(Closed) I Feel Like I’m Being Bullied Into Giving Oral Sex

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 167
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@txbella:  But… She said she would give head, just not swallow. The man is getting his. He’s able to reach orgasm. Whatever his issue is, it isn’t stopping him from blowing his load. 

Post # 168
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@Sunfire:  Just to set the record straight, my husband has not and would not ever do that to me.  He was talking about what goes through a man’s brain, not how he acts toward women.  He loves me far too much to treat me like that.  

Post # 169
Member
1388 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@bookworm88:  Well apparently people are taking this a lot more seriously than I was, given that I’ve apparently offended you. I’m not generalizing all men. But I can speak from years of reading evloutionary psychology and human sexuality books. Take what I say less personally. It’s a forum. I have said nothing with the intent to offend anyone, and earlier clearly specified that I was playing Devil’s Advocate.

I apologize if that sounded rude, but as an adult I do not need disciplined though the internet.

Post # 170
Member
3230 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

OP: My husband and I have had similar conversations b/c neither of us really enjoy doing it, but we enjoy receiving.

We talked about this in detail, because oral sex is important to him, so we kind of set an “amount” as to how frequent we would do it. There are the given: birthdays, anniversary. But also he asked that I do it randomly sometimes. Now we are both happy with the frequency of giving/ receiving.

What about if you talked to your Fiance and agree on doing it a certain amount of times, like say once out of every 10 times you have sex?

Also, on the swallowing that would be another issue, I couldn’t do it, and it sounds like you can’t either. So since you are willing to compromise on performing oral sex on him, he needs to compromise about the no swallowing.

Post # 171
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee

There is a huge difference with your Fiance ejaculating all over your face and you swallowing after you just gave him a blow job. It is definitly not the same thing.

 

Post # 172
Member
389 posts
Helper bee

@mandypop: Yes, 1000% on this. I also get tired of the posts that claim every guy who ever expressed himself in a less-than-mature manner is the next horrible abuser. Of course, some of the same posters will make excuses for a woman who does it because “it happens to us all sometimes.” Yes, it does happen to us all – men included.

I’ll also add a personal experience that I didn’t even think of until your post from a guy’s perspective. I entered a relationship where a guy was into some sexual acts I had never tried before. I promised him that I would give them a try because it was something important to him. Longterm, there was no way he would go without it. I tried it and enjoyed it more than I imagined, but I also needed some attention the way I wanted it and was used to it. He said he would, but it always ended up back to his favored positions and acts. This was actually the reason I broke up with him. I knew that he wasn’t as willing to compromise as he thought he was when we started talking about the intimate side of our relationship. I’ll add that I do believe he was honest during these conversations. I truly believe that he thought he would be more willing to change things up to what I liked and knew, and just like the OP, he seemingly changed his mind. Since it was something important to me, I knew it wouldn’t work out for the long haul and ended the relationship before it got really serious.

I’ll also add that rather than throwing around claims that he was somehow taking advantage of me/manipulating me/trying to control me/whatever, we are still friendly. We connected on Facebook, and we sometimes chat. Just because we weren’t sexually compatible didn’t mean we couldn’t maintain a friendship that we developed before we got into a relationship.

Post # 173
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

@jayebaby:  i read her post, i mentioned being sexually satisfied. if hes satisfied with what shes is doing there would be no argument, he is not satisfied that she wont finish* the job so to speak. sounds like she agreed to in the beginning but changed her mind later, which is where the conflict lies now.

Post # 174
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsFuzzyFace:  I feel that it’s insulting to men to assume they feel the need to assert power and control just because they like seeing cum on a woman’s face.  I would never have imagined that. 

I am very, very glad my FI also does not see it as being that way.

Post # 175
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@mandypop: I also hate that everyone is telling her to leave her fiance over this.  That’s just completely ridiculous to me. Oh & I just seriously LOL’d at Your FI’s response with “the hulk smash”!

 

Whenever I think about this situation, I just can’t help thinking about how I would feel if my partner denied me oral sex in the way that I wanted it.  Especially, If he said that he would do it eventually at the outset of the relationship.  If my parter told me at the beginning of our sexual relationship that he would never give me oral sex or would only give me oral sex with a dental dam for our entire relationship (the dental dam is the closest equivalent I can think of to the “swallowing” situation), then the relationship would have ended immediately. By waiting until you’re engaged to say that you won’t do it, kind of cheated him of making the decision early on before things got more serious. I’m not sure I think that’s fair.  

I completely expect my partner to be fully committed to my sexual happiness. Likewise, I’m also fully dedicated to fulfilling his every desire.  Yeah, there are somethings that I don’t like to do, but I do them because I know he wants it, and I enjoy giving him pleasure.  For instance I could probably go the rest of my life without doing it doggy-style, but my man likes it, so I toot it up anywany.

