Post # 1
I work as a nanny, and I feel as though my husband does not recognize this as a “real” job. I was unemployed for a year prior to taking this position, and my self-esteem was shot. Since starting this job 4 months ago my life feels so much brighter. I love the little baby I care for, and the entire family is just awesome and so kind to me. However, all of this positivity is often overshadowed by DH’s negativity.
He is much more career driven than I am, which I feel has a lot to do with it. But he is constantly trying to convince me to look for other jobs, jobs that I think he feels are more “valid ” careers for me. He doesn’t say this outright, but I’m pretty sure that is what he means. I LOVE my job and don’t want to actively pursue another, right now. Not to mention it would be pretty petty of me to leave this family high and dry just months after they hired me. They had a rough time finding a nanny, and I understand how integral it is for a family to find a nanny who they trust, and who works with their particular family dynamic. They are constantly telling me how grateful they are, and how comforting it is for them to know that their baby is being loved and cared for while they aren’t home.
This is not what I have a degree in, and maybe that is DH’s issue. I don’t know. It’s not that I don’t make decent money (for this particular job)…I work 33 hours a week (3 days/week) and make $2000 a month after taxes, which is extremely good for my area. The one concern that he may have that is true is that this job won’t last forever. However, we’ve always talked about me being a stay at home mom, and in a few years when we are ready to TTC, the little girl I care for will be starting school, so it could possibly be perfect timing. If not, I figure I’ll cross that bridge when I get there and start looking for a new job.
Sigh…sorry this got so long, I guess I’m just passionate about this subject lol. I just feel like DH is constantly picking at me about it, and I don’t know why I have to defend this career choice.
Post # 3
Could you try making a deal with him. Explain that most employers would look down on someone who got out of a job in a couple months. Maybe promise to look for a new job in a year, after you’ve established yourself at that job.
Or, you could try volunteering the field you want to go in to. For example, I am working one job, but I want to get in to volunteer organization. So I work for an animal rescue group as a volunteer coordinator and site manager. It doesn’t take up too much time and I get valuable experience in my field. Your Fiance may be more supportive of your decision to be a nanny if you are still “working” in your area.
Post # 4
@Miss Sorbet: Eek, that’s rough. I think that all of the reasons you put forth are valid. People do not have to go into jobs that follow their major, and many people don’t! And no job is guaranteed. As scary as it is, he could be terminated tomorrow, anyone could. I think that the next time he brings it up his unhappiness or hints at it in the round-about way that he has been, approach it directly (but not defensively). He may not even know that he’s doing it (Mr.ND has no idea how he comes across to me sometimes), or he may not be aware that it bothers you he says these things.
If you list out the reasons to him that you did for us, and let him know that you’re really loving this job, it’s good pay and great flexibility, preps you for your time as a parent/SAHM, etc, and that it bothers you to feel like it’s not valued by him, he may get it and knock it off. Also, you may both have different ideas of success (career vs happiness, $$ vs time flexibility, etc). Talking that out and recognizing (and appreciating) the differences you both have and how they both contribute to a healthy relationship and family may make him realize that things don’t need to be his version of good to still be good 🙂
Post # 5
Maybe he wants you to have a job that provides long term security and benefits like 401k, health insurance etc. being a nanny for that family isnt a long term position once their baby is old enough to go to school in a few years you might have to move on to another family. But The bottom line is you should do what makes you happy.
Post # 6
i make significantly less money than my fiance does, and i sometimes felt a little bit like you do. i also work in childcare, so i can definitely relate. are you living together? especially since you’re working three days a week, i’m sure that your contributions to the household are significant both financially and otherwise.
i have talked to my fiance about this before, and it turned out a lot of what i thought he felt about my career was actually in my own mind. i had some insecurities about being a college graduate with a bachelor’s degree and only making slightly above minimum wage. i think i was just projecting them on him.
it’s so nice to hear from someone else who enjoys their work in childcare. so many people don’t. if your job really matters as little to your fiance as you say, then take comfort in knowing that you have a tremendous impact on that little girl and her family. you’re right to take pride in what you do. best of luck!!
Post # 7
That is the trouble with working in human services. Very few people want to do it, its underpaid, long hours and everyone has an opinion about it.
If you enjoy what you are doing, then he needs to mind his business. You could always go to community college and get a degree in Early Childhood Development. Very few people can work with other people in such a caring capacity. You have to have the right personality for it.
