(Closed) I feel invisible to my husband

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Did your husband or fiance change his attitude/behavior toward you, prior to the wedding?
    Yes he was much more caring : (11 votes)
    23 %
    Yes, he was much less caring : (4 votes)
    8 %
    No, he was the same man I fell in love with : (33 votes)
    69 %
    Other (explain below) : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    860 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I’m sorry about this 🙁

    Is he going through other changes? Career, family etc?

    My only advice is to try to work it out through marriage counseling.  Other than that, maybe you could try to change things up a little?  Maybe try to do something new and interesting every week or so?  Spice things up in the bedroom a little maybe?  I’m not saying this is the problem, but maybe it could help…

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    860 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    Maybe you could see someone by yourself then- it can’t hurt.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2204 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    So my take on this is that you were long distance and now that you are living together and in the same place (for an extended period of time), you’ve a hit a bit of a rut.

    At some point in a relationship, you became more like roommates (not in every sense of course). It’s all about finding that balance and keeping the spark going. You have to be able to go through the motions of everyday life but remember to make that little extra effort.

    Romance doesn’t dwindle but you do have to work on it.

    I wouldn’t recommend jumping right into couples therapy or counseling but it’s something to consider if things don’t improve.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2204 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I’m sorry, you must be incredibly frustrated.

    Is there anything he really enjoys doing? Like something small, that he can find time a few times a week to put his efforts into?

    For example, my Fiance really enjoys either a tennis match or hitting golf balls at the driving range with a guy friend. It’s like a 1 hour activity that re-energizes him.

    This burden is really on his shoulders to figure out, which is not helpful to say, I know. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice for you!

    Post # 9
    Member
    194 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Hey, I understand that this is hurtful to you.  You can’t get him to change, though.  I agree with Angela83 that you can see a counselor by yourself.  I have seen a counselor for some issues, and it changed my life.

    I had a boyfriend who was not attentive, and my counselor said to try to lessen my need on him, and he would come looking for me.  That was true.  However, he never wanted to get married, so I eventually broke up with him and found the right person–a sensitive caring person who DID want to marry me.

    My advice to you is to try to focus on having a social life and friends so that you can diminish the need you have for him.  If things don’t get better after that and after another six months, I would head for the hills.  You have the rest of your life ahead of you, and you shouldn’t waste your time on someone who is not worth it.  That’s my two cents.

    Post # 11
    Member
    555 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I highly recommend the 5 love languages if you haven’t read it.  It will help you each learn about the other and what you need to do for one another to show and feel love. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    2821 posts
    Sugar bee

    We went through this a few years into our relationship and it was very difficult.  It turns out there was a bunch weighing on his mind that I’m not even sure he realized until we started talking, and talking and talking………..it had a really good outcome and just made us closer but it was difficult to go through it.  I’d pick a different topic that I thought he might have some thoughts on – sometimes he’d bite, sometimes he wouldn’t and sometimes it took a couple times/different angles till he’d bite.  But it was the same for us, bedroom good as always but he’d made himself distant from me, which hurt a lot.  But after awhile we both figured out where we’d gone wrong – yeah I’d been holding him at arms length as well, and we got a lot stronger from all those talks. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I’m sorry, this is a crappy situation to be in.  Have you noticed changes in his behavior in other aspects of his life?  If you have, then it’s possible he may be depressed or have another medical issue.  I’d really try to convince him to see a therapist or doctor about it. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    2821 posts
    Sugar bee

    @lackluster:  Anything and everything.  A lot had to do with our relationship but we also talked about the life, universe and everything because honestly world view does make a big impact on your relationship.  And even though everything was good in the bedroom we also talked about fantasies we hadn’t shared before.  My approach was a bit harsh and maybe not what you should use once you’re married – but at the time it was like you don’t have anything to lose since we know we can’t be happy in a relationship the way it’s going now, if any revelations were to make it worse than so be it, makes the break up easier. 

    We also talked about other people we felt attracted to both physically and emotionally – very dangerous territory, and emotionally very hard but for us it worked itself out and helped both of us understand I think what we were lacking/wanting in the relationship. There was no yelling during this (a little crying though once in awhile). 

    He said something about it a few weeks ago and it really struck me, very non-chalantly he says ‘I think the meanest things that have ever been said to me have been said by you’.  And I’m like but I never yelled at you.  And he’s like ‘no, but you you called me out in a way that rang true and that hurts more than random complaints but it’s also what I needed to hear to change and grow.’

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