(Closed) I feel like Husband is trying to get away from our life.

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 31
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

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sweetpink:  You need to find a trusted sitter.  You need to make time for the two of you.  You do seem resentful of the time he spends with his friends (do not put friends in quotations like you are saying they really aren’t his friends, that is very judgemental).  You both need alone and together time that does not involve your child.  I am sure that is very difficult to admit, but it is true.  So you need to work together on a schedule that works for all of you.  And start looking for a trusted sitter now.

Post # 32
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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sweetpink:  It sounds like you need to invest in a babysitter and spend some time together as a couple. You say you dont have one – but there are plenty of ways to find one. High school/college kids, local moms, etc. Use care.com, etc. to find a trusted sitter (they do background checks, etc). I looked at your past threads – do you still live with your parents? Can they babysit?

I think you need to look at it from your husband’s perspective. He works LONG shifts that are overnight – that has to be exhausting and tiresome (I’m assuming hes in a hospital setting if hes working those long overnight shifts). The rest of the time, he has the baby. I honestly dont see any issue with him using the gym daycare at all.

Everyone needs alone time. You two need to work on communicating your needs and figure out times when you can have some alone time without the baby and maybe without each other (which is totally normal and healthy). If he wants to hang out with his friends, great. If you want to go have a mani/pedi done, even better. You need to learn to provide the other with some free time and also find alone time as a couple.  

Post # 33
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If your H is a nurse, chances are he works beyond the 12 hr shift. I think you’re being unreasonable to expect him to watch the baby all the time when he is off work. There’s nothing wrong with putting the baby in daycare so he can have a break – or you could both do something together. My niece and nephews went to daycare bc my sister worked. They are great kids. If he goes and works out with people you don’t know, so what? I think there’s something more going on here, you’re either jealous of his schedule or resentful of him. 

Post # 34
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I agree with all the others, I don’t think he is being unreasonable. It does not matter at all all that you do not know these people. Adults are allowed to make new friends. Lots of full-time SAHP’s I know of use full time daycare 1-2 days a week so they can get other stuff done (errands, housecleaning) or socialize a bit without having to worry about watching or lugging children around, so I am not surprised that someone who works 12 hour shifts and takes care of the baby during the day might want the same now and then. It would also be perfectly reasonable for you to have a sitter some nights so you can do YOUR own thing. 

But ultimately, going by your past posts, you both have a lot of issues going on with communication. I mean, you mentioned in one post you could not even talk to him about having his grandmother staying over. That is just not healthy in a marriage, at all. Are you still living with your parents?

You two need to be in marriage counseling to learn how to communicate with each other and discuss expectations and so on, and to bring out what I think are some significant underlying issues and resentments. The sooner the better.

 

 

Post # 35
Member
2956 posts
Sugar bee

I vote full time day care. And I also vote that if he has his free time during the week, he focuses on family time on the weekend.

Post # 37
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

If you are living with your parents and you both work, you can afford daycare. Where does your money go?!?

Post # 39
Member
1619 posts
Bumble bee

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sweetpink:  She wasn’t attacking you.  She was asking a question and a very good one at that.  You say that you are saving up and trying to pay your debt down and that is why your H does not want to move to an apartment yet.  So am I safe to assume that if you did move to an apartment that you would have to be the “normal” rate for things, as opposed to maybe a lesser amount that your parents charge?  Because if the cost of living would stay the same whether you lived with your parents or in your own place then I really don’t see what you are gaining from living with your parents, except a headache.

Post # 40
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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sweetpink:  you sound very upset and when you say you’re “desperate” it alarms me. Please call a hotline to talk to people who can actually help you and direct you to resources to help.

Your situation sounds very challenging and frankly your husband’s unilateral decision making would piss me off to no end. I also think what he’s doing is pulling away when you need support, so again I suggest you get that support elsewhere. He is never going to be that person, and frankly he has always been selfish based on your posts and his failure to care much about your input. Take care of yourself.

Post # 41
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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sweetpink:  I was not attacking you. i truly do not understand why you aren’t getting help with childcare. I assume you must be saving some amount of $$ by living with your parents or you would have your own apartment, since you seem to find your living conditions frustrating. I’m not going to engage with you anymore because you don’t seem interested in advice, but I will say that ignoring your husband’s legitimate need for some social time is at your peril. 

Post # 42
Member
6369 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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sweetpink:  Wait, if you live with your parents, why do you have no help with childcare? Do your parents refuse to watch your daughter? That is very strange to me. If you live with them, I’m sure sometimes you could leave her at home with your parents and go off and have alone time/date night, etc. 

Post # 43
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Living with your inlaws can be tough so maybe your husband just needs space and downtime and this is how he’s getting it? I think looking into some kind of daycare would be good for both of you or maybe leave the baby with your parents so you and your husband can take some time to reconnect On the regular.

Post # 44
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee

Hmm.. I don’t think you are understanding what posters are saying. Do you ever do things by yourself? No husband, no baby, just you? Many people need alone time away from their families to recharge. This is why your husband wants to do things without you. He is not wrong for wanting this. I really suggest you try making alone time for yourself too. Maybe try taking a fitness class or pick up a hobby. 

Post # 45
Member
4451 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If yoiu live with your parents why can’t they watch the baby for an hour or so, or work out something like: “we will make dinner for you on Sundays if you watch the baby every other Saturday so we can have a date night”.

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