(Closed) I feel like a crappy wife. :- [long]

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

You could be mildly depressed. Have you talked with your doctor about this? It could be the situational change (moving far from friends and family, not having new friends), it could be hormonal (coming off BC can really mess with your body’s chemistry, including your brain’s chemistry), or it could be a combination of both.


Post # 4
7649 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think maybe there might be some medical things going on with your bc, but perhaps you could take a walk each day? Even if it is just for 20 minutes and just you (or with your hubby). I know for me walks help clear my mind and allow me to think and be at peace for a little while.

If the TCOYF doesn’t help, and you don’t see improvement I would look into seeing your doctor and explaining this situation to him.

In the meantime, I would make your hubby a great dinner and have a movie night (or that walk I was talking about). πŸ™‚


Post # 5
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I know this might sound stupid, but I would look for a job that gives you more than one week off a year!!!  I would be depressed too if I had to choose between a honeymoon and seeing my family.  One week in a year is not enough.

I will get over 10 weeks off paid this year – it’s one of the things that makes my low-paying job worth it.

Post # 6
11889 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Moving far away from family and friends is hard, ESP when you are making Major life changes. It doesn’t seem to impact everyone, but I felt a ton of grief when I did it. Plus they were mad at me for moving, so I felt guilty too. In my heart, it really hurt and I would wake up worried that I couldn’t get there in time if something happened. It’s really hard when it comes to your time off. You need to relax with SO, but you also need to see family. I  don’t have solutions, I wish I did. Just letting you know that you aren’t alone in these feelings. 


Post # 7
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@roweboat:  okay, a couple of things:


first, I would see a doctor to rule out depression. Even if it’s just a minor case of it, treatment could really benefit you. 


Second, as far as your sex drive…the best thing you can do to up your desire for it is have it! Even if you’re not totally in the mood at first, just going through the motions will make you want it, and the more you do it, the more you’ll want it later. Honestly, there are times where Fiance is really in the mood and I’m not, but I don’t turn him down because I know he’ll get me in the mood in no time. 


As far as making friends, try organizing an out of work lunch or dinner with other employees, get the ball rolling. Join an exercise group or yoga class that will give you the opportunity to socialize and meet people. 


Good luck!

Post # 8
1357 posts
Bumble bee

You need to make friends! I think it would help with a lot of your issues. It would make you happier, more confident, which could help with your sex drive if you are indeed mildly depressed (although it sounds like a physical thing from your BC, in which case you should see a doctor). 

Start volunteering, join an interest or religious group, start a fitness or language class… People tend to be very welcoming if you say that you just moved here. If all else fails, try online. When I first moved to my city, I met a woman on Craigslist, who became one of my good friends. Through her, I met my now-best friend and most of my current circle of friends. 

The happier you are with yourself, the better wife you will be πŸ™‚ And btw, your husband sounds like a great guy, I’m sure you will work through all your issues!

Post # 9
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Get out!  Volunteer, take a class, anything that sounds interesting to you.  Waiting around for your old friends to call will just make you even more unhappy about your situation.  While they’ll still be your friends, you need to move forward and make new friends too. 

Don’t go back to visit your family for your honeymoon!  Seriously, that’s supposed to be the time for you as a couple.  To be romantic, intimate and celebrate a new marriage. There is nothing more libido killing than lunching with family and in-laws (for him) during what’s supposed to be a relaxing, romantic, happy few days.  This is a chance for you two to recharge and reconnect after a really stressful change.  Take advantage of this chance.

Post # 10
8146 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m gonna PM you  xo

Post # 11
2127 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Hey, you know alot of it could have to do with the funk you are in. I was on BC for 10 yeas and got off 6 months ago, things have been kinda weird for me too cycle wise, my doc assures me that it can take 6 months or so for things to go back to normal and assures me that taking birth control is safe and typically has no long-term consequences.

Once I got off I had a spike in libido but then it leveled out, but that doesn’t bother me so much, i’m back to baseline on that but I think many can relate to just not feeling up to it…it’s probably not you or your body, it could a combination of diskliking your job, not having the social life you desire at this time, just not feeling like yourself. I suspect when you find a job you like you will meet new people and things will improve…but focus on eachother for now, dont’ be so hard on yourself.

Post # 12
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Sounds like what I call “the Relocation Blues”

Moving is hard.. even if you move for a pleasant event (getting married / living with your honey) it is a BIG emotional event in that it uproots your whole life / routine

Start by getting out more (spring is coming)… walk more was good advice from another Bee

Get out in the neighbourhood… get some fresh air, (good for clearing out the cobwebs / blues / even light depression)… you’ll see things, meet people (it will make you feel more connected to your new place)

You can do it alone.. or with your hubby.  Walk, Run, Bike… Rollerblade… all good ways to get around.

Then find some stuff that interests you.  Volunteer, join a club, take up a hobby… try something you’ve never done before.

It won’t be long you’ll meet a bunch of new people, and have your own social circle.

You can make it happen… start today.


Post # 13
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I just wanted to offer reasurrance re: the BC thing.  I had to go off BC temporarily last year, and I didn’t have a period for 12 weeks.  I asked my doc and he said that’s normal if you’ve been on it for awhile, your body just has to take a few months to adjust back to normal.  I’d still talk to your doctor about it, but you’re probably fine.

Post # 14
2202 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

just sounds like you might be a bit depressed which is understandable…. the fact that you notice and want to change is a very good sign. You have had a crazy few months w the wedding, the move, the job search etc – its hard to stay happy and positive when you are trying to set down roots and it isn’t always all sunshine and unicorns.

With summer coming up its a good time to be outside and making friends – even if you don’t really want to maybe try to force yourself to do one thing a week that is outside your comfort zone…

strike up a convo w a stranger at starbucks- tell someone you like thier shoes and ask where they bought them/if they know any good spots locally

looks into a book club at local library

take a wine/cooking/yoga/ zumba class

go to a knitting or sewing circle

join some group sport – kickball, tennis, running


It will pass and things will get better…. make a point to try to get out of your funk and if you can’t do it alone ask for help (I know for me my weekly “bitch session” with a friend is better than an hour with any therapist out there!)


for tonight…its friday…. maybe get home and put something fun on, a little makeup and perfume and take the hubby out for the night…. even if its just a slice of pizza or wings at the local bar treat him to a night out and then take him home and treat him to something else!!!!

Post # 16
6701 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Baby boy 12/2015

@roweboat:  I can relate to you in a few things. First of all, we are hundreds of miles away from family (both sides), and even though we keep busy with school and work, I still feel like I have no real friends. Sadly to say, I doubt it will get any better. 

I wish we had family here that’s why we invited my mom and sister to come over for the summer.

One small suggestion would be that you guys can still go to your honeymoon and stop by and visit family. I know it is not the same as spending a week but every little moment helps. If you make the right plan, it can work out.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, you already trying by coming here to ask for “help”.

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