Post # 1
My good friend is getting married. Actually a few of us are getting married. I love her with all my heart. She is the type that has to be in a relationship and after a month she is always talking marriage. Well, this time they are getting married. Everyone including her parents are not happy with this. Her Fiance hasn’t work from day one and she has to pay for every single thing. The part that I hate the most is that he has a child whose mother isn’t receiving child support because he doesn’t work.
We all have one live to life and I understand that she has made a decision about wanting to marry him and that I have to respect that and I have. When she calls me crying because he didn’t come home I just listen to her and I don’t say anything negative about him. He has slept out before came home like 4 the next afternoon, she’s crying and all upset then he apologizes and then does it the next night again. I still just keep all my negative thoughts to myself. In other aspects of her life if I don’t agree with something she says or does I voice my opinion but when it comes down to her in relationships I just keep my thoughts to my self. My friend makes a lot of money and I think that is what he is after.
My friend doesn’t have a filter on her mouth and his family doesn’t want him to marry her just as much as her family doesn’t want her to marry him. I’m getting married next year and Fiance and I are on a very tight budget. With rates being so low, we are trying to invest in some rental property as oppose to having a huge, huge wedding. Well, I called my friends mom to ask her about details about her shower and all that stuff and her mom started asking me about my wedding and stuff like that. Her mom asked if she could be completely honest with me and I told her yes. She said told me not to waste my money on gifts and outfits for me and my Fiance and plane tickets because its all fake. She said that my friend has been crying to her that she really doesn’t want to marry him anymore but because its only a month away she is still going through with it.
My friend is tough when it comes to everything except relationships. She has to have someone in her life. She has had to be admitted to the hospital before because of a break up. So everyone in her family is kind of scared to pressure her to not do it.
Now, I really don’t want to spend the money to go to the wedding. Fiance and I will end up spending around $2000 for air fare, hotel accomodations, transportation and a present. Would I be a bad friend for not attending because of what her mom told me? I know my friend is unhappy but I am just lost at what to do. We could do a lot with that 2k. What would you guys do in my shoes? She did tell me that his family will not be attending because they think they are rushing it.
Post # 3
You should call your friend and explain your concerns.
Post # 4
I think you need to have a heart to heart with her
Post # 5
@hotstepmom: I’ve been going back and forth on this a little and have come to this conclusion: go. So what if her marriage doesn’t last. So what if she calls it off at the last minute. So what if she goes through with it and they have a happy marriage after all. At least you will have upheld some integrity here and followed through with attending and being there for her, if she is as good as friend as you say. Further, if you really are a friend, and you know she is wavering and needing some honest insight, this might just be your time to help her see the light in how sad she really is. It isn’t about pointing out the negatives in him or their relationship–she knows. It is probably more about her needing permission to move on at this late stage in the planning process.
Post # 6
I think you should talk to her and be honest about your thoughts on her relationship. I was in a horrible relationship for years and finally some of my friends just couldn’t deal with my constant taking up for my loser ex and making excuse after excuse for his behavior. They were honest with me, told me how they felt about him and how I really and truly deserve so much better. Of course I got angry and just defended him to them even more, but deep down I knew they were telling the truth. I noticed after that I didn’t see them as much, unless it was without him. I finally got the courage to leave him and move out and instead of hearing “I told you sos” from them, they were there, supporting me as I left a 9 year relationship and moved on with my life and moved away from the state I had called home all my life.
Fast forward 7 years to today and here I am months away from my wedding. I’m marrying the guy perfect for me, the guy I DO deserve and those same friends will be there with genuine smiles on their faces, truly happy for me. I’m thankful they were true friends to me and gave me their honest input, even though it must have been difficult for them to do so.
Post # 7
I don’t know what to say to her. She is very fragile when it comes to topics concerning her relationships. She called me crying tons of times but she has never said she doesn’t want to marry him so I can’t bring it up because her mom told me in confidence. I’ve asked her little questions like what is it about him that you think you can’t live without? I’ve asked her what little things does he do to make her all fuzzy inside and all she does is cry. She admits that they rushed into the wedding stage and that they should’ve gotten to know each other better but she is convinced that this is just the part of the relationship where they are getting to know each other and that after they get married things are going to get better.
Since I’m getting married as well, I don’t want her to feel like I want to be happy and I don’t want her to be happy. At a time like this you tend to blame everyone around you and not look at things objectively. She is my friend and I want to be there for her no matter what but money is so tight. I guess I can go without Fiance. If this were any other topic I would’ve voiced my concerns a long time ago but she is so weak when it comes to relationships. I really hate this.
Post # 8
@Cornflakegirl: I think this is really good advice. She needs a friend right now.
Next time she calls, tell her that you’re worried and ask her if she’s happy. Don’t point out her FIs flaws, but focus on her and her happiness. If she decides to go ahead with the wedding, be there as her friend. If, god forbid, it doesn’t last, then be there to pick up the pieces. Being a friend isn’t always easy, but she sounds like she needs you more than she is ready to admit.
Post # 9
If you don’t want to spend the money, don’t. Let her know you are happy for her and celebrating from afar and you will take them out to celebrate after the wedding. I personally wouldn’t spend $2000 on the situation you described with my own wedding coming up shortly.
Post # 10
First, I think you really should talk to her and make sure you keep doing like you have been and focus on her and her own happiness. I would also drive home the fact that big issues like this don’t just disappear after a wedding. It might seem terrible to bing up, but has she signed a prenup? Its sounds like she could really use one.
As far as travel plans are concerned, maybe you could plan to go by yourself. Even if you’ve bought your plane ticket and they call off the wedding, she probably will still need a friend to lean on when The Day That Could Have Been rolls around… Maybe also ask if there are any other OOTers that you could room with to cut costs too.