Post # 1
Member
40 posts
Newbee
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over two years. For a while now I have been crossing my fingers for a promise ring. It didn’t seem like it would ever happen and today he asked me about it casually. We started talking about it and I got upset because he said he didn’t think he was ready for that. I soon found out that for Christmas he actually had purchased a promise ring for me, but had to return it soon after because he ran into money troubles. Now I really feel like a jerk for getting so worked up about it. How can I make the situation better? I feel so bad about making such a big deal. I know his spirit is broken right now because of it 🙁
Post # 3
Member
12249 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Are one of you heading off to college in the fall? Maybe he can save up and give it to you then!
Post # 4
Member
40 posts
Newbee
@BrandNewBride: I am in college right now and he recently moved up in his career. I feel like I hurt his feelings now and I think I ruined any chance of him ever wanted to get me one
Post # 5
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
@cassernova: Do you actually want a promise ring or an engagement ring? Is it worth to get the promise ring in the first place, especially if he has some money trouble and you are both in college? I am just throwing out questions.
I think if you just have an honest conversation with him, telling him that you love him and want to take “the next step” (even if it is a promise ring) he might understand why you might have gotten worked up. Sometimes waiting is the worst enemy! I’ve been there myself.
Post # 6
Member
12249 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I wouldn’t worry about the promise ring so much… He can always get you other nice jewelery. Maybe he can save his pennies up and really splurge on an e-ring in a few years!
Sorry I underestimated your age, by the way! Where I went to college, promise rings weren’t really a “thing”.
Post # 7
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
@cassernova: Just make sure he knows how happy you are with him, and if you are willing to wait for his financial situation to turn around make sure he knows that as well. Maybe you can also tell him that you are willing to accept something less expensive and upgrade to something more expensive later.
Post # 8
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
Why did you get upset? Because he isn’t ready? That doesn’t bode well for your future, in my opinion. How can you expect him to be honest with you if you get upset?
Does a promise ring mean the same to each of you? Have you discussed what “step” that is in your relationship and what you each want?
Post # 9
Member
40 posts
Newbee
the thing that bothers me is that he had to return the ring because he lost a lot of money gambling. i knew that he had returned my christmas present but i had no idea that it was a ring. if i had known he had gotten me a ring and been forced to return it, i wouldn’t have even brought it up. it bothered me that he said he “wasn’t ready” but i soon found out he was saying that because he didn’t want to tell me he had gotten me a ring. the way i was looking at it was he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me. it hurt me when he said he was returning my christmas present because he lost about $2,000 gambling, but now it hurts me even more knowing that it was something that would have meant a lot to me. I just wanted something that showed he was committed to me
Post # 10
Member
40 posts
Newbee
why am i the one that feels bad about this?
Post # 12
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee
@cassernova: I can understand your frustration, but right now I would be way more concerned with the fact that he lost $2,000 gambling. That is a lot of money to lose and could be indicative of future financial behavior. Gambling can and does cause huge rifts in relationships.
I have a promise ring that I got when I was 17 and my Fiance was 19, right before college. I love it and I still wear it. It was rather inexpensive (around $49, regular $100). I understand you want something that shows commitment, but committment is more than a piece of jewelry. It should be shown in his actions. I would suggest having a very honest conversation about your relationship (and the gambling).
Post # 13
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
@bmo88: I totally agree with with you! There are many rings that are inexpensive if you are looking for something physical to wear as a reminder. But… you really do have to look at why he was gambling with $2000. That is a whole lot of money to lose, especially in college!
Post # 14
Member
40 posts
Newbee
@bmo88: that is the kind of ring i was hoping for. not something huge and flashy, just a small thing to show he cares.
and about the gambling thing, he knows he has a problem and he is working on it. i guess thats why i feel bad for bringing it up because he already feels bad enough about losing all that money and having to take it back as it is, so now i feel like it was a slap in the face to him to bring it back up even though he is changing.
is there anything i can say or do? i think i should just leave it alone?
Post # 15
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee
@cassernova: I do not think you were in the wrong at all to bring it up or address the gambling issue. While you may not be married and may not share finances, you are still in a relationship and if the two of you are looking to take the next step, then discussions about finances is imperative.
He may say that he knows he has a problem and is working on it, but if he just recently lost that amount of money, I would venture to say he has a long way to go in terms of resolving what might be a gambling addiction.
You could try to help him find help. It might be counseling, a support group, reading materials, etc. You bringing up this issue is not a “slap in the face,” it is addressing a real, significant problem. If the two of you are mature and serious about each other, you should be able to start working through it, rather than avoiding it.
Post # 16
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
@cassernova: What are the ways he is working on it? I don’t think you should leave it alone at all because this addiction will effect your future lives together and a possible marriage. I think if you really want to help the situation you have to make sure he gets proper help and you have to get involved if he tries to go anywhere where he can gamble. As in any addiction, he can relapse, except he will be paying with his lifes’ savings instead of his life (like with drug abuse). I think it is a very important thing to address since you guys are so young and you have many difficulties ahead (as any couple/relationship). Rght now he might be losing his money, but in the future it could be YOUR money. Money for your house, wedding, child, and other. I just want you to think about all that and know how much of an impact this situation can have.
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