Post # 1
As with my last post, I felt as though I should post under my alias.
I’ve been thinking about leaving my FH for several months now. FH is great and hasn’t done anything wrong, I just find myself feeling like I’m not really in this relationship anymore. We’ve been together for almost 2 years now and all of this happened rather suddenly. It was almost like I woke up one day and realized that my heart wasn’t in it anymore. I’ve tried thinking about why, but I can’t come up with any real reason. With my last boyfriend, I made up all sorts of reasons why I should break up with him and several months later, I ended up regretting it, which is one of the reasons why I’m not sure if I should end this relationship now or not. The other reason is what I mentioned in my last post; I feel like FH needs someone during this difficult time with his family. I know it’s not a reason to stay. Every time I think I’m ready to call it quits, I think about the fact that FH has been nothing but good to me and how much it would hurt him given his dating past.
I’ve talked with FH about doing more things and going more places with the thoughts that maybe I was just in a rut because I’ve been stuck at home almost every day for the last 4 months due to car trouble and being sick for about a month and several big household repairs and unexpected bills that drained my income and prevented me from doing much of anything. But despite the fact that we’ve gone and done things, I still feel the same way.
I don’t feel the way I used to when we kiss and most of the time that we spend together I feel like I’m hanging out with a friend instead of the man I’m supposed to be marrying.
I’m very stressed out about this and many other things right now. I don’t know who else to go to because I’m a very private person and I don’t tell my friends/family much about my personal life.
I’m stuck Bees and I need some advice, personal experiences, insight or anything you can share with me.
Post # 3
Sounds like you are in a bit of a funk and depression! Loosing your mobitlity, and freedom takes a toll on your sanity and self worth.
Im sure things will get better soon!
My only other thing that caught my eye, was that you have kind of been through this before with you past b/f- looking for reasons to break up. Is this a chronic habit issue ?
Post # 4
I think that you should speak with your FH. If you really do love him you won’t string him along. Maybe there is a lack of attention? Not everyday is like a fairy tale… good luck!
Post # 5
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, and I think it’s good that you’re aware of these feelings before going through with the wedding. I think it’s easy when you care about someone to try and stick by them for better or for worse, and at times that can lead to sacraficing what is good for you with the intention of not hurting their feelings.
It sounds like you’re trying to make justifications for the reason you’re feeling like you do (being stuck at home, being sick, etc) when it’s okay to realize that you may feel this way because your Fiance may not be the one for you. Two years is not necessarily a long time to really know somebody. I know there are couples who can really connect after two years, and that’s great for them. And for many, that may be just the beginning of a relationship.
I think for whatever reason you feel like your Fiance may not be the one for you, that may be how it is, and that’s okay. May not FEEL okay, though it seems like it’ll ultimately be more painful for you and him if you stay with him and marry him because you feel bad for him. That’s really not fair for either of you.
I hope that you’re able at some point to speak with him about your feelings, however far along the line you are (figuring things out all the way to deciding to break it off if that’s what you decide). I think at this point, what’ll be best is for you to be really honest with yourself, and consider what you feel like will be the best decision for you. Because ultimately, I think that’ll trickle down and be the best decision for both of you.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Post # 6
Take a break. You don’t have to break up or anything like that, but take a small break from seeing the other and spending time together. If you can stand all contact being taken away (email, texts, etc) that would be better. It may make you realize that you miss him terribly and it could prove to you that this is where you belong. Or you may realize that you don’t miss him and that other things in your life are more important to you than this relationship.
I did this is my previous relationship. I went on a girl vacation. It was enough to prove to me that it wasn’t the relationship that I belonged in. I met Darling Husband shortly after that. It was the wakeup call that I needed.
Post # 7
@mwitter80: I totally agree with this!
Post # 8
@Eva Peron: It’s not a chronic issue because I’ve only felt this way with two of my relationships. I dated my last boyfriend when I was 18 and years after breaking up with him I realized that all it boiled down to was he was ready to be committed (engaged) and while I thought about marrying him, I wasn’t ready at the time. Rather than actually telling him that and possibly staying in that relationship, just moving slower, I was scared, looked for reasons to break up with him and ran.
