Post # 1
6 wonderful years together… It didnt really start getting to me until a bunch of his friends started proposing to their girlfriends of 1 or 2 years. Started to feel like there was something wrong with me (Insecure, I know). 6 months ago we stopped by a ring store while at the mall and he asked me to show me what I love. I was on cloud nine. I love weddings, have always dreamed of planning my own. My pinterest wedding board doubled in size, I gushed to my mom and sister, yada yada. Anyway fast forward to 5 weeks ago, we were out and I saw another one of his friends popped the question. I made some dumb comment like “Oh look, so and so got the ring.” I guess this really got under his skin (Apparently other people, including some of my family were also asking about marriage). He snapped at me at the bar, said some really hurtful things about how I’m ungrateful, and about how he pays my way all the time (We’ve lived together for 4 years, he has a better job so he pays our phone bill), and so on and so on. Due to alcohol, I cried, felt like shit. After 30 minutes of not speaking, he apoplogizes sincerily. He was stressed out from a terrible work week and felt inadequate and took it out on me. I forgave him. He tried to make some joke about giving me an onion ring, cuz ya know atleast its a ring. I didn’t find it funny. Hes been exceptionally sweet since, but I cant forget what was said, it made me feel like a shitty person. Ive been trying to pay for all our nights out and bills and he just refuses saying that he wants me to forget what he said that night, that he didnt mean it, and I contribute plenty. I want to forget, but I cant. This board is the first wedding this Ive been on since that night. (I’ve even stopped watching “Say Yes to the Dress”) I’m off marriage right now, I dont want anything. I just want to be us and slowly work my way back up to it being a happy idea, because right now I dont have any good feelings about it.
In two days, we are going to the Bahamas on a trip he earned from his company for being Manager of the Year. I’m very excited but am nervous that he may propose, everyone seems to think he is going to. In that moment I know I’ll cry and say yes. I love this man, I love his daughter, I want to be with them. But in the back of my mind I know I will be agonizing over whether or not he just did it to pacify me or because he feels bad. I dont want that, I dont want it to be like that. I want his to be happy about his choice not begrudgingly doing it because everyone thinks he should. I guess we’ll see, I dont want my insecurities to ruin the moment for me or him either. I dont think I’ll be able to not bring up the fight and if hes only doing this because of it.
I just can really use some advice and support right now. I feel like I ruined everything for him and myself.
Thank you 🙁
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Post # 2
after 6 years together he’s mad and you’re “ungrateful” for asking where your relationship is going?! Hello, the fake 1950s surprise “proposal” ship has long sailed. You’ve been living with him as his “defacto” wifey for 4 years. Now he wants to pretend as though you’re an old-fashioned movie couple. He chastised you, omg pressuring, why are you buying that bs?? Total douche canoe delay/stall move on his part, bet you are still gf post vacay, I hope not but…..
Post # 3
I’m sorry bee, words can really hurt and it’s not fair to say cruel things to the person you love, even if you’re upset. Since it’s obviously still bothering you, I think you should talk to him about it; just approach it as “I appreciate that you apologized, but I’m really struggling to shake off what you said” and go from there and be specific with him as to why it hurt you. Open communication is the first step in getting your relationship back to where you want it.
Post # 4
It doesn’t sound like you ruined anything Bee- it sounds like having so many of your friends getting engaged around you has upset you both a bit- it’s made him feel bad, you feel anxious…..so when Yet Another Engagement was remarked on, he went on the defensive and said a few spiteful-in-the-moment things he’s now really regretting, you let a combination of alcohol and waiting anxiety lead to a tearful outburst…..but none of this is dealbreaking unfixable.
Dry your tears and stop beating yourself up for being human. Try and focus on happy planning for your upcoming trip- if he pops the question I’m betting it will still feel incredibly special and you’ll forget all about what was simply an in-the-moment couple’s spat. If he doesn’t propose on the trip, sit down with him when you’re not feeling overly-emotional and have a serious talk about your future (like a timeline to be engaged).
Good luck Bee.
Post # 5
Before you agonize over the waiting for marriage part, you should step back and consider whether you want to tie yourself to a man that keeps track of (and seemingly resents a little bit) of what he pays for you. That is not a good recipe for marital balance of power in a situation when one spouse makes more than the other. If you don’t resolve that, even if he DOES propose, you’re going to have problems ahead.
Post # 6
You didn’t ruin it, he did. You made a MILDLY passive aggressive comment, which was frankly super justified, and he flipped out on you and said some really mean shit. That said… he has apologized profusely, so you are going to have to either talk to him about it again or let it go.
Post # 7
I know that’s what I should do. There was never a question in my mind that he wants to marry me. I think the whole ring shopping thing is what got me so rev’d up about it. Cuz it was closer to Christmas, then New Years, then Valentine’s Day, etc etc. I feel like the Bahamas were where he wanted to do it all along (at least those are hints my mom is dropping). I’m just worried I spoiled it, that’s all. We’ve never fought about money, and I think I’m more hurt about it cuz it is something I’m insecure about and to hear it from him just really burned me. But he made it a point to tell me all the wonderful things I do for him and my step daughter including all I pay for. We’ve been a very good team these years together. I just don’t want it in the back of my mind when he asks.
Post # 8
If that comment was the first and last time he’s made you feel bad about your financial arrangement, and he insists he didn’t mean it/apologizes then you need to let it go IMO. People say hurtful things sometimes. Haven’t you ever done that to a loved one? No ones perfect.
Post # 9
You didnt spoil anything! It sounds like he has wanted to marry your for a long time. STOP BEING INSECURE. Forgive and forget….people say a ton of things they do not mean when they are not at their best. This will not be the last time and you will have to learn to forgive and forget. Try to forget about it and contiune pinning and watching SYTTD and have fun enjoying your last days as a “single lady”!
Post # 10
With love and kindness- you keep mentioning that you are insecure. That should be worked on, either alone or with a professional
Post # 11
With love and kindness, I think you learned a valuable lesson about not measuring your relationship against other peoples. Just because they may be engaged and married before you doesn’t mean that their relationship is any better or has any better chance of lasting.
I think he was drinking and said something shitty in the heat of the moment. We’ve all been there! I wouldn’t hang him by his toes for this remark alone. It sounds like from your post you guys have a good relationship and when you started talking about marriage seriously he took you to look at rings. Look, saving for a ring takes time! I think sometimes we forget just because we went and looked at rings doesn’t mean it’s going to happen right away. I think DH took me to look at rings twice over a two year period and then a final time when he was 100% ready to propose and that’s when I picked my ring and he went out and bought it later that week. So all in all, two years from the initial visit to look at rings.
Dont let this ruin your vacation!
Post # 12
It does sound like he’s just pretty stressed right now. That doesn’t make what he did right but I’m sure you’ll both move past this and be okay.
A similar thing happened when I started seriously discussing timelines with my fiance. We’d been together 7 years and had discussed engagement every so often. When I asked about a solid timeline he snapped and got upset, said he felt pressured, but calmed down after we hashed it out some more. He wound up proposing shortly thereafter.
And have fun while you’re in the Bahamas! That’s where I’m from. If you want any travel tips feel free to message me about it. Try not to let the fight cloud the good time you both can have. 🙂
Post # 13
Have a great time in the Bahamas but please don’t expect a proposal. It may not happen.