Post # 1
Hey Bees! I’ve been a lurker in this forum for a few months now but I’ve finally decided to make an account and write up my first post. Some background: My boyfriend and I are in our early 30’s, have a wonderful relationship, and are both on the same page regarding marriage. We will actually be moving across the country either end of December or early January for a job opportunity he was presented with. He was willing to give up this opportunity if I wasn’t comfortable with moving across the country, but this is a great opportunity for him and I want to support him. He said that he knows how big of a move this would be and wanted to reassure me that he will propose. He’s a huge romantic and wants the proposal to be a surprise, so hasn’t told me WHEN it will be. I didn’t ask him either because I didn’t want to ruin the surprise.
This past weekend was my birthday and he surprised me with a weekend getaway trip! Part of me thought that he would propose to me on this trip, and this thought was further reinforced by my friends, who thought the same. When I came back from the trip, one friend said that she was waiting for my text all weekend because she thought for sure it would happen. It was a bit awkward… Another friend also texted me to ask if it happened. They were both surprised that he didn’t and it just added to me feeling a bit disappointed.
He can always tell when something is bothering me so last night he asked what was on my mind. I really didn’t want to tell him, but he’s the type of person who wants to resolve issues if he knows that something is wrong. I told him that I thought he was going to propose on our trip, and that I felt a little disappointed. He was really apologetic and I told him that he didn’t need to be sorry because he didn’t do anything wrong. He said that he’s going to propose before we move and that it will be very soon.
Now I feel guilty for making him feel bad for not proposing on the trip. What can I do to not feel disappointed when we go on a date or take a trip going forward? And how can I prevent myself from feeling down when my friends ask or make comments like that? Help!
Post # 2
I think it’s great that you told him how you felt bee – it’s never good to bottle these things inside, especially on matters that concern your future. And I don’t blame you AT ALL for wanting a proposal before you uproot your life and follow him across the country. I was in the exact same boat – 30 yrs old, bf got a job halfway across the country and wanted me to move with him. I told him that I’d love to go with him, but wasn’t comfortable uprooting my entire life without being engaged. He understood where I was coming from and ended up proposing a few months before the move, and we’ve now been happily married for 1.5 yrs.
Anyway, I was a bit skeptical throughout your post until I got to the part where you talked to him about your feelings and he said he will propose before the move, “very soon.” At this point, I think you need to just trust him (unless you have some reason to think he’s full of shit) and try not to get worked up about each specific date you go on that doesn’t turn out to be the proposal. In terms of the big picture – getting engaged before the move – you two appear to be on the same page, so that should give you peace of mind.
That being said, to me “very soon” would mean within a couple weeks max, especially since your move is coming up quickly in just about three months if I understood correctly. So yeah if another month passees with no progress I’d definitely be checking in with him. I would not be making concrete logistical plans to move until the engagement happened.
Post # 3
tiffanybruiser : He definitely doesn’t give me any reason to not trust him so I’ll try to not get worked up. And yes, I agree about not making logistical plans before the engagement, especially not telling my employer that I’m leaving until then. Thanks for the advice!
Post # 4
It sounds to me like you two have healthy communication going on.
You were honest with him about what was bugging you, but you made it about your feelings, not about any failing on his part. And instead of getting defensive he acknowledged those feelings and tried to comfort you with assurances that marriage is on the table.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the way you do/did, and you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Neither of you did anything wrong at all – you had feelings, you talked about them, and that’s that.
It sounds to me like you have a pretty solid foundation upon which to build your eventual marriage 🙂
Post # 5
I went through a lengthy and painful pre-engagement process, and comparatively speaking, your communication with your boyfriend seems much healthier than what I experienced with mine.
You have plans to move in a few months, and your boyfriend has told you he is going to propose. No one should fault you for expecting and anticipating a proposal any day now. You are allowed to be disappointed when you anticipate something and it doesn’t pan out. What’s important is that you were honest and straightforward with your boyfriend about these feelings, and he reacted with concern for your feelings rather than getting defensive.
IMO, you should not feel guilty for being disappointed. Your boyfriend has to accept the risk of anticipation and disappointment if he wants a surprise proposal with months worth of latitude in the timing. With any luck he may actually be responsive enough to take this situation as a sign to get a move on and avoid it happening again.
I agree though with the previous comments that “very soon” could mean anything really, so if your idea of “very soon” passes and he hasn’t proposed, then you should let him know that you are feeling that the two of you might not be on the same page in terms of the timeline and you just want to clear that up.
Post # 6
girlfriendphd : Thanks for your insight!
Post # 7
I was in a very similar situation a few weeks ago. I was disappointed and we chatted it out which ended with a “very soon”. It helped but what really helped was when I realized (with the help of other bees) that once we are engaged, we will always be engaged and the time we have before our engagement is just as special and worth focusing on. Not that being engaged would make it less special but it allowed me to enjoy the time I had without the stress of planning or in your case a big move!
So it sounds cliche but enjoy the moments you have now and you’ll see the proposal will follow “very soon”. I swear once I realized that he proposed (last week!)
Post # 8
he must be understanding of your anxiety as well. its kinda messed up he is leaving you hanging. i wouldnt know what the wait is for lol.
Post # 9
Everything other bees said mostly. I would absolutely not move across the country and uproot my life for a man I’m not legally tied to. That’s personal for me because I’ve worked too hard for what I have. However, it’s your situation and if you want marriage the first place to start is an engagement. He would need to for sure propose before the move for me to believe it. The waiting boards are the most daunting topics to me on here because it’s the same stories over and over and sadly a lot of bees end up unhappy or having to walk away. Please don’t be the bee that uproots your life by hanging on his word and then end up across the country with no engagement , no marriage in sight, and a boyfriend who all of a sudden doesn’t know what he wants. You will undoubtedly regret it. Be smart BEFORE that happens.
Post # 10
I think you both handled the situation very well. He should know how you are feeling and he was reassuring in return.
Post # 11
Don’t ever feel guilty about sharing your feelings with your partner. It is a vital component of a healthy relationship.
I know it is hard, but try to to envision every outing as “this is when it will happen” and just enjoy the outing or you will work yourself up into knots.
If he has never given you any reason not to trust him, then believe him. If nothing happens and the move is close then again, be really clear on how you feel and where you stand.
Post # 12
Girl, I hear you. After I embarked on this waiting process…(after our 3 year anniversary) every trip is gonna be slightly dissappointing without a proposal…dang…It’s draining me
Post # 13
Never feel guilty for wanting to know what is going on in your relationship. I am glad you spoke up and I am sure that was very hard to do. It is much easier to be passive agressive and silent than speak up when things bug you. Because that makes you feel vulnerable. But that separates the ok relationships from the great ones. I am working on that myself. The ability to own my feelings and tell my boyfriend about them even though it is so hard and makes me feel so vulnerable. So much easier to give him the silent treatment, but that doesn’t help anything. Good for you bee!
For now try to just find the excitement in not knowing when. Mentally each time you go to somewhere nice just try to not expect it, but just get excited about the process. Enjoy it! That is what I am trying to do.