Post # 257
@LuckyClover: I just text him and said something similar. I can’t give this to him if he’s in a mood and I’m in a mood. Sex and anything related is tied very much to my emotions. If I’m not in a good place emotionally, there’s no desire there.
It actually seems like he’s calmed down. His text messages are at least making sense and don’t seem to be the tirades of a petulant 12 year old.
I have to say, he has NEVER been this immature. I’m going to continue to try to get my point across to him and understand his perspective because he’s never given me any other reason to walk away. During our talk earlier, he said counseling probably would be a good idea. So that door is open.
Post # 258
To be brutally honest…it sounds like he needs to be with someone who likes to give blow jobs and you need to be with someone who will love you for not wanting to.
I personally would not be with someone who didn’t want to give me oral (something that I love), but I wouldn’t blame you for not liking it.
It doesn’t sound like this marriage is the best idea.
Post # 259
@LuckyClover: & others: And thanks for the hugs. Internet hugs feel just as good as real ones. This has been so tough because I can’t bring myself to talk about this to anyone. So it’s me against the fiance, with the Bee at hand to offer advice. So thanks, ladies.
Post # 260
He “told” me that I was going to do it today or tomorrow.
— UM, HELLS NO!
I’m so disturbed to read all these posts of people telling you should “try” to swallow just because they like to do it. You shouldn’t have to do!!!!
I can understand a guy getting upset if he knows you’ll never do oral (and by that I don’t mean everyone has to do that..I know some people prefer not to at all) – but to say that it’s a deal breaker that you won’t swallow. OMG, I would laugh in his face. There is no need at all for him to MAKE you swallow something that brings you disgust…that is abuse.
I’m just enraged reading this.
Post # 261
HUn I am SO sorry you are dealing with this. Its is total BS. My ex use to pull this sh*t with me and b/c I was afraid of losing him I did alot of things I didnt want to. YOu deserve better then this. He should not be treating you like this. It is NOT love. He is either being totally childish (how old is he approx), something else is going on (emotionally…like work, stress, etc) or he is simply a total SELFISH JERK. He is only thinking about himself. Not you OR your feelings. I just want to hug you. What are you going to do? Just think about whether or not you wanna have a schedule of sexual activity for the rest of your life with this guy?! I cant believe he said YOU are ruining this. I feel like he is blaming you b/c he either wants out or is guilty or unhappy. Im sorry if that upsets you but its just my reaction to this. Here if you wanna talk. xo
Post # 262
To the OP I am sorry that you are going through this but you really deserve better. I asked DH what he thought and he def said it is not right for him to try and guilt you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. IMO you should not marry him because this issue will not go away by signing a marriage license. You should probably just cut your losses.
Post # 263
If a man tells me, either directly or indirectly, that him getting blowjobs is more important than our relationship, that is one hell of a red flag for me. OP I think you should try counseling and see if you can get the respect you DESERVE. If not, you need to evaluate if this situation is workable for you. And I think it is completely absurd to say that him not getting bjs is on par with him making you feel icky and manipulating you into a sex act you don’t want to perform.vThis whole idea that he NEEDS bjs is just ridiculous to me. If you don’t like doing it, he can accept that and choose you or having his dick sucked, rather than threatening to break off your engagement. If it’s a dealbreaker, he can grow a pair and do it himself.
Post # 264
i think hes moreso trying to gain control of something he has no control over (lack of oral satisfaction) when he threatens to leave the relationship, if he was going to leave you he would have done it years ago. he probably thinks his foot being out of the door will somehow make you more acommodating.
he probably knew from the beginning oral isnt your fave thing to do but somehow thought it would change overtime. i say this because ive been in his shoes before and this was my approach as well. im not saying its right, but thats how someone who is desperate and trying something last resort would do in hopes that person will see the light and change.
ive learned that a person isnt going to change what they dislike, and i think youve made a point to say you are content in your beliefs in regards to the oral issue. so instead of setting dates, just be upfront about what you will and wont do and he can decide if thats something he can deal with long term.
Post # 265
@justmoi22: He’s in his late 30s/early 40s; I’m younger.
His thought process on the schedule is: I do it at regular intervals. Doing it at regular intervals makes me more comfortable with doing it. I start liking it. When I’m more comfortable doing it, I’ll do it own my own. So in his mind, we wouldn’t have a schedule forever. He’s convinced that I just need to try more and will eventually be one of those girls who just loves giving bjs and swallowing. But I don’t feel like I’ll ever get used to it.
Post # 266
@DazedConfused: No, doing it more and on HIS time will not make you like it more. It will make you angry and make you resent him more. If you are willing to try, you tell him you’ll do it when YOU want to do it.
Seriously, what person in their right mind would think that you doing it regularly will make you like it.
Post # 267
@Miss Apricot: +1
I am going to agree with a PP that mentioned that maybe your aversion to BJs is heightened by his insistance that you do it. One of my exes insisted that we do certain things in bed and I really started to hate those things because there was so much pressure.
Post # 268
I didnt get to finish my post because I was appalled at the fact that the BJ’s were more important than you.
I love to give BJ’s and all that jazz but I really do remember what it was like before I started giving them. My ex bf tried to pressure me into giving him one and tried to make me feel guilty for not doing it. I didnt do it, I stuck to my guns. Know what he did? He went and got one elsewhere.
Im not implying that this will happen in your relationship. But never EVER do anything that you are uncomfortable with.
I understand where previous bee’s are coming from mentioning the compromise, but DAMN! Im not going to give away something as special as a BJ for a guy who asks me “what are you going to tell everyone when they ask why we broke up or called off the engagement”
He point blank gave her an ultimatum..either give up the head or give me up.
Id tell that dude to suck it…no pun intended.
Post # 269
I am shocked at this thread. Both for the situation that you’re in OP, and for people suggesting that you just need to try swallowing so that you’ll get used to it. I am all for sexual exploration and experimentation, but the second one party is uncomfortable with it–be it physically, emotionally, or whatever–it should cease immediately and the other party should not push the issue or pressure it. He needs to get over it. You should probably see a therapist, though honestly mostly because I hope that the therapist more or less tells him he’s being a tool.
Have you tried responding to his little schedule suggestion that putting you on a schedule will make you feel like you have to do this, and thus you will eventually end up hating it and resenting it becuase its not something you’re doing of your own volition?
Sorry if I’m repeating other people, but 7 pages is a lot to read through.
Post # 270
What @Miss Apricot said. But also, I have been in a similar situation and thought I was going to marry him. No man or woman should ever, under ANY circumstances, demand any sexual favour or deed from their partner. It is wrong, manipulative and abusive. I know how hard it is to deal with it and think that it’s normal but it is NOT! If you are uncomfortable with it, say no and walk away. If he leaves, he leaves and you will find a better man.
Trust me, not all men are like. Unfortunately however, in my experience, after ending that relationship and having been with another man for some time, I still sometimes freak out about the idea of BJs because of what happened and being forced. You may need therapy (I do.) and you may be okay but please, help yourself and do yourself a favour and get out of the relationship ASAP. It will make you a better person and you will not have to deal with that any more.
It may take some strength to get out of it, but you can do it. Sex does not need to be scheduled or forced onto anyone or for anyone. I am so sorry you have had to experience and go through it. If you ever need to talk to anyone, you can for sure message me!
Post # 271
I feel for you, OP. Sounds like a very frank discussion or therapy may be in your future… or it may be as simple as: you two are not compatable with each other or not as compatable as it will take to make it in the long term.