(Closed) I feel like a bad wife, please help me

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

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goodvibes0719:  This sounds really difficult. I am lucky that I am attracted to my husband, but in past relationships, once I lost interest both emotionally and physically (or admitted I never was physically attracted to begin with), there was no going back. But, since you love him and want to be attracted to him, I would suggest that you see a therapist on your own. Seems like you can start there, and your husband won’t need to know what you’re discussing. That can be kept between you and your therapist unless you get to a point where you want to discuss it with him. (which is ok!) Your wanting to repair this is so important. I would capitalize on that desire. Also, I don’t think this is weird. I would guess it’s actually pretty common and normal.

Post # 4
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’m honestly not sure what to say. I do agree with PP that seeing a counselor on your own would be a good first step. I’m sorry that you’re going through this and I definetely don’t think you should feel like a bad wife. It’s certainly no fault of yours and you’re trying to figure out the cause so don’t beat yourself up too hard.

I do have one question. You stated that you would go to marriage counseling (but not bring that up in front of him naturally)…so are there other issues in your marriage that you’re experiencing? If so, are you sure that isn’t playing a small role in some of the changes? 

Post # 5
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Is there something else going on in your relationship that maybe needs to be addressed that could be underlying the lack of physical attraction?

Post # 6
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

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goodvibes0719:  I somtimes want to get sex over with even tho I am attracted! And, I don’t feel guilty about it at all. This does not make you a bad wife. You probably need to give yourself a break. You are not betraying him, especially if you want to look into how to improve the situation, and really are willing to work on it. I would definitely recommend individual counseling. 

Post # 7
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’ve been thinking about this more and this may be completely silly so ignore me if it makes no sense. Everyone takes different amounts of time to “heal” from stressful or difficult experiences. You said how after your second birth it was a pretty difficult time. Even though you’ve worked through the PP ocd and anxiety, maybe you’re still getting over the experience. Do you think in a way since your husband is associated with the experience and sex naturally was as well that it may be the reason for lack of interest. Do you feel fear of pregnancy again or birth from the last experience?

Kind of like if I got burned making smores and I still like snores but I just don’t want to make them again thus far because of the experience I went through. 

A year really isn’t that long honestly. Like I said, the above could make no sense and be silly. But it was the only thing I have been able to think about thus far trying to examine the situation.

Post # 10
Member
1978 posts
Buzzing bee

“Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski really helped me understand my sexuality as a woman, and how desire can change over time and in different life stages. It might help you to read it. History, jealousy, self esteem, and in general life-with-a-baby can all factor into your desire. Attraction to your partner changes as time goes on, and you might have to do something a little different to reawaken it. She talks about that aspect spcifically in the book. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
1502 posts
Bumble bee

As friendly as WB is, there are issues you need to seek professional help for instead of looking for advice from a bunch of strangers on the internet.  What you are experiencing could be a whole host of things that is causing your lack of sexual desire for your DH.  Pregnancy and giving birth will change your body dramatically including your hormones that can make you feel really off and not like your usual self.  You need to have a full medical workup done to make sure its not a underlying health issue and then seek professional individual counseling from someone who specializes in post-partum issues.  

To find the answers you need for why you are experiencing the symptoms you are will likely require an in depth look into your medical and personal life/history,  which is way beyond the scope of what the women on WB can provide.  Please get off the internet and seek professional help for this.

Post # 13
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

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goodvibes0719:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this – it must feel very isolating. I think speaking with a therapist would be really beneficial for you.

Post # 15
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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goodvibes0719:  this sounds like post natal depression – it sounds like it all started when you had the 2nd birth – you keep saying it was a very hard birth So it seems this trauma and your feeling towards the birth and baby were very harrowing for you. 

I actually watched a programme on this last night and the woman was very upset and felt guilty how she was with the baby and her husband. You could associate a lot of that with him.

do you enjoy sex when you do have it with him although initially not attracted? I have been going through lower sex drive and not caring if o have it but as soon as we do I’m loving it and feel great after. 

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