- 5 years ago
SO and I had previously been in a funk, both just dealing with the boring lull before our lives take off and it was making us both a little depressed. I tried talking to SO about it and it was really constructive for him. When I brought up how we both seemed off lately he agreed and then tangented off about how he’s frustrated between staying at his current lower-paying computer job while at the same time trying to land a record deal with 4 recordings that were done this summer in Florida. There just have been multiple delays in the process of getting them “radio ready” to give to industry contacts. He was expecting it to be done much sooner and the process only seems to get delayed more. So he is in a “waiting” period of his own and it was/still is causing him stress/anxiety. I asked SO for anything I can do for him to help him get out of his funk since we should be working as a team not against each other. He never actually gave me anything but it seemed that most of any sour mood coming from him was just due to his being tired of the recording process taking longer than intended aka he’s getting impatient. He seemed to be out of his funk for the most part other than still feeling annoyed that he’s waiting
At the same time I too am feeling this stress/anxiety of being basically in limbo. The future is so uncertain and I know at my age (23) it is a time of change these feelings are normal but just because I am aware of them, doesn’t make them go away. I am trying to manage logcally and practically (i.e. telling myself no matter what happens everything will be fine, don’t sweat the small stuff, etc) but I feel like I can’t get my thoughts straight. Some days I am fine and content just doing the grind. Others I feel like everything is up in the air and soon will come crashing down for worse or for better it just feels desperate. The worst part is I feel so…alone. When SO was finished talking I had hoped that maybe he would now talk to me and give me a chance to sort myself out as well but he went and changed the subject after he was feeling better after talking it out with me. I guess I could’ve brought it up again but I hate that. It just seems like I am asking for attention, which I suppose I am. (Funny how just typing something out to you bees helps me see it more clearly, you haven’t even read this and already you’re helping) I just don’t want to be seen as selfish or self-centered. I don’t want to talk about my feelings because I am needy, he is just my partner and I guess I could’ve used some support at that time. However, I asked SO what as bothering HIM and while we both agreed and discovered we are dealing with the same depressed feelings/anxiety I never should just assume that he would take that as maybe I need to let it out as well. I was really kind of hurt by this just for the mere fact that he knew I was also upset and didn’t want to talk to me, even after my saying we should be a team, but decided I was over-analyzing as I tend to do and let it go.
I am happy because we’ve disucssed engagment and it will happen at somepoint but sometimes I get frustrated. Just because I understand why we have to and should be waiting doesn’t make it any less hard. It’s such an anxious vulnerable position to be in. I have constant cold feet thoughts like is this how I am going to have to live the rest of my life, is this the sex I am going to have the rest of my life, etc, etc, just stupid flippant worries that anyone would have before such a huge lifetime commitment even though I am 100% convinced SO is my soulmate.
I feel guilty because I get annoyed sometimes when SO mentions being frustrated waiting. At least he gets to vent about it and get it out. At least he gets to tell everyone about it and they don’t judge him. At least he gets progress and can see that things are being worked on. Me? I have nothing. I can’t get progress reports because there is no progress and won’t be any for months. Then even where this is I STILL can’t know anything, and btw I hate surprises. I don’t mind really but I wish I could just vent about it from time to time with out seeming desperate or naggy. I’m just excited and of course I want it now. I love SO I want to be Mrs. SO so badly I keep having stupid dreams about it. But I am not an idiot and this is a partnership decision that both of us need to be prepared for and right now in limbo phase is not the right time. I am just a little kid and it’s not fair. The worst part is I get quiet when I am depressed and SO will ask what is wrong but I don’t even know what to say because technically, nothing is wrong and everything feels wrong at the same time. Plus he’ll just think I am being impatient again. I should just be happy for him and I try not to sound bothered when he gets to run off inthe middle or whatever we doing to work on more progress for him. I know the sooner this gets done likely the sooner we’ll get engaged or so I hope. I am still convinced that this will take off and SO will have no time for an engagment/wedding planning. or he’ll just do it half-assed last minute so our relationship will get the shaft. It just sounds pessimistic to me and I am not normally like that. I just want to get through this phase already. I graduate in December and can’t even think what to do after because I have no idea what we will be doing and what we will be doing is all dependent on this recorded deal. I’m just tired and frustrated and lonely mostly. I don’t know how to be happy for SO regarding his music when it just reminds me how fragile the whole situation is.
How do I just relax?! How do I stop being so selfish?!