(Closed) I Feel Like I’m Being Bullied Into Giving Oral Sex

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 242
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee

@DazedConfused:  I could not marry a man that did not give oral sex, I like it too much. However, this is something that would be discussed early on in the relationship. I too would be pissed if my Fiance changed his mind and said he hated it. I would never bully him into doing it but I would be bummed about it honestly.

Post # 245
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

***HUGS***  Sorry to hear things went so downhill so fast. Take tonight and tomorrow night for you. Read a book, go on a walk, take a bath, go out with girlfriends, whatever makes YOU happy and relaxes you.

Sounds like you both are very frustrated but I don’t think anything is going to change until he’s willing to act like an adult and not order you around or threaten ending your relationship.

Post # 246
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

deleted for tmi…

Post # 247
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@DazedConfused:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 248
Member
1947 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

He is a grown man who needs to stop acting like a petulant three year old who’s been told he can’t have a cookie.  I don’t think you two should dicuss this or attempt to proceed further without the help of a sex therapist, unless you really, truly, with no pressure from him, want to attempt this, (but even if you do that, and it doesn’t go well, I see him being angry with you for not following through).  

Post # 249
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@DazedConfused:  Maybe, if you still want to do them, on the BJ dates have him pleasure you first. It may make it easier to get into giving him a BJ. I know I have to be REALLY turned on or just had an orgasm to give my Fiance a BJ for more than, oh a minute. It’s not that I don’t enjoy giving him one, I just don’t like doing it for very long.

Post # 250
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

…YOU are “destroying the relationship”? By not being willing to pencil in his blowjob for tonight or tomorrow? 

How…absurd. I mean, it’s so ridiculous and absurd to me that anyone would actually say something like that I feel like I’m not getting the full story. At the very least, he’s sounding pretty immature.

Post # 251
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry but you both need to enter into counseling together or part ways. What you just described is not healthy for either of you. He is manipulating you with the ” you are going to ruin this relationship” Bullshit. Complete bullshit. Do not accept that kind of treatment. If he can’t respect you then fine but respect yourself enough to know that you do NOT have to accept being treated that way, This goes so far beyond a blow job and I hope you can see down to the root of the issue- partners have to respect each other or else everything else will fall apart.

Post # 252
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Miss Apricot:  Agreed. Maybe the therapist can drive it home that pressure = no sex drive. Guilt is also a pretty effective libido killer

Post # 254
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@DazedConfused:  I’m sorry that you’re having this issue, and that the discussion didn’t go well.

Your Fiance is definitely acting whiny, and I don’t think anyone would label that an attractive trait. If he’s controlling in any other aspects of your shared life, I would be seriously concerned.

However. If he’s really wonderful in all other ways, he’s probably really, really frustrated about this. As PPs have noted, that’s not an excuse to behave in the way that he is behaving. But… you say that, “And it’s not that I don’t enjoy oral sex, it’s just that I don’t need it a part of my regular sex life.” Your Fiance DOES need it as a part of his regular sex life. He’s made it really clear that this is a big part of his sexual satisfaction. I don’t think we can judge that any more than we can judge you for not enjoying oral/swallowing.

If you’re never going to be able/want to swallow, I think you need to just tell him that. It’s OK to feel that way, but he needs to know. No more begging or B.S. whining/complaining from him, no more delaying/stalling/broken promises from you. No swallowing. He can decide from there if he can live with that or not.

You should also be really honest with him – assuming your sexual self stays the same as it is today, how often would you be willing to perform oral? We don’t need to know… but he does.

We all have “hangups” or whatever he wants to call them. It’s OK to own yours – as long as you are really honest about what you are and are not willing to do or try, and put it all out there well before the wedding.

I feel for you, OP. I hope you can work it out, one way or another.

ETA: And that nonsense about people “knowing” why you broke up, if that is what ultimately happens – ridiculous and manipulative of him to say it, definitely. 

Post # 255
Member
3054 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

If it is something you are totally uncomfortable doing then he should not be forcing you to do it. End of story….

Post # 256
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Sooo he can live without YOU but not ORAL???!! Is that what my eyes literally just read? 

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