(Closed) I feel like Husband is trying to get away from our life.

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 61
Member
2156 posts
Buzzing bee

to be perfectly honest, it sounds like you and your DH didn’t really think through the reality of having a baby before you decided to do so. the reality is that babies are a lot of time and/or money. either you have to give them all your time, or you have to cough up the money to someone else to watch them so that you can have a life. it sounds like you’re now facing the situation of ‘i want my baby and my life back and don’t want to pay for it’. parenthood is sacrifice anyway you cut it.

yes, he’s running away from your life – which, with his schedule sounds reasonable. and no, you shouldn’t be left to pick up all the childcare duties and have no life of your own. you need to find some balance/compromise here. what you’re doing now is clearly not working and going to tear apart your marriage. get to counseling and get this worked out.

Post # 62
Member
6369 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

You need to firmly and directly tell your husband that he is not listening to you. Things are NOT fine, no matter what he thinks. Maybe he is perfectly happy, but you are not. That is a problem. You need to tell him that it is a problem. Don’t let him get away with not listening to your needs and feelings. 

Post # 63
Member
4980 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

 

sweetpink:  Um your child is not to “little” to go to daycare.  Seriously? You do realize a lot of women go back to work as little as 8 weeks or less sometimes and said child tends to go to daycare.  My child went to daycare when he was at the 12 week mark and technically gestestional wise he was much younger than that because I had him almost 2 months early. 

It sounds like you and your DH need to sit down and have a serious talk. I do agree with PP you both need me time however both of you are being asshats on it.  Either that or go together and talk to someone who can help you two figure this out.

Post # 64
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

As a nurse who works 12 hour night shifts, I can tell you that it is an exhausting job. Even on your days off you’re still sleep deprived from switching back and forth from being awake all night to being awake all day, with the end result that you never seem to get enough sleep. It’s like asking a person who works 9-5 to stay up ALL night several times a week. You want your husband to hear and validate your concerns. You also need to do the same for him. It’s clear that childcare responsibilities in addition to work responsibilities and your living situation is wearing you both down. Understand that he’s stressed too and attempt to find a solution instead of resenting him. Childcare seems like the obvious solution. You both work full time, so expecting one parent to bear the greater childcare load seems unreasonable. 

Post # 65
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Personally, staying home with a baby would be more stressful to me than working but your husband is doing both! Honestly, I’d probably feel the same way he is or even worse (but that’s why I’m CFBC). I think you need to look into childcare ASAP!

Post # 66
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

I honestly can’t believe how many posters seem to be under the illusion that a man can’t work and look after HIS OWN baby on his days off.

My blood boiled while reading some of the replies. Why should a baby be put into full time daycare just so he can run off with his mates? Yes, everyone should have ‘me time’ but as you grow up your priorties change. 

Some call it not wanting to lose his identity but the way i see it he’s a selfish pig. 

Post # 67
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee

It seems you guys are in a pickle their is no way I would be living at home with my parents in a hostile situation also you have excuse after excuse take other bees advise and get childcare and a sitter and take that time for you and your husband. If this keeps up you will push your husband further away and their is NO type that falls under a cheater, any man or woman can cheat the ones you least expect. So don’t think your husband can’t.

Post # 68
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe put your kid to bed earlier than 10:30? That seems super late to me. Our 13 month old goes to bed at 7pm. We get lots of alone time in the evenings, and if you wanted to go out you could, your parents would be home but not really “watching” the baby, unless he wakes up.

Post # 69
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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bdjhxo:  it’s not his days off. If I worked all night and had to take care of a baby when I got home after a 12 hour shift with no sleep….well, I would hope the baby survived but I can’t say i would be the best caretaker. 

Post # 70
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

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Kaymar:  i fully agree that people need a good sleep after doing nightshift but what’s getting me is the fact that he already goes out and meets up with his friends yet is wanting to put the baby into daycare more often not so he can spend more time with his wife but so he can go out even more with his friends.

Plus he’s not the only person who works, look at how many hours she puts in each week yet he’s the one complaining and most of the posters are on his side so to speak.

 

Post # 71
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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bdjhxo:  45 hours is a regular work week. In another post she said she works 8:30-5:00 and if she has lunch, that’s more than reasonable. 

Post # 72
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

My point is they both work but she does more hours per week than him, he meets up with friends regularly and from what I’ve read her only ‘me time’ is once a month when she gets her nails done. 

I’m having a hard time understanding why they should put their baby into daycare full time just so his social life can grow even more than it already has. 

 

Post # 73
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - St. John\'s Lutheran Church

Wait, so you live with your parents but they a) charge you rent, b) don’t watch your kid, and c) don’t give you any privacy? I know that’s not what your thread is about, but… why the heck do you live with them, then???

Post # 74
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee

To me, the problem here is that he wants more time to socialize and have a break, and you’re not getting any breaks between work and childcare. You need “me time,” too. It also doesn’t sound like living at your parents’ house is doing much for you, either. People usually live with their parents so they don’t have to pay rent, or so they’ll get free childcare, and you’re getting neither. I would reconsider if it’s really worth it, or if moving out might take some of the stress off your relationship. Sounds like you need to have an honest and open conversation with him about these issues.

Post # 75
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Outdoor

View original reply
beebee1983:  You’re right, 10:30 is a super late bedtime- all of my parenting books and ECD books say to put them down for the night between 6 & 8. This is probably a huge contributer as to why the baby is “so cranky in the afternoon” as OP put it.

Also, am I right in reading that the husband works 12 hour nights and then has to pick up the baby by noon from the half day of daycare on the mornings after his shift? No wonder he goes to the gym after work, he probably has to keep himself from passing out! I honestly wonder when the guy sleeps. I don’t know if it is 3 days stacked (like mon tues wed) or spread out (like mon wed friday) but either way, the man needs to sleep. It doesn’t sound like he gets to sleep when OP gets home from work either because they apparently do stuff with the baby and she is cranky etc. 

And then the OP stays up until after midnight and gets up at 5- so basically this entire family is chronically sleep deprived- mom, dad, and baby.

The topic ‘I feel like Husband is trying to get away from our life.’ is closed to new replies.

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