- 9 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
And I did NOT mean for my last post to be so long! Sorry about the book!
And I did NOT mean for my last post to be so long! Sorry about the book!
@DazedConfused: SO and I sometimes use “Oralicious Raspberry Parfait” ….. ok I use it lol. This brand http://www.amazon.com/Hott-Products-Oralicious-3-Pack-Colada/dp/B002ZRQQYU
Alert- Going to get graphic
Hun, I totally get where you’re coming from that you gag at it. I do, too. You know why? The first time (and only time) I swallowed, I nearly vom’ed twice. Then there was nothing around to drink and settle my stomach but ::drumroll:: Genessee Cream Ale…It sounded good? and it sucked. So, third time I wanted to vom. Its negative association. I’m the same way with Red Bull and anything Jell-o. I get sick everytime I try because in the past I have gotten sick.
I think the two of you just need a good sit down talk. Let him know how it makes you feel- physically and reassure him that it in no way means that you don’t like his junk.
@DazedConfused: I think that trying is a nice thing for you to do, but honey, if it makes you dread the “countdown” for days, I’m not sure it’s worth it. I agree with you that what your comfort level is sexually is yours and your right to feel–so while oral sex may not be a big deal to other ‘bees or to your fiance, it’s okay if it is to you.
I just want to point out that sex is an area in which sometimes those comfort levels are absolute and while you *could* try a certain sex experience and like it, it’s fine to not try it at all. There are plenty of things that, frankly, I’m not ever going to try (and I don’t think I”m alone in this!)–threesomes, for example–because it’s.just.not.my.thing. I don’t have to try it to figure that out or prove it.
So if you want to try fellatio, then establish good guidelines for it–maybe you’re not ready for swallowing yet and would want to work up to it. Or maybe you need some kind of safe-word. I mean, there are a lot of ways to embark on trying in a gentle way. But don’t think that if in the end, you’re just not into doing it AT ALL, that not trying is somehow not compromising. They woudln’t be the same thing if you really feel that way.
@DazedConfused: I feel exactly the way you do about oral sex. And don’t let others say you’re not normal for feeling the way you do.
I do agree with others that a discussion on your sexual compatibility might be needed and how you both feel about that in terms of a relationship. For my Fiance and me, we don’t view sex as the end all, be all of our relationship like many others do. I think you have every right to be angry and him assuming it’s because of a hang up or trauma is also out of line. Good luck and keep us posted!
I am getting angey reading this, so angry on your behalf. You are right that a blow job should not be the end all be all. I have had severe sexual trauma in my past and I would be DAMNED if any man threatened to leave me because of a sexual act I couldn’t perform/ didn’t perform to his satisfaction. I didn’t read all the replies, but I saw enough of the ” just try/you will get used to it/ love means doing things you don’t like” replies to make my head spin. Love is not hinged on what sexual acts you can perform- period. Nowhere in the marriage vows does it say ” Until blow job do us part” and it grinds my gears that he is so incredibly disrespectful to you. He shouldn’t be grinning like a school boy knowing he is about to coaxe you into an act that demeans you. No, just NO.
For me that is what it hinges on- respect. No one who loves you should ever ask you or expect you to do things that demean you, disrespect you or hurt you. You shouldn’t have to swallow anyone’s cum to prove your love. I am disgusted by this and outraged that anyone would even suggest that if you loved him you would demean yourself for him.
In the interest[o]f full disclosure, we did discuss making arrangements for him to get his kicks on the side – bjs and swallowing but nothing else. But he wants me to be the one to do that for him, and I don’t know if I can.
You might want to revisit this possibility. I feel really bad for both of you. It sounds like you really are trying and do care about pleasing him, and I can’t imagine how tough this must be. But as someone who loves giving and receiving, I also can’t fathom how frustrated he must be. Honestly, the fact that he’s still with you despite 3 years of wanting this shows just how much he does love you and how committed he is. I would have walked away a long time ago if DH wasn’t into taking care of me in that way. I really think that getting married before you’ve found a solution to this issue would be setting yourselves up for the most profound kind of heartbreak down the road.
Wow, date setting…is it that simple? And yeah, it would piss me off if acts like a giddy school boy over something that makes me uncomfortable. Very immature and insensitive.
I understand where both of you are coming from and at the moment its just not gelling. Counseling may be one of the best things for this relationship if you want to stay in it!
