(Closed) I Feel Like I’m Being Bullied Into Giving Oral Sex

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 182
Member
4590 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@KatieBklyn:  you said that really well. I concur!

Post # 183
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@txbella:  in her original post she said she would try it, then later she shutdown the idea. maybe my reading comprehension is off but thats how i perceived it to be.

from her post:

“I’ve known from the very start of our relationship (3+ years) that my SO wants me to work up to swallowing. I had initially said that I’d try, but now, I really don’t want to. Just the thought of doing that makes me want to gag. “

I think we’re just defining “try” differently…I think you are seeing her trying as actually  swallowing and then deciding if she likes it or not from there, whereas I’m seeing it as she has mentally tried to get herself comfortable with doing this, but just can’t get past the idea of it being disgusting, (making her want to gag just thinking about it), and degrading to actually move on to the next step of physically trying. Smile

Post # 184
Member
2354 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@cbee:  Exactly. 

The topic (of oral sex in general, not the swallowing part) is serious and both of you should really discuss it – however, his method of delivery leaves much to be desired. 

Threatening in any way shape or form should not be a part of your relation….I do not suggest you leave him, but you should think about having a serious talk with him about his communication skills. 

On a personal note, my BF never finishes in my mouth because he himself finds it “rude”. When I asked him why he thought it was such a bad thing to do, he said: ” I just wouldn’t do it to you. I think too highly of you.” I however have no strong feelings for/against swallowing. If my man wanted that, I’d do it. Since he doesn’t, I won’t.

Good luck hun. 

Post # 185
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@KatieBklyn:  This is exactly right!  I love that solution:  compassion and compromise.

Post # 186
Member
3974 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@mandypop:  I agree so hard! I feel like on boards like these, posters are so quick to tell people they should just leave their spouses. Seriously, you cannot possibly know the full picture from a single post on the internet.

On a different forum, I asked for advice for a difficult situation I was in with my DH (fiance at the time) and every single poster told me things like “He doesn’t respect you, find a better man” and “This is toxic. Leave him”. Needless to say I didn’t. I wanted advice on how to fix the problem, not be told I should just step out of a strong, 3 year long relationship and cancel a wedding because we hit a snag. Even after I told people that I didn’t think this was a dealbreaker issue, they continued to tell me I should dump him. WTH.

Post # 187
Member
574 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I don’t think you should be forced into doing something that you are not comfortable doing.  I don’t swallow and Fiance doesn’t ask me to.  I don’t understand his need for you to swallow.  I have a male friend who gets pissed off if the women he are with don’t swallow.

 

Hope you guys can sort things out

Post # 188
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@MrsFuzzyFace:  Whether you and your husband do that in the bedroom is your business and I’m happy for you that you’re happy in your relationship, but some posters have partners who do that to them and it certainly isn’t degrading. 

View original reply
@the_future_mrs:  It’s hard to see that when you just make quick offhand statements like that, though.   Many people in this thread are making huge generalizations about how some sexual acts are always degrading, how some people should always leave their partner no matter what in this situation, etc etc.  I took your words at face value, but thank you for clarifying. 

Post # 189
Member
1752 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@DeathByDesign:  Yeah seriously. After reading some of these threads, I would definitely think twice – or thrice or so – before posting, even anonymously, about any major argument Fiance and I are having, because I don’t need to be told by a bunch of people who don’t know either of us that I need to leave him, and that the next thing I know, he’ll be beating me, or some other nonsense.

Sometimes it is really helpful to get an outside perspective, but its only useful if that perspective is applied to the situation at hand – not the entire relationship. 

All of our guys have f*d up, and all of us have too. Some mistakes are bigger than others, but if you are in love, in a commitment, we are typically seeking advice on how to make things right, not just be told off handedly to “walk away” or “run”.   You don’t just walk away from people you love when you hit a wall. You try to find a way to walk around it or break through it.

With the obvious exception being abuse, of course.

Post # 190
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I am going to chime in here because I have had a very similiar experience.  EXCEPT, in my case my SO was supportive and loving when I told him I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I.e. put in in my mouth, AND swallow. 

Yeah, it got so bad that I was actually avoiding all intimate interactions with him because I was scared he was going to ask me.  Let me just say that I never was forced, or made to feel bad if I didn’t.  I just knew that he really wanted me to.

