(Closed) I Feel Like I’m Being Bullied Into Giving Oral Sex

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 391
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

View original reply
DazedConfused:  hi im in a similar sittuation except my partner cheated and said it was cos SHE have him what i wouldnt tjos will never get easier trust me 

Post # 392
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I know this is an old post, but I’m going to put my two cents in here anyway because I think it may be useful to someone out there going through the same situation. Basically, I’m the fiancé to the OP’s situation (not the real fiancé) and I’ve told my partner that I value receiving oral sex to the point that if it’s not in the relationship then that’s a deal breaker. I was clear and that was 5 months ago.

For me, oral sex, in addition to feeling great, is a symbolic gesture of giving to the other. It’s putting the other person’s pleasure ahead of my own. This has been communicated to my partner. I’ve NEVER thought that a vagina smells or tastes good, and I’ve NEVER had an orgasm from GIVING my partner oral. In fact, it was ALWAYS uncomfortable at first, but I did it anyway because I wanted to give my partner pleasure. 

Now, if my partner can’t do the same for me, that’s a problem. THAT is why this is a deal breaker for me, because they are unwilling to get over themselves, their discomfort, their [whatever] it is. Of course there are exceptions. If they were sexually abused or had some other traumatic thing happen which prevents them from doing that, I can understand, but if there’s hasn’t been something like that? Hmmm…it’s not looking good.

Now that I’m in this situation–and it isn’t over (yet)–I can see that there are clearly only a few options. a) Either I get over it and forfeit, forget about receiving, and accept that my partner won’t do it for WHATEVER reason (completely her right), b) I wait because she said that she’ll do it when she feels comfortable as the OP did even though I’ve been completely clear about this and have waited over 4 months, or c) end the relationship and move on.

Fact is, we both have the right to want what we want. I don’t think either of us are wrong for that. That’s awesome that she doesn’t feel comfortable giving oral sex. More power to her. It just turns out that we want different things, and that this thing turns out to be critically important.

I’m not willing to forfeit this, so that’s out of the question.

As for waiting, if she, or any other partner who I cared about, told me that something like that was important to them, I wouldn’t waste any time. Degrading? Please. I’ve given her oral so many times. I don’t buy it. How can she feel degraded if I’ve already done it to her plenty of times? So yeah, I would give someone about 3 months longer than it would take me to make it happen if the tables were reversed, because if she told me that, I would have got on my knees that minute, asked how she likes it, gave it my best shot, and repeated that just about every day/night  until she told me she was good. 🙂

So…

I think I’ve waited long enough.

Which takes me to the Third Option. It really is simple: I prefer a woman who GIVES oral sex. Keyword being GIVES. If she doesn’t give, then she’s not the woman for me. I move on and find what I want and she can get what she wants and not give oral. End of story.

