Post # 1
Another regular Bee undercover. I just need to get this off my chest since I don’t feel comfortable talking to siblings or close friends about this.
To make a long story short: my fiance is into oral sex – both giving and receiving. I’ve never been a fan of giving and could honestly go without receiving. And we don’t do it very often, which is where my problem comes in.
I’ve known from the very start of our relationship (3+ years) that my SO wants me to work up to swallowing. I had initially said that I’d try, but now, I really don’t want to. Just the thought of doing that makes me want to gag. The whole process is unpleasant to me, makes me feel humiliated, and adds no satisfication to my sex life. However, my fiance’s said that this is an integral part of sex for him and he “can’t live without it,” (to which I say “whatevs.” Ok. So I’m a little bitter).
So now my fiance’s putting a lot of pressure on me to do it. And tonight, less than an hour ago, he tells me that this is going to drive a wedge into our relationship and I’d have to explain to people why we broke up and called off the engagement. How he’s disappointed that I don’t value him enough to do this for him. How I’m placing my “sexual hangups” above his sexual and overall satisfaction.
My response was that I’m a grown woman and will not be made to do something that I don’t want to do. I told him that he obviously doesn’t value the rest of our relationship if he’s willing to call things off over this one thing. I get that couples need to be sexually compatible, but seriously? He “can’t live” without oral sex? I’m not buying it, I feel like he’s trying to bully and manipulate me into doing something that I don’t want to do under the guise of saving our relationship. The fact that he insists on me doing something that he KNOWS I’m uncomfortable with makes me feel that he doesn’t care about my feelings at all.
Anyway, I just needed to get this out. I don’t know if there’s really any advice that anyone can give. We’ve in the past discussed seeing a sex therapist, but that idea hasn’t gone anywhere.
So now I get to add this to my list of stressors for the week. Just great…..
Post # 3
I don’t really feel like I can give legit advice, but I do feel like there is some room for compromise and open communication.. that latter is what you two seem to have.
Post # 4
sounds like a d-bag to me… not sure what advice to give other than make sure he realizes that what he is doing is manipulation. Does he know that you feel degraded doing it? Maybe you can have him describe the power/emotional aspect of it for him and then if you explain it from your perspective it might help you figure out how to talk about it more going forward.
If it were me I’d be out of there (of course easier said than done)- that’s disrespectful and in my opinion bordering on rape since he is threatening you basically
Post # 5
@blueskye: I agree. I don’t think that whether you swallow should be a huge factor in his satisfaction but I think he’s likely being serious. I do, however, think its wrong the way he’s approaching you. It sounds like you guys really need to discuss this…
Post # 6
Oh dear. I am really sorry you are going through this!
It is VERY unfair of him to put this sort of pressure on you – he IS bullying you. The fact that it revolves around sex is especially concerning; it’s not like he’s pressuring to try golf, let’s say, cause it’s his favorite hobby. If you’ve been clear about the fact that you don’t enjoy this and that it makes you feel degraded, he should 100% respect that. This is definitely a red flag and you’re spot on; the fact that he’s trying to scare you into doing this by threatening the end of the relationship is extremely manipulative.
I know it’s probably hard to even consider, but I would really think about your future with this man. What would happen if at some point, due to being sick, feelings during pregnancy, whatever, your feelings about your intimacy changed? Would he bully you then? He’s not respecting you in a very personal, intimate, way and this could mean danger for the road ahead. I would suggest to take a step back, think about all of it, and perhaps even seek counseling for yourself to sort through your feelings.
Good luck to you girl. You don’t deserve to be bullied by your man, by this or by any other thing (even golf!).
Post # 7
I think that this could become other things. Bullying you into doing something, anything, you are not comfortable with is not good. Red flag.
Post # 10
This is hard. I ould try to discuss with him why you dont want to do it and try to find solutions. It sounds like there are hurt feelings on both sides. Maybe see a sex therapist even for one meeting?
Post # 11
I would be interested to see which he really can’t live without: you, or getting head.
Post # 12
I also agree that a woman should never be made to do anything she wants to do, but I think this 3 years thing is probably a factor. OP- I’m not insinuating that you purposefully strung him along, saying you’d do it, but he communicated in the beginning that it’s something he needs. Edit: and you initially agreed to work towards it. Some girls need certain things to feel satisfied too. Is there any chance that he’s more upset that he thinks he was lied to/strung along until you got what you wanted (a proposal, something else)?