So, after a crying fest of me saying how sorry I was that I just was getting to be pretty grossed out by it, (I started our relationship indifferent about it, but thinking I had to do it, to not being able to handle it at all) we finally had a real conversation about it.  Ours happened in bed, cuddling, and lovingly.

He pretty muched asked me all of my feelings, and I got down to the pin point of what I really was reacting to.

We basically agreed to start over.  Like I had never given him oral.  So, I started slow, and would just kiss it (when it was VERY VERY VERY clean).  And now I have found something that I can do, and that he likes!!!

I never put it all the way in my mouth!  I just kind of put my mouth around the side, and slide up and down, and I don’t swallow.  Now, I’m happy, and he is happy!

 

And I just have to say to the ladies that are asking why swallowing is such a big deal…. It is for some of us.  I have always been a textural eater… and the texture of it is just…not good.  It reminds me of a big snot you might cough up when you have a really bad cold.  THAT is something I don’t want to be swallowing a couple times a week.  And I even told him that if he didn’t want to perform it on me, he didn’t have to.  (of course he loves doing it though…lol).

And to the original Poster…the above is the type of reaction a loving partner should give.  Not threats, not coercion.  So, yes I would also recomend the counseling.  

Post # 191
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

And I just have to say to the ladies that are asking why swallowing is such a big deal…. It is for some of us. I have always been a textural eater… and the texture of it is just…not good. It reminds me of a big snot you might cough up when you have a really bad cold. THAT is something I don’t want to be swallowing a couple times a week.

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!  Every time I hear or read something like the quote above I wonder how men are supposed to feel going down on US.  Like they go down there and all the “snot” and what not is already there just dripping out.  At least when you go down on a man you are just sucking on skin for the majority of the time until the very end.  I know many women think men should just suck it up and go down on them regardless of texture, taste, smell, etc. so I find it funny that so many women find a little semen gross.  Whatevs!  Lol!

Anyway, I have no advice just wanted to chime in with that.  And for the record, I agree with everything @Mandypop said.

Post # 192
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

@Candycane:  I don’t get it because it’s not like one keeps it in their mouth and savors it.  It’s like swallowing a pill.  It goes down just as fast as it goes in…  Keep a glass of water by you and drink right after if you feel you need to.  

Post # 193
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

i hated the semen taste/texture at first too, but i realized it was a mind over matter thing. flavored lube is a good alternative for beginners in swallowing, another thing to do is deep throat him as he is cumming so it will just slide down your throat and you wont have to taste it. i do this with my fi and swallowing is a piece of cake now, it takes some getting used to. strawberry flavored lube is awesome 🙂

Post # 194
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

@txbella: flavored lube is a good alternative for beginners in swallowing, another thing to do is deep throat him as he is cumming so it will just slide down your throat and you wont have to taste it.

Agree with the flavored lube, but keep in mind that deep throating is more of an advanced technique that the OP, being someone who dislikes oral sex in the first place, may not be able to perform at this point.

Post # 195
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

For those who seem to think that people urge her to leave are irrational, I’ll personally explain why I suggested that.

1)He threatened to end their engagement over something that clearly makes her uncomfortable.

2)She’s suggested a compromise, that she would endure oral sex but not swallow, to me that’s pretty fair.

3)He’s manipulating her and a marriage/sex should not be built on that.

What purpose does swallowing have to the satisfaction of oral sex?  It’s the power, that’s the only thing I can think of.  I would not feel comfortable with having sex with someone who wants to have the entire power.  I think it’s disrespectful and frankly, I would end a relationship over for all of the reasons listed above.

Post # 196
Member
4394 posts
Honey bee

I don’t think it’s helpful to tell the OP that swallowing “just isn’t a big deal” as some have suggested and she should just “get used to it.” It is her preference if she doesn’t like the taste, texture, etc. commenting and saying it’s not a big deal and she needs to (literally) suck it up, is probably not helpful. If she felt like she could, she probably already would have.

I also want to add that I don’t think a knee jerk reflex of “leave him now” is always appropriate either, but in my opinion (since that is what we are ALL giving) I would never tolerate sexual demands. The kind of relationship I have is one with mutual love and respect, and that includes sexual boundaries. If my SO ever put his sexual desires above my feelings and comfort, I would not stand for it. That is MY opinion. Counseling may be a good option, but staying in a relationship like that without help would not be an option for me.

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