@DazedConfused: Do folks have suggestions for brands of flavored lube? I have not liked the ones that we’ve tried so just don’t use any. If there are any that actually taste good, please let me know.
My personal favorite is made by Pure Romance. It’s called “Sensations Warming Lubricant” in cotton candy flavor. The beauty of a Pure Romance party is that most of the demonstrators will have several of the products available for you to taste-test, but if that’s not a possibility, you CAN order from pureromance.com (this link will take you to the product page, however, it doesn’t look like you can select a flavor of your choice online, it seems to default to Strawberries and Whipped Cream). Edit: *sigh* Well poop! I just got out the catalog from the last party I went to, and it looks like it’s available in Cosmopolian, Strawberries and Whipped Cream, Watermelon, and Hot Buttered Rum but I don’t see Cotton Candy and more, which is going to suck when I run out of the bottle I have now! LOL!
I really have tried to pinpoint my feelings of shame around this but can’t. My fiance was VERY accommodating early on, but I think he’s just really frustrated now. It’s like I’m not getting “normal” fast enough for him.
As you can see from this thread, there are a lot of women who have no problems giving oral, and some who do. There are women who have no problem swallowing, and women who do. There ISN’T a “normal”…please, please, please seek counseling from a sex therapist who will help you get over your feelings of shame and realize that you are a strong, beautiful woman who shouldn’t feel degraded or shameful about giving the man she loves oral sex, AND who will help him see things from your perspective so he can stop being an ass about it.
Ok…so my fiance just got in and actually expects that we’re going to do this tonight. I think he’s forgotten that he threatened to call off the engagement, which has put me in a sour mood not conducive to doing nice things for him.
Foreplay and sex is sooo mental for a woman. Men just need a place. It sounds like your fiance doesn’t understand how his hurtful words and actions are only contributing to the problem and your dislike/disinterest in oral sex. Again, a sex therapist could really help with this. A candlight dinner, some soft music, wine, and a bubble bath together will go a lot further than setting dates/time limits and him shoving his dick in your face, (seriously, I keep picturing the scene in “Bridesmaids” where she is rubbing her arm all over her face pantomiming a guy wanting oral, and if I could find a picture of it, I would post it!).
Have you heard about this product? : http://yourmasque.com/
“How does it work?
Masque utilizes natural taste masking ingredients that block the flavors associated with oral sex on men, especially of semen (salts, bitters, and proteins). These masking ingredients are microencapsulated into an orally dissolvable, flavored strip. “
Just wanted to chime in here….
I used to HATE giving my ex oral. HATED it. I always felt pressured into it, and I just plain didn’t like doing it at all. I felt gross and degraded alfterwards.
It doesn’t bother me with my fiance though. At all. I love that he loves it, and if I’m not in the mood to go down on him, I dont. Do you think that part of your aversion may be because he’s pressuring you SO much? It’s no longer on your terms, and the more he pushes for it, the more degraded and adverse you feel? He doens’t seem to be comprimising at all on this. You’re trying, and he’s beig selfish. My Fiance likes it when I swallow, but I hardly ever do because it usually doesn’t feel ‘right’ to. Sometimes it does, but not very often.
Anyways, it seems to me that his inability to compromise is making the situation worse. This has to be comunicated to him. His ‘all or nothing’ attitude wont cut it in this, or any other area of the relationship.
First of all ***HUGS*** I can’t imagine how difficult this is for you and frankly your Fiance is being a big baby being an ass not helping with how he’s handling it.
There is nothing wrong with not liking oral or swallowing just like there is nothing wrong with liking them. Yes, you guys may be sexually incompatible and yes, it may be a deal breaker. I do think it can be overcome if BOTH parties work at it continuously and compromise. It kinda sounds like he feels like since he ‘suffered’ for so long he should get his way now.
Dumb question: Are YOU getting any pleasure out of sex? Either vaginal, hand or oral?
And the date nights dedicated to him getting a BJ honestly sound like a bad idea. You’re dreading it and he’s a giddy schoolgirl. Sounds very one-sided and doing the opposite of helping you. Are you alternating them with date nights dedicated to something you love and he doesn’t (sexual or not)? Maybe it’s time to be a little selfish and ask/demand for something that’s all about you. And, no, him giving you oral if you don’t enjoy it doesn’t count.
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