(Closed) I feel like FMIL insinuates that I am not being generous enough with wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

No, you aren’t overreacting. It’s your wedding, and you and your mother are paying for it. If your Future Mother-In-Law wants these people there so badly, then she should pay for them to be there.

Post # 4
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@jackndiane: No, you’re not over-reacting.  I would have a chat with Fiance though, so that he is not saying “jackndiane” says this, but “we” have decided this., or “we” are at our max. 

Post # 5
Member
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

No.  And no explaination needed either.  Next time Future Mother-In-Law asks, tell your Fiance not to pin it on you either.  It should be a joint decision and he should her in a way that makes it clear that both you and he decided that there will be no B list and you have invited everyone you both want to already.

Post # 7
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@jackndiane: He may have not thought about it either, but if he starts now with “we” it will be more helpful to you should anything else come up that she is less than happy about. lol.

Post # 8
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Tell your fiance to pay for them.

Post # 9
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t think you are over reacting, but I’m curious how you came about your guest list. Did you assign everyone a number of people they can invite? If you did, just ask them who they would like to take off to make room.

Post # 11
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

No I don’t think you’re being unreasonable or overreacting, and it seems like you have a really good handle on your finances. It’s also silly to invite more people or do more at your wedding than you can afford. 

I see the possible bigger issue as the “”Jackndiane” versus “we” versus comment by your Fiance. If he isn’t clear on the budget and all the particulars about it, I think it’s a good idea to sit down and talk about it and why it is where it is and the importance of keeping costs within the budget responsibly. And even if he isn’t clear about why things are happening, going about things as a united front is still going to save you both some headaches (and fights!) in the long run. I have a difficult mom, and whenEVER she mentions anything about the wedding, Fiance and I try to make sure we always appear on the same side (even if we’re thinking in our heads…”wtf, when / why did he / she decide that??). It’s saved us a lot of trouble so far. 

Post # 13
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t think you’re overreacting when you feel annoyed at this whole situation.  I HATE it when I have a certain plan and other people try to change my plan. 

However, you could just let him make a B-list just to make him and his mom feel better and then nothing will happen when, after you get your RSVPs back, you’re already maxed out.  At least Future Mother-In-Law isn’t FORCING you to invite those people like…right NOW.  So it’s kind of like both sides winning.  Future Mother-In-Law thinks that she’s getting her way because those guests are on a “B-list” and you still win because you know that in all likeliness, you won’t have to invite them because you’ll already be at capacity! 

Post # 14
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@jackndiane: It sounds like FI is taking advantage of your mother’s generosity. She doesn’t HAVE to pay for anybody. If it is that important to him he should pay for it.

Post # 15
Member
1285 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I completely get it! We paid for our own wedding, my Darling Husband and his family had 144 people attend (about 90% had to travel) and I had 48 (only 12 of which traveled). To his parents, it was a status thing, they had to have a big, elaborate wedding, even if they weren’t paying for it. We even have to have a second reception with another 120 people to appease his mom (she paid for that one, but the morning after demanded all of the gifts as compensation).

The guest list is the hardest part of planning, and only you know what situation will work best (who pays and if it is acceptable to even tell his family to pay for their guests).

Just remember, that you are being as generous as you possibly can be (and i hope not going into debt!). You should feel very proud of yourself that you are contributing so much to your wedding! You must work very hard for your paycheck, and your FS is very lucky to have such a self reliant and kind hearted fiance.

Post # 16
Member
2086 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

I have never replied to a Save the Date aside from maybe writing a note in the online guestbook that was on the wedding website.

I agree with PPs about the united front. 🙂

 

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