If you are really committed to your relationship, and I’m sure you are, I think you would at least try to seek therapy or maybe read some of the books that PPs have suggested to help you guys understand each other’s sexual expectations.  Throwing your  hands up and saying “I won’t do it” or leaving him, just doesn’t seem like appropriate solutions to me, & I can’t believe people keep suggesting this. You guys really need to start trying to work through this before you get married. Whether the end result is you eventually “swallowing” or you both deciding that that’s not right for your relationship, you still need to deal with the situation, NOT just take off running! I see no red flags here, and I’m sure your Fiance is a great guy despite poor handling of this situation. 

Post # 176
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@txbella:  to have someone tell you theyre fine with giving only to prove the opposite was a total bait and switch not to mention a sense of betrayal.

It’s my understanding that the OP NEVER said she was fine with it…she’s made it clear she does not enjoy oral sex and does not want to/is uncomfortable with swallowing.  She has said she would work on it…but can’t get past her gut reaction to feeling degraded and wanting to gag just from thinking about it.  That’s a big difference from lying and saying you’re “fine” with something you aren’t okay with or don’t enjoy.

Also, rereading her original post, it sounds like she is somewhat willing to give oral sex, despite not caring for it, it’s just the swallowing she doesn’t like and can’t seem to get past.  And rather than trying to work on it with the OP, or work out a compromise, he is bullying the OP.  

Post # 177
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

I usually don’t comment, but some of the posts here are ridiculous.  First, don’t let other insuate or actually tell you that you did something wrong, because you didn’t.  So what you told him you would try?  So what?  You changed your mind. 

@LibertyBelle:  “You basically put him in a position of potentially developing feelings for you based on a promise that you would compromise and try something that he says is absolutely important to his sexual life.”

Really?  I know don’t even know how to respond to that comment. 

Woman are not put on this earth to do a man’s sexual bidding.  We are not sperm pockets.  After three years after not doing it, you think he would get a clue. AND if it was that important to him HE should have ended it.  Why is it up to you to compromise your values?  I’m sorry but this gets me so fired up!

View original reply
@cbee:  

I agree with the post that says you should tell people you ended it because he kept sticking his dick down your throat. 

I say forget counseling and leave him.  I think he disrespectful and that this will lead to other things.  I dont’ know him, but i know his type and it won’t end there.  And even if you do, he won’t be satisified per his comments.  Next thing you know he will be cheating on you or ask you to join a threesome.  Sex is not a bargaining tool. 

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with swallowing or whatever else.  I am just saying that you should not be bullied into sex acts you don’t want to perform.  It is your body and how dare someone try to guilt you into doing something you don;t want to do!

LEAVE HIM!

 

 

Post # 178
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

@Miss Apricot:  in her original post she said she would try it, then later she shutdown the idea. maybe my reading comprehension is off but thats how i perceived it to be.

from her post:

“I’ve known from the very start of our relationship (3+ years) that my SO wants me to work up to swallowing. I had initially said that I’d try, but now, I really don’t want to. Just the thought of doing that makes me want to gag. “”

Post # 179
Bee
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

It might seem like a small thing to you, but you are talking about your partner’s sexual preferences– his fantasies, no matter how absurd or disgusting they may seem to you, are important to him. You definitely have a right to express your own sexual preferences (although I do recommend talking with a professional about why you feel disgusted and humiliated… that’s not a healthy response to sex play) but he also has a right to his. Expecting to live without a sexual activity he enjoys isn’t reasonable, either. That doesn’t mean that you need to jump right in and DO IT but you do need to understand that not compromising could be very problematic. I’d recommend seeing a sex therapist and talking it over so you can understand what is important about each others’ needs, how to respect them, and how to make sure each of you feels respected and fulfilled.

Post # 180
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@mandypop

When I added my relationship into the conversation, what I meant was that it’s something to be agreed upon in the begining of the relationship. I don’t know if the guy is bringing this up now out of the blue, or if it’s an issue he has had with their sex life for a while now and just kept quiet.

Of course it’s not for “men” as a whole, there are plenty of good guys out there. That’s all I’m trying to convey to the OP, that she doesn’t need to be stuck with an ass**** that doesn’t respect her decision to not swallow his cum.

Post # 181
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Jalifig:  I don’t think anyone is saying that the OP should just shut up and take it because she’s her fiance’s sperm pocket and here to do his bidding. Maybe we’re reading different threads, but I don’t think anyone’s said anything along those lines. 

But treating it so cavalierly – “So what? You changed your mind.” – isn’t going to solve the issue here. What if your SO changed his mind about something that matters to you? What if he said – “Hey, I tried cuddling and I just don’t like it, so I’m not going to cuddle with you on the couch anymore, and you can either deal with it or hit the road, Jack!” Or something else that’s important to you, like vacations or meeting a financial goal? “Sorry, honey, I tried saving money but it’s just not for me! So i’m going to quit my job and go buy a convertible with the rest of my savings account and if you don’t like it, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!” 

Perhaps the OP and her intended are ultimately not compatible and should go their separate ways, but I think that any relationship involves compromise and compassion, and learning to be compassionate and compromising will be invaluable to both partners, whether in this relationship or their next. 

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