(Closed) I Feel Like I’m Being Bullied Into Giving Oral Sex

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 197
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

A tip since lots of people seem averse to oral– you don’t have to just jump in there and go bobbing for apples, use your hands and just sneak your mouth in there every once in a while to get things slippery! 

 

Post # 198
Member
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Ladies, I wish I could get over it… but my dislike went from bad to worse.  I just can’t.  It is in my mouth, and I just kind of have a gag reflex to it.  I CAN’t swallow it.  So, yeah, I end up “savoring” it.  eek. lol

Oh, and I did tell my guy that he doesn’t have to go down on me.  I basically thought the same thing….how can this be enjoyable for you!!!  But he loves it, and often asks to do it…  lol, so yeah, guys are just funny I guess.

Post # 199
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@bookworm88:  I know how to perform oral sex.  I’m still aversed to it.  What’s worse is the swallowing.  There’s no way I’d ever swallow semen. 

Post # 200
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@beekiss:  From how I read it, I felt like the OP isn’t interested in oral at all, not that she just won’t swallow.

And congrats on knowing how to do it! Other bees have been posting that they had never done it, hadn’t wanted to do it, etc. so feel free to ignore my friendly advice.

Post # 201
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@BlondeMissMolly:  Ummm…actually I said that I know many women expect men to just “suck it up” and go down on them.  If you were referring to someone else’s comment, my bad. 🙂

Post # 202
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Candycane:  True.  MY man loves going down on me and I love going down on him and savoring all his “snot”.  LOL!  This thread is crazy.

Post # 203
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@Candycane:  If your Fiance is content with you spitting or him not finishing in your mouth then sounds like you guys have a great compromise and are sexually compatible.  You shouldn’t ever be forced to do something that makes you uncomfortable!

I feel like the OP’s Fiance needs this act to be totally happy in his relationship, which is a boundary he’s allowed to set and I don’t think he should be made into this creepy disgusting man for wanting it.  I think the OP is also perfectly within her rights to refuse to do this sort of thing, but I don’t think all this blame and anger should be directed at her Fiance.

Post # 204
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Going through your post point by point:

  • People are allowed to change. Meaning, as long as you gave it the old college try and it didn’t work for you, then you and he have a legitmate starting point for re-negotiation of your sex life. I agree with most posters saying that you have every right to make a stand re: your mutual sex life, but you should probably have alternatives to offer when you two talk. He should do the same.
  • Swallowing is not key to any man’s sexual pleasure. That’s purely a visual & emotional cue. Fact. So you can take that out of the equation.
  • You should ask yourself, why is fellatio demeaning to you. I find that wording curious. 
  • As far as arguing his side he’s going about it wrong. It’s not rape but it’s not kosher. But that doesn’t mean that the context of what he is saying is wrong. That’s how he feels. It’s legit. It translates to: if this doesn’t get fixed then this issue isn’t going to get smaller, this is as small as it’s ever going to be.
  • I honestly think that maybe you should explore your sexual hangups. Or at least be open to exploring what he says. It may not change your stance on fellatio, but you’ll have a better understanding of yourself. yanno? Maybe go to the sex therapist by yourself?
  • Oh, also? It ain’t all about HIS sexual satisfaction. it is definitely more of a two way street when you get engaged/married. Health of the whole, people, Health of the whole. 
  • You can’t be MADE to do anything, but if this is the love of your life and the father of your future children you may want to at least consider where he is coming from. 
  • There is definitely manipulation going on with both of you. You BOTH get mad and want it your way and issue these grand statements like “You’ll have to tell everyone why we’re calling it off” and “obviously doesn’t value the rest of our relationship if he’s willing to call things off over this one thing.”
  • that he’s not open to therapy is a red flag for me. 

End of the day, you both need to remember what’s important. Why you are together in the first place. Sex is a big deal, but you both owe it to the other to examine why you are reacting the way you are. Take DEEP breaths and for god’s sake be honest. If you can’t be honest and accepting of each other’s faults, then what can you do?

Post # 205
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@bookworm88:  Oh I see, my bad on the performance of oral sex.

The OP’s most recent update indicated that she’s willing to have oral sex but he’s not budging on the swallowing. 

 

Can anyone explain to me what the benefit of swallowing is?  I just don’t understand why that would be sooo important?

 

EDIT: I also wanted to say that I don’t think this is rape.  It might be coercion, but most definitely disrespectful if he won’t budge on her swallowing.

Post # 207
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@beekiss:  I would be hurt and embarrassed if my man made gagging noises, vomited and/or spit “me” out after going down on me.  Perhaps some men feel the same way.  My Fiance NOT spitting me out or using a dental dam shows me that he accepts me fully and will do whatever it takes to satisfy me.  It makes me feel closer to him and like I can be 100% myself and comfortable with him because he accepts all of me (even the “icky” parts). JMHO.

ETA: this was in response to your question about what the big deal is with swallowing.

Post # 208
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

a couple of suggestions for what they are worth  FAIR WARNING its graphic;)

 

1.  If you are feeling “controlled ” by doing this. take control.  A BJ is an incredibly powerful control mechanism. Think about it- at any time we can apply over 2500 psi and bite mr happy off.  just a thought

2. If he wants it- make it your way.  Take a nice shower together, get him all clean, and then have him lay down- (tie him up if he cant stay still).

3. control the moves- you handle the motion, the speed, and whether or not he actually climaxes. Get him close, stop close stop until he is begging for release. 

4. When he is there- so sure- and move away. Unless you want to swallow

Pretty much a paraphrase from The Sensuous Woman by J- dont know it its still in print.

Post # 209
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@VegasSukie:  Alright, I understand that better now.  However, if this clearly bothers her and yet she’s willing to perform oral sex, but not swallow, isn’t that a good compromise? 

Also to add, I’m coming from this angle that I really don’t like performing or receiving so for me, it adds nothing but discomfort to the overall act.  And I view oral sex as a precursor to full intercourse, maybe others don’t? 

Post # 210
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@beekiss:  I hate going into super personal anecdotes but let’s say I have a “friend” who dated a guy and every time he went down on her, he would spit, gargle water, and then get up and brush his teeth.  She even dated another guy who within five minutes of finishing anything would jump out of bed and wash his hands.  Let’s say this friend now has a different Fiance who will go down on her whenever, kiss her (with tongue and all) after she goes down on him, and pretty much cherishes every thing about her? 

She’s much happier with the second guy because she feels more accepted, more loved, and just sexier.   

I think there’s a difference between discreetly having an aversion to certain things and being super adamant that “ew no way I hate that I would never ever swallow that, it’s disgusting!” you can spit his junk on the bed.  You can learn to read the signs that he’s about to finish and take your mouth off and use your hand.  You don’t need to use the words “weird” and gross” and whatnot, how is that supposed to make him feel about someting natural and wonderful about his body?

But it still might not be the same for some people.  Sure, I could be decently happy with a guy who had to brush his teeth after getting out of bed with me, but not in the same way. 

Post # 211
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m probably echoing what most other bees have said. He is bullying you, and I understand wanting to have a sexual relationship, but they way he is going about this issue with you is alarming to me. You’re not insisting that he give and let you ‘off the hook’, so I don’t understand why he is being so aggressive about this issue with you. Counseling might help, but honestly it sounds like some douchebaggery.

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