I do agree with you about losing my ability to do nothing but lay in my bed all day for a month (bronchitis, pink eye and a sinus infection all at one time), getting better and not having my car for several weeks after that and so on did put me in a rut. I’ve felt so much better. I’ve done some shopping, taken a mini vacation with girlfriends and felt amazing, everywhere except in my relationship.
@msrdsx82: We have talked, briefly. It’s hard for me to explain the problem when even I don’t really understand what’s wrong. There is plenty of attention, usually too much (which I have spoken with him about. I’m not a very “hands on” person so to say) I know that it can’t be a fairy tale, but at this point I’m not sure that I still wouldn’t feel this way if he did show up on a white horse…
Post # 9
Before you do anything go read this website and see if it resonates with you-
Have you ever been in a relationship past the point where the excitement/infatuation wears off?
Post # 10
At one point, you wanted to marry this man. A marriage includes ups and downs..and your relationship gets stronger by working through them. I suggest talking to him about how your feeling, and maybe even going to couples counseling.
Post # 11
I think you should go with your gut.
If there is a reason you are not happy it is better to address it sooner rather than later.
Post # 12
I had a period of time that I felt like that with my boyfriend (now FI!)… it was very rough but I made sure to talk to him about how I was feeling through it all. In the end, it turned out to be a phase and I am SO GLAD I didn’t act on my fears because we have an incredible relationship and I couldn’t be more excited to marry him next summer. Relationships aren’t going to have that “spark” day in and day out…. at some point the butterflies wear off and you need to be in the relationship for the other wonderful things you get out of it. It sounds like you both have a lot going on in your lives right now (which was the case for my Fiance and I when I was having my uncertain feelings a few years back). Give yourselves some time to work on the relationship. Going out and doing things isn’t always the answer… sometimes you need more quality time instead of busy time. Make sure to talk it through with him and let him know how you’re feeling.
Post # 13
@jenniferjane: I have. With this one actually. We’ve had our ups and downs over the last two years. We “lost the spark” fairly early on in the relationship. We were living hours away from each other, never got to spend time together and when we did, we tried to cram so much into those few days during the week that after he moved closer to me we had nothing to do or talk about anymore. Everything was boring and I felt that we no longer had anything in common. But we stuck with it and got through it. We’ve had similar situations throughout the relationship, like when I started going to college full time again, when the sex wasn’t as exciting as it used to be, when we first got engaged and all I could think about was the planning. But for all of those times I still felt like it was a relationship. That we both were in it whole heartedly and for the long haul. It doesn’t feel that way now.
@abnorris: I really would like to talk to him, but I don’t know what to say. FH is the type of person who wants an explanation. He believes there is a reason for everything and sometimes there really is no reason. I’ve told him that I feel detached from the relationship and his response was a promise to spend more time with me, talk to me more and so on. He wants to know why I feel this way, but the only answer I can give him is that I just do.
@calypso0712: At present, we don’t get to do much together. FH has just started back to school and is taking on more hours at work so we spend very little time together. I just don’t find myself looking forward to him coming or being that upset when he leaves. Like I said, when he is here I feel like I’m spending time with a friend, while it’s great to see him, I wouldn’t get upset if I couldn’t.
Post # 14
Maybe you should try taking a break. Tell your FH how you are feeling and that you can’t explain WHY exactly but you just are having doubts. Work something out where you don’t see eachother or talk for a period of time and then revisit the relationship. If you can go a month or so without seeing/talking to him and don’t miss him, then you kinda have your answer. If you do miss him, then that will tell you there is still something there in the relationship.
I would definitely be open with your FH about your feelings (or lack thereof). Coming out of nowhere and just leaving without an explanation or working on it will be more hurtful than anything else.
And definitely do something to address the problem before it’s too late. Don’t put it off because of one thing or another because ignoring it won’t make it better. Don’t do anything too rash… try to take a break or work on things (maybe a counselor?) before ending it altogether so if you do wind up ending it it will be with peace of mind knowing you tried.