- 6 years ago
first, I would like to say that im a regular bee posting under a new name to not be recognized
I dont really know how to say this so i guess i’ll come out with it, but i guess im not a happy person; I dont feel happy and I dont act happy. I feel like my whole life has been derailed and I cant seem to gain control. The really pathetic thing is that nothing even happened to me. so whats wrong with me you ask? I am SO jealous of everything I dont have and cant even be happy for the things i do have… ridiculous right?
ill start with the good stuff; Fi and I have been together for 5 years come this august, we’ve traveled a lot and even bought an aparment together, we have 2 wonderful cats and we have the wedding to look forward to in just shy of 8 months. Recently we have realized that we’re a little in over our heads in debt and have paid off a huge chunk of it in such a short time… also, we have decided when we would like to start TTC, which was really exciting for me.
So why am I so unhappy?
to put it bluntly………. im selfish! (its hurts to say it but I just realized it)
A little history,
Fi has 2 close (male) cousins, so close thir practically brothers. One of them is married and has been for over 2 years and has 2 adorable sons (him and his wife have been together for under 3 years). Fi’s other cousin is engaged to be married and just had his first baby girl 3 days ago (him and his fiance have been together for 2 years)…… My problem….. I am jealous! why do i have to wait so long!? whats wrong with me? I feel that its so hard to be happy for cousin and his new daughter because I dont have a baby, and i wont for at least another 2 years. they’re getting married so quickly and i had to wait 5 years! UGH! i feel like if Fi would have just Kicked his dad out before he did (long story), then i would have all these things and i would feel happy and not jealous. But is that really the fact? I’m also afraid that Fi and I will be “old news” by the time we get married and have babies because we will be the last ones.
Another thing is that all the friends i have now besides a couple of them, started off as Fi’s friends. I had to “randomly” choose bridesmaids for my wedding and 2 of my 4 girls seem like they could care less about me or helping me, or anything. All the girls that we hang out with dont seem interested in a bachelorette party either; this would be such a big deal to me if Fi and all his guy friends we’rent planning a big bash in vegas! i’m even Jealous of FI! I feel like i have no friends. no support, noone that cares.
I want to cry all the time. Even now.
I feel so lonely, so empty, So jealous, so uncontrolably selfish for not being able to show my happiness for others, so unhappy, and so worthless. I want to marry Fi so bad, I want to have a family with Fi so bad that its killing me (maybe even literally) that most days when I have these feelings, i feel like he would be better off without me. I feel like i’m standing in a huge room full of people and i’m screaming and nobody even notices.
I know I am the one in the wrong, i dont want to feel this way (i know Fi doesnt really understand because he cant relate), I really am happy for everyone (i feel this way or else i would be jealous… Im not mad at them, dont get me wrong, i dont hate anyone besides myself)
Well I have ranted again, now to you guys. I’ll stop…….
I guess i needed to get this off my chest.