Sorry, this is a touchy subject for me. I am a Teacher and people always have an opinion that i’m over paid and don’t work a lot, simply because they were students once. lol
Post # 8
Have you talked to your DH about this? Does he know how much you love your job? Does he know about your plans to be a SAHM? I think those are very big things that you need to talk to him about. He won’t know that his comments about you finding another job are hurting you unless you tell him. And if he doesn’t know that you want to be a Stay-At-Home Mom, then that’s a whole lot of trouble brewing when that time comes. Communication is key here!
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium
I understand where you’re coming from. I babysat through college and upon graduation, I found myself jobless. I became a full time nanny, and it was great. But, for me, I *knew” it wouldn’t be a career move. DH, at that point, BF was supportive of getting the bills paid, and we needed that income to do so. He knew how challenging it was, but like your Fiance, DH (to this day) is all about “working in your field.” Well… I still don’t! The fact is that many people end up with jobs that are not associated with their college degrees. And I think that’s okay. Seriously, though, props to you for paying taxes on your salary– it’s tough to figure out all the selfemployment stuff. And yes, that salary is nothing to sneeze at!
Honestly, he may not understand all that goes into being a nanny— it’s more than just playing with a happy kid. Do you tell him about your day? Does he listen? And I think it is an honor to be chosen by a family to spend such quality time with their child.
And… I work full time, office setting… and I kinda hate it. I wish I could go back to picnics in the park and playing at the mall. I’ve learned that my career isn’t as important as I thought it was, and I really want to be a mom.
I’m sorry that he’s unsupportive. I think you should be really clear about how much you enjoy it and what you actually do. And, if it makes you happy, he should be, too.
Post # 10
Ooh, I identify with your problem.
I had an ex that would always make little, snarky comments about my job (I’m a librarian, which I think is a very respectable job). He would actually say things like, “But you’re SO smart. You could get another degree and be making so much more money! I just don’t understand why you’d want to waste your life doing that”. Obviously, I don’t think education of children and getting resources and information into people’s hands are a waste.
So I dumped him.
But since your husband is your husband, I would sit him down and have a long, hard talk with him. Try to find the root of the problem. With my ex, it really did come down to money, which I think is ridiculous (and shallow). Maybe with your husband, he has money concerns about having to be the primary breadwinner while you (in his mind) work at a fun, low-stress, low-paying job. Maybe he resents that.
Or maybe he feels like you have more “potential” that to be “just a nanny”. And if that’s the case, you need to explain to him that you love it, that it’s an important job, etc.
Post # 11
Maybe he just wants you to be in a job that offers you more in terms of benefits (health insurance, 401k, etc).
Post # 12
I think this is definitely a factor.
I can see why he would feel this way because stability and practicality is extremely important to me. I would likely be uncomfortable with this as well. Maybe you should have a specific conversation about it with him. You might be surprised when you find out exactly how he feels and how much it could make sense to you. However, in the end, this is your choice.
Post # 13
Thanks so much for the wonderful replies, bees! I guess I just needed to get that off my chest and vent a little, and it was nice to get some outside perspective. I think that long-term stablilty is definitely one of the issues in his mind. We have had many, many discussions about me being a Stay-At-Home Mom once we have a baby, and we are both on the same page about that. His income will be enough to support us.
My income is certainly significantly lower than his, but I honestly don’t think that he considers that a problem.
I guess what bugs me is that he says that he would be okay if I weren’t working at ALL (financial aspect of it), but since I am working, he acts as though he would rather I be doing something else. I searched for a YEAR for a job in my field, applied for hundreds of jobs, went to dozens of interviews…nothing.
Stability is a concern of mine as well, it’s always in the back of my mind. Since I’m only working 3 days a week I’m also using this time to get my Master’s degree. Maybe that will help me find a job in the future…I know, I’ve always read that you shouldn’t get a Master’s only for that reason…but I have the time right now so I figure, why not.
I got 3 emails today that thanked me for applying to jobs that I didn’t know I applied for (he applied me)…and that irritates me. I sometimes feel like he tries to micro-manage my life…which is another issue in itself, I suppose.
Post # 14
He’s applying for jobs in your name?!?! That’s kind of crazy controlling. I think you guys really need to talk about this because that seems totally unacceptable.
Post # 15
Entirely agree. That’s super not okay
in my book. I think some serious conversations are in order, STAT.