Again, I’m not in any way insinuating that you did this on purpose, and you ABSOLUTELY have a right to change your mind on something that you thought you might have been comfortable with. I’ve had similar changes of heart with sex-related things. I’m just trying to play devil’s advocate- it might be a bigger issue with his feelings that needs to be addressed.
Either way, he’s still handling it like a man-child and needs to grow up and communicate the real issue at hand, if there is one.
Post # 13
Um. Your fiance is acting like a bully and a jackass. I thought this kind of pressure was only supposed to happen in high school?? And then we would have been a chorus of voices telling you to dump his ass.
And for the record, I love to give oral sex, and I always swallow. So what I’m saying here comes from someone who has no personal stake in this at all.
Your Fiance needs to grow the eff up. Bullying you and saying that you will eventually break up over this will never get you to feel comfortable enough to do it. The fact that you said you feel “humiliated” by oral sex and swallowing is understandable because HE MAKES IT THAT WAY. Because you don’t want to do it but you feel like you must and get no sympathy from him whatsoever. HE IS MAKING IT WORSE. The fact is, you never liked it–had you initially done it a lot and then it tapered off I could see him being upset and trying to encourage more oral sex….but that isn’t the case!
If oral sex is a deal-breaker for him then fine. He has to make that decision. But he has to treat you with more respect if he wants to be getting oral sex from YOU…if oral sex matters more to him than you do, then he should leave. And I’m INFURIATED that he told you you’d need to explain a break up as being because you wouldn’t go down on him—how about it being because he couldn’t be bothered to work on working through it with you so that you don’t feel humiliated and he cared more about a blowjob than his fiancee?!?!?!
You have every right to refuse any sexual act that you don’t want to be a part of–particularly one that seems to affect you on more than a “oh i don’t feel like it” level. However, if you want to try to change how oral sex makes you feel so that you can ENJOY giving (or at least not dislike it) then your Fiance needs to get on board with being kind, empathetic, and a PARTNER in this process with you. There are a lot of great resources for learning to love this particular sex act, and speaking with a therapist (or sex therapist) might be helpful. If you’re willing to try it, it can be very succesful in making you feel more comfortable with the act. Many women are uncomfortable with giving at first but work through it–but it’ll never happen if your Fiance is making you associate oral sex with breaking up/threats/ultimatums/DISRESPECT.
Post # 14
Ok whoa. That’s def not okay. There’s more to this than just the matter at hand. “swallowing” is not the reason he’s can’t be sexually satisfied, plenty of women DON’T, but still service their man. It sounds to me that he has no feelings regarding you feeling degraded by this. Is this really the kind of charactar you want to marry? I’m sorry to sound harsh but geez-He threatened to break off the relationship because you don’t like to swallow, and actually said it would be up to you to explain why it ended. 100% get into counceling or get out-
Post # 15
He is being unrealistic and childish. Sexual and relationship satisfaction does not have to be based upon one single sexual act. (And this is coming from someone who loves giving oral sex….if my Fiance made me feel like I had to give him one, I’d tell him to go shit in a bucket.)
Do NOT let anyone threaten you or do anything you are not comfortable doing. Threatening is not a loving act. Do I think you guys could reach a compromise? Sure, but don’t let him throw around this load of crap that he can’t live without a BJ. For christs’ sake.
Post # 16
Seriously this is nuts. I love oral sex giving and recieving and it would be a bit hard for me to sallow(no pun intended) if my Fi didn’t do it. However that being said I DO NOT SALLOW FOR ANYONE AND YOU SHOULDN’T IF YOU DON’T WANT TOO. Your Fi sound emotionally abusive and manipulative and he had to explain his dbag actions to everyone not you. I think for the sake of your sexlife there is a give a take, and sometimes we can do things we don’t like for our partners they in turn have accept since we don’t like it that it not going to happe nall the time, and then there are things like sallow which should be a hard limit. You said no and you under no obligation. I hate the texture and it makes me want to gag, and i would have issues with my Fi trying to force me to sallow. All of this is Tmi, but just wanted you to know!