Post # 242
@DazedConfused: I could not marry a man that did not give oral sex, I like it too much. However, this is something that would be discussed early on in the relationship. I too would be pissed if my Fiance changed his mind and said he hated it. I would never bully him into doing it but I would be bummed about it honestly.
Post # 243
Well, that didn’t go well. We were having a productive discussion at first. Then I suggested adjusting our “timeline” because I’m not emotionally in the mood to even try giving him a bj tonight and probably not tomorrow night, either. He got extremely upset, telling me that I was going back on my word. I just wanted him to listen to me. A PP had suggested taking the reins back and picking the day myself. So I was going to suggest to him that I try within the next five days but I pick the day and don’t tell him; but he just wouldn’t listen. He “told” me that I was going to do it today or tomorrow. And I said “We’re two grown adults. “You don’t get to tell me what I will and will not do.” He stormed out of here a few minutes ago, saying “you really will destroy this relationship.”
*sigh* I just don’t have the energy for this anymore. I am emotionally spent.
@Miss Apricot & @jpalm13:
Thanks for those suggestions. I’ll keep them in mind if we get over this rut.
Post # 244
@LuckyClover: Of the three boyfriends I’ve had, he’s been the best in bed. There may be one or two instances a year where I don’t orgasm from sex, but that’s it. So I’d say that I’m sexually satisfied.
I sometimes give him a little oral as foreplay; but the times I’ve tried going all the way and swallowing have been on nights with no sex. Those are the nights that he wants on the calendar. In our last chat, he said that he wants to schedule them so that I’ll try more.
And it’s not that I don’t enjoy oral sex, it’s just that I don’t need it a part of my regular sex life.
Post # 245
***HUGS*** Sorry to hear things went so downhill so fast. Take tonight and tomorrow night for you. Read a book, go on a walk, take a bath, go out with girlfriends, whatever makes YOU happy and relaxes you.
Sounds like you both are very frustrated but I don’t think anything is going to change until he’s willing to act like an adult and not order you around or threaten ending your relationship.
Post # 247
@DazedConfused: I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 248
He is a grown man who needs to stop acting like a petulant three year old who’s been told he can’t have a cookie. I don’t think you two should dicuss this or attempt to proceed further without the help of a sex therapist, unless you really, truly, with no pressure from him, want to attempt this, (but even if you do that, and it doesn’t go well, I see him being angry with you for not following through).
Post # 249
@DazedConfused: Maybe, if you still want to do them, on the BJ dates have him pleasure you first. It may make it easier to get into giving him a BJ. I know I have to be REALLY turned on or just had an orgasm to give my Fiance a BJ for more than, oh a minute. It’s not that I don’t enjoy giving him one, I just don’t like doing it for very long.
Post # 250
…YOU are “destroying the relationship”? By not being willing to pencil in his blowjob for tonight or tomorrow?
How…absurd. I mean, it’s so ridiculous and absurd to me that anyone would actually say something like that I feel like I’m not getting the full story. At the very least, he’s sounding pretty immature.
Post # 251
I’m sorry but you both need to enter into counseling together or part ways. What you just described is not healthy for either of you. He is manipulating you with the ” you are going to ruin this relationship” Bullshit. Complete bullshit. Do not accept that kind of treatment. If he can’t respect you then fine but respect yourself enough to know that you do NOT have to accept being treated that way, This goes so far beyond a blow job and I hope you can see down to the root of the issue- partners have to respect each other or else everything else will fall apart.
Post # 252
@Miss Apricot: Agreed. Maybe the therapist can drive it home that pressure = no sex drive. Guilt is also a pretty effective libido killer
Post # 254
@DazedConfused: I’m sorry that you’re having this issue, and that the discussion didn’t go well.
Your Fiance is definitely acting whiny, and I don’t think anyone would label that an attractive trait. If he’s controlling in any other aspects of your shared life, I would be seriously concerned.
However. If he’s really wonderful in all other ways, he’s probably really, really frustrated about this. As PPs have noted, that’s not an excuse to behave in the way that he is behaving. But… you say that, “And it’s not that I don’t enjoy oral sex, it’s just that I don’t need it a part of my regular sex life.” Your Fiance DOES need it as a part of his regular sex life. He’s made it really clear that this is a big part of his sexual satisfaction. I don’t think we can judge that any more than we can judge you for not enjoying oral/swallowing.
If you’re never going to be able/want to swallow, I think you need to just tell him that. It’s OK to feel that way, but he needs to know. No more begging or B.S. whining/complaining from him, no more delaying/stalling/broken promises from you. No swallowing. He can decide from there if he can live with that or not.
You should also be really honest with him – assuming your sexual self stays the same as it is today, how often would you be willing to perform oral? We don’t need to know… but he does.
We all have “hangups” or whatever he wants to call them. It’s OK to own yours – as long as you are really honest about what you are and are not willing to do or try, and put it all out there well before the wedding.
I feel for you, OP. I hope you can work it out, one way or another.
ETA: And that nonsense about people “knowing” why you broke up, if that is what ultimately happens – ridiculous and manipulative of him to say it, definitely.
Post # 255
If it is something you are totally uncomfortable doing then he should not be forcing you to do it. End of story….
Post # 256
Sooo he can live without YOU but not ORAL???!! Is that what my eyes literally just read?