Post # 1
So my original plan was to have “The talk” after our vacation in April if he hasn’t propsed by then. I was kind of thinking that it may be better to have it beforehand though, not only because our vacation would be the PERFECT time to propose, but also because I feel like I’m bursting at the seams and just want to get the weight off my chest.
As far as what I should say? I’m clueless. I’ve always been able to articulate myself well, but better in writing than verbally. I guess I just want to let him know how much I love him and how happy he makes me and that I want us to take the next step together. The problem is, he’s kind of difficult to talk to when it comes to serious matters. He automatically gets defensive (for example, last month I was telling him I’d like some romance here and there and the first words out of his mouth were “Every time I think you’re happy, you tell me you’re not.”) So I’m afraid of him saying “So you’re not happy the way things are?” I know I’m gonna have to drive home that the reason I want to get married is becuase he’s making me SOOO happy. And the other thing is he responds very negatively to pressure and likes to do things at his own pace. So pretty much, I’m gonna have to do this without a boatload of pressure and so he doesn’t feel like I’m unhappy. UGH this is gonna be hard.
Those of you who have had this conversation successfully, what did you say? What was his reaction?
(Background info: Dating almost 4 years, living together 9 months. Talked about marriage and how it’s our goal before moving in, but no other talks since then. My age is 27, his is 36. We pretty much already live like we’re married aside from financials- our stuff is separate.)
Post # 3
I think you should just have a really calm talk about what his personal timeline is and why, and then state what your thoughts are and why. Start off with something like “When we moved in together, we discussed marriage, and i’ve been thinking about our future a lot lately. Do you have a timeline in mind?”
Definitely don’t do it on the vacation. Also, just because he doesn’t like pressure doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be honest and open with him about the most important step in your relationship. It’s your life and your relationship, too. You get a say in it. The timeline isn’t only up to him.
Post # 4
I agree with crayfish. Just talk about it calmly and let him know that you love him and that’s why you want to go to the next step with him.
Also, don’t expect it on your vacation, guys never seem to like to do it at the time we think it is “perfect”.
Post # 5
@crayfish: I guess his ex-wife had pressured him into marriage and she told him she wanted a divorce 2 years after they married which was 3 months after they had a child. Yikes. I think that’s one of the reasons why he’s so resistant to pressure- he wants to make sure he he 100% wants to do everything that he commits to doing. But I definitely agree with the point you made which is why I still want to initiate the talk with him- I have every right to make my wants and needs in the relationship known. (And I shouldn’t be punished for what the ex-witch did to him, either.) I just know that I have to do it in a way that doesn’t trigger any feelings of pressure. Hopefully I’ll be able to “plant the seed” and see if it grows.
Post # 6
@MrsSaltWaterTaffy: Yeah, I’m really trying not to place expectations of a proposal for on our vacation…its Atlantic City, NJ, which may not seem like the most glamourous place but we had an absolutely incredible time last year (we called it our moving-in honeymoon! Casinos, luxury rooms, shopping, the ocean, and only a 4 hour drive…it’s our perfect place! ). It sounds odd, but it’s hard to think of of him proposing anywhere but Atlantic City given that we talked about how great of a time we had last year for 6 months after it and have been talking about how much fun we’ll have again 6 months prior to this year’s trip.
Honestly, he could propose to me with a ring pop in our place and I would still be elated, but I know him and I know he’s gonna shoot for some kind of special night at a special place. Oh Jeez, he better not be planning it for our 2012 vacation!!