(Closed) I feel like Husband is trying to get away from our life.

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 46
Member
2021 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

What is so complicated about feeding and giving baby a bath?

Post # 50
Member
9436 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Reading through all of these posts, it sounds like you and your H really need to 1) go to therapy because I don’t think you are communicating well (you don’t seem to be listening to your husband’s needs but he clearly isn’t listening to yours either) and 2) figure out a better schedule that isn’t just work and baby. You sound very overwhelmed and I think daycare, if you can afford it, could really help alleviate some of these problems. It’s normal and healthy to want a life outside of your baby and relationship. Your husband is not wrong for wanting that. And you aren’t wrong for wanting to reconnect as a couple. But it sounds like you aren’t making time for either of those things to happen so both of you are unhappy.

Post # 51
Member
4456 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OK, so you need to cut things.

Cut cable or phone plans, cut extra expenses, don’t get your nails done, do something, so you can save money for childcare. 

Post # 52
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
sweetpink:  Since you’re living with your parents, I can totally see why your husband would need time to “get away”.

Working overnight shift is really tough.  My SO works in healthcare (rotating shifts, including overnights) and he said overnights can be incredibly draining, not just physically, but mentally.  If your husband comes home and has to watch the baby right away, when does he sleep?  I am assuming he tries to keep a “normal” schedule on his days off, which is also hard because your circadian rhythm gets messed up. (My SO also tries to keep a normal schedule when he doesn’t work nights; he usually needs a day to completely recover after an overnight shift).  So I think unless you’ve worked it, you really need to cut him some slack.

I am generally of the mindest of “whatever works” (obviously within reason) when you have kids.  If you need to put her in day care for a short time, then do it.  Your husband must think you can afford it if he’s the one that brought it up.

My Brother-In-Law went through something similar after my sister had their second child.  He met some new friends and discovered what it was like to be “free”.  He is a physician so he spent years in college then med school and residency so he felt like he has missed out on so much because he spent all his time studying.  He and my sister talked a lot about it and they agreed on a schedule that worked for them.  He still gets his nights out with the guys, and she gets her time too.

I think you guys need to talk some more. 

Post # 54
Member
9436 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

That’s a big red flag to me. I think you need to be really honest with him and when he says everything is fine you need to respond with “You are not listening to me, everything is not fine.” It sounds like you need to be very direct with him about these issues because it sounds like there is a lot of miscommunication in your relationship. No relationship can last if the communication sucks.

Post # 56
Member
841 posts
Busy bee

Why don’t you bring your child and go with your husband on an occasional luncheon with his new group of friends? You wouldn’t need a sitter and you get to spend sometime with your husband. 

Post # 57
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
sweetpink:  You’re absolutely right, he is trying to get away. He works outside the home a total of 108 hours a month (36 hrs wk with an extra week off every 3) whereas you work 180 hours a month (45 hr/wk)  Ummm WTF! 

I woud point out the work out discrepency immediately. What a load of garbage he’s trying to pull on you. Sorry he’s feeling the strain of being a dad but that comes with the territory!

Post # 58
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Cellar 222

I guess I’m in the minority but I think he’s being really unfair to you. You work more hours a week than he does and at least from what you’re telling us it seems like he’s so focused on himself being stressed and overworked he’s not ever considering that you are as well. I also think it’s kind of funny that his idea of free time never includes a date night or time alone with you but only going out with friends. It’s like he’s feeling sour about having a child and blaming you for being exhausted when it takes two to tango.

I’d invest in daycare but he should know that doing so doesn’t mean he gets to go back to a carefree lifestyle. If he wanted that he shouldn’t have gotten married or had a kid.

 

Post # 59
Member
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
sweetpink:  Reading your responses to the advice given makes me think what you really want is to connect with you DH. Unfortunately, I think the way you are going about it is pushing him away (e.g. getting on to him about his free time). I wonder if resolving the intimacy problems in your relationship would it solve a lot of this. The question is how are you going to get that connection and intimacy? I agree with the majority of the the posts that a) you both need your own space hobbies b) you need more daycare to make time alone possible c) you need to spend time together as a couple without baby d) most importantly you need to find a way to communicate with DH whether that be through counseling or learning how to from a self-help/relationship book

Post # 60
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Yeah, as someone whos worked nights, I think hes being an ass. Yes, nights are draining, yes, he probably should be sleeping instead of taking care of the baby during the day (so some type of better child care schedule needs to be done).Yes, he needs alone time, especially since he lives with his in laws. HOWEVER, the big concern is that hes completely ignoring that his wife is literally doing the same thing as him. Working all day and coming home to take care of baby, then sleeping. At least with his schedule, he does get a good amount of days off (about 3 to 4 every week, then an additional week every thrid week). He has time to have free time already. OP has essentially none and yet hes the one still whining about it. Nope. No. Nope.

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