(Closed) I feel like a bad wife but….

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 48
Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@RobandLil0107:  All guys are great with gifts in the beginning. During the first few dates you decide if there is something there, in the first 3 months you decide if it is serious and then in the first 5 months you start to lose the honeymoon phase. Usually after the first 5-6 months you start to see each others flaws then by the first year you are usually reaching your first big fight. Midway through your second year you are either healing or the fighting is getting worse. Of course each couple is different but that is the timeline I have noticed. Usually when you get married the cycle starts over as you go back to the honeymoon phase. I only brought that up since you said he isn’t like he was at the beginning and thought maybe you could relate to the timeline. 

 

Anyway I think you need to sit down and think about other ways he may show his love. My darling just doesn’t know how to show his love other than just being a great guy! He listens when I am upset and helps me without asking and shows how much he cares in simple ways. If your husband doesn’t do those things then maybe the way you are telling him just isn’t coming through? Men are waffles and girls are spagetti so it is frusterating but sometimes things need to be spelled out. I would tell him that you don’t need a whole romantic getaway or an expensive present but that you would like some effort or thought in the things he gives you.

I suggest watching this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43j2kCAVsmE

there are many more videos but they are fun to watch and very helpful. I also suggest renting the movie fireproof and watching it for a date night. Even if you are not religious the movie and the seminar really help bring you closer together.

Marriage is a two way street and even if this sounds bad we also can’t hear his side. I definietly think watching the youtube video and the movie will be a good step in the right direction.

Post # 49
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@RobandLil0107:  I’d just get him a card and bake him a cake. I think it can be assumed that he doesn’t see birthday’s as a big deal (or he’s jsut selfish and cheap). So enough with the grand gestures.

Post # 50
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@Hyperventilate:  I agree that you shouldn’t try to “get even” for crappy gifts, but there is something to be said for spoiling your wife once in a while…especially on her birthday AND Christmas. I’m not saying it has to be expensive, but it MUST be thoughtful. In fact, it’s some people’s love language. I would talk with your husband about how you were hurt and would like a little more effort into bday/xmas this year…you deserve it, girl!

Post # 51
Member
9082 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@phillybride61513:  It has been discussed and everyone has been forgiven. It isn’t a big deal for me. “Firsts” are a big deal for me, but that isn’t coming back to me.

I don’t expect gifts, from anyone. Birthday, wedding or otherwise. My birthday nor christmas have been important to me, but this was a first for us, and that’s why I was disappointed.

It’s all water under the bridge now. No hurt feelings.

Post # 52
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@Hyperventilate:  I’m glad you’re over it. It’s totally one of my love languages and I would be devastated if this happened to me.

Post # 53
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

All that AND YOU are paying off YOUR e-ring????

 

Do you make a whole lot more money than he does? Do you both work?

 

I get it’s not so much a money thing, but just showing an iota of thoughtfulness. But I’m trying to even understand the basic situation. I guess it would make sense if he’s under-employed and you make decent money? But still, money isn’t required for meaningful gifts. His behavior is hurtful in light of the thought and care you put into things for him.

 

(I just don’t get how someone can open thoughtful, great gifts from someone at Xmas, and then not feel a bit like a heel when they barely put any thought into the gift they gave. At the very least you would think they would make it up next holiday.)

 

I would so say something to him about all of this. He obviously doesn’t have the insight to realize he’s hurting you or (worse) he does and that’s why he’s being such a selfish heel – you need to find out which.

Also, I would NOT give him squat for his birthday this year – let him know how it feels. If he reacts, then its a great way to start a conversation about his behavior and how it has hurt you in the past. Or go grab him some crappy little knick-nack in the novelty isle at the gas station, be with him when you buy it, and give to him.  Maybe a taste of his own medicine would make him understand. (If not, and he doesnt’ care, then it’s obviously a lost cause and I wouldn’t put yourself through the effort of doing such thoughtful things for someone who doesn’t care or notice.

 

Post # 54
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@RobandLil0107:  Can I be honest for a second? This guy sounds like a mooch. 

I don’t know what your financial situation is like, but it sounds like you are being limited by his financial obligations. How on earth does that work? 

It’s not about gifts. It’s about the fact that he likes to use your money for his own sh:t, and his mom’s cigarettes (uhm, can she buy her own? why the fuck is she smoking if she can’t afford it??). 

Do not get him a thing. Buy the stuff you want to buy yourself, and enjoy it. 

Life is entirely too short to lose the best years of your existance, and waste it with a loser like him.

If I offended you, and he’s the bestest man in the world otherwise, I’m sorry. But from my angle, he sounds like an immature leach. 

“well I’m not going to buy myself lunch at work because “I didn’t get you anything for bday/vday/etc and I don’t deserve it because I’m a bad boyfriend/fiancé/husband.”

What grown ass man speaks like that?

 

 

Post # 55
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@RobandLil0107:  I’m really sorry, but I just read you last comment, you are letting use you. Don’t let him play this “guilt” game and give you puppy dog eyes. 

Start your own individual bank account and start keeping money in it for you. In the joint account, put in the bare minimum to pay the necessary bills – not his extras or luxuries. Let him make his own car payments and get his mom cigarettes.  It’s always so much easier to do those things with someone else’s money.  I wonder how he will behave when he doesn’t have the luxury of your money at his disposal.

Sit back and see how he reacts when he can’t use your money, that will be the true test of the man.

Post # 56
Member
2624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@RobandLil0107:  I don’t blame you for being upset. I would be too. I wouldn’t get him anything, he doesn’t sound like a “gift” guy and you’d probably be wastingyou time and money buying a gift. But I gree with the PPs when they say you should talk to him about it.

Post # 57
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Don’t get him anything. Let him see how it feels. Sometimes–You have to actually SHOW men in order for them to get it and trust me, He will notice for sure when he doesn’t get an awesome gift like you have provided in the past!

 

Post # 58
Member
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@MirnaMinkoff:  I was trying to think of a way to seperate her money and that is a great solution. 

Getting him a card and something small or baking a cake is what I would do.  Maybe he won’t get the point until you stop spoiling him with gifts.

Post # 59
Member
3082 posts
Sugar bee

@RobandLil0107:  was he like this before you got married? has he always not really been into gifts?

It is very frustrating to go out of your way for someone and not have them do the same for you. Trust me i know! But i have realized that I love giving gifts. I like being thoughtful and buying them something i think they will like. I like seeing their face. So i do it out of love, not because i expect anything.

Not that I wouldnt love something! but you know what I mean. I would sit and talk with him and tell him that he needs to put a little more thought into it

Post # 60
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@calendula:  + 10000000000

You guys might want to read the book “The Five Love Languages”. Its a really good book on communicating love to your partner in a language they “understand”

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