a child that is already here and who needs a family. This is a calling, I think, and something to be proud of. I agree with the other posters. Phrase it positively because that is absolutely what it is.
Also, whether you give birth physically or whether you adopt, it’s still a crap shoot. You could still have a child with a disability, even if there is no family history on either side. He/she may not be smart or beautiful or whatever…. but they are no more or no less your baby and you still love them, regardless. You just cant control these things and you have to be prepared for whatever comes your way. So, really, this is no different that adoption. I have 2 biological children and my dd was painfully shy when she was small. I had to learn how to parent a shy kid and it wasn’t easy bc I’m not shy and never have been.
Also, ignore other people and their dumb perceptions! You have every right to approach motherhood in whatever way you feel works for you…. and dont feel a need to justify it to others. Just say that you are planning to adopt and that’s what you’ve always wanted. Make sure your baby knows that she was very much wanted and that you chose her!
You got this, bee!
Post # 20
Well, you say your Fiance phrased it by saying you don’t want kids but you plan to adopt, which makes zero sense. No wonder your friends thought it was weird.
Post # 21
Don’t let fear stop you from doing what you want to do.
If you want to adopt and you’re afraid people will judge you for it or whatever, don’t let that stop you from doing it. If you want to explore surrogacy options and you’re worried about it, again don’t let that stop you. And if any part of you wants to be pregnant and have your own child but you have a lot of fear surrounding it, then again don’t let that stop you (maybe therapy could help with that).
I think the first step is to know what you truly want and what’s right for you, and to ask yourself if fear is clouding your vision and confusing you. Once you get rid of the fear you’ll have your answers and you’ll feel totally confident about your choice without needing to explain or defend it to anyone.
It also might be helpful to talk to parents who have adopted and the challenges they’ve faced and parents who have had children. Personally I didn’t find pregnancy that difficult at all, quite the opposite, and my body bounced right back after giving birth, but I know it’s not the same for everyone.
Post # 22
MeandYou : I am confused by your comments. Don’t you have to be prepared for the child you give birth to as well? ((Absolutely. The ‘genetic lottery’ comment that someone else didn’t know what I was getting at tried to emphasise that often not much is known about parents’ backgrounds health wise or otherwise. Familial history of diseases/mental health problems etc. For example, a drug addict could have multiple partners, become pregnant, father is absent/ disappears and adopts the child out. The father, of the child is an unknown entity with social services not knowing his medical/ personal circumstances.))
Or, are you convinced your children will have zero problems and will come out perfect? ((Absolutely not but if you know that partner A has a potentially inheritable disease this can be planned for. And I think you need to be real about the situations some children find themselves in which explains why those that foster and adopt have children that can be severely damaged. To reiterate, not all have the severe emotional baggage that I’ve been told so much about.))
Also, you have heard adoptive parents say they wish they did not have their children??? ((They would not adopt again))
Because that to me is quite a horrible thing to say. ((you don’t know their circumstances I’m afraid.))
Like I said previously, adopting/fostering is extremely noble and I admit I couldn’t do it. I have great respect for those that do.
Post # 23
megrays : I’m adopted (and an only child) and there is nothing that would indicate I’m not my parents’ child other than genetics. I have caught some mannerisms from them, and hold the same values as them, etc, because they adopted me at 3 days old and I’ve never known anything else my entire life. I love them more than anything even if they’re not my biological parents, but they are my PARENTS. I couldn’t care less about finding my birth mom. It’s a great thing to do, adopting/fostering. There are kids out there who need that help and you can be the one to give it if that’s what you choose. 🙂
Post # 24
plannerbear520 : : ) I was happy to see this on a Monday morning! I might have questions for you in the future. I’m glad to hear your parents had a positive impact on you & im excited to have a positive impact on my baby
Post # 25
megrays : I can relate to your fear of being pregnant and labour. I think I’ve had tokophobia for as long as I can remember. Recently 4 of my male colleagues of a similar age to me have become fathers and I do feel jealous of them: I’d definitely have a biological child if I could do it like a father. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.
I’ve also always considered adoption and I’ve also had inane comments from people about this. Don’t listen to them. So many children are without a loving home and are just as deserving of an opportunity in life. If that’s the route you go down, full respect!
Post # 26
I felt the exact same way as you and was terrified of pregnancy/birth and even scared of getting my blood drawn but I decided to try to overcome it. Taking it one step at a time helped: first trimester, second, etc and modern medicine makes both PAINLESS… recovery sucked for 2 months but now that my baby is 4 months old I am 100% healed and feeling better than pre baby even! Plus I refused any unnecessary tests during pregnancy and my baby was fine. If the only reason you don’t want biological children is due to apprehension about pregnancy/birth, if you change your mind you may surprise yourself and end up very proud of yourself for overcoming this fear!
Post # 27
megrays : There is no one ‘right’ way to have a family. I gave birth to three children and will have three step children I did not birth and did not raise and love as my own. I have friends who have chosen to adopt instead of having children, though they could. I have friends who have gone through IVF and surrogacy to have children with donated eggs or sperm.
You do not need to explain yourself or apologize to anyone for your choices. There are so many children in need of loving homes…
Post # 28
No. Please watch this video.
Post # 29
Life is a crapshoot, and if there is love in you and you make your life decisions using love combined with smarts you need never make excuses or apologies for what you decide.
One of my grandchildren has a fairly significant life challenge, and honestly, I love that child so much I literally forget most of the time which of the children has the challenge. Adopted or not, making a safe loving home for a child is the ultimate reason for parenting, and where that sweet child comes from is nobody’s business but yours.
Post # 30
If you are planning on adopting your fiance still will get the chance to be an amazing father and you can absolutely have a baby shower for an adopted child. Biological doesn’t make a difference.
That being said, the adoption process is very challenging, emotionally straining, and unbelievably expensive (I know people going through it). I’m currently 7 months pregnant with my first- and while I’m unbelievably excited about her being here, I really don’t love being pregnant. My heart feels adoption, however the cost is at least 30k. It would take us longer than we would like to wait to save up for it, and we don’t feel like we could provide for the child the way we want if we shell out that kind of money for the adoption process. I’m able to have kids, so I’m just keeping my eyes on the prize- my baby girl. 10 months really isn’t that long of a time. However everyone’s economical situation is different, my advice would be to start planning and saving for adoption sooner if it is something you are really serious about.
People will ask you about starting a family- that is just how people are. I always just said we will see, and now that we are expecting people are asking us how many we want, I just respond we are going see how one kid goes. You don’t have to decide your whole lifetime now (and it is silly to because like is so unpredicable)- there will always be those that expect you too, but that is just too bad for them (they can go plan their own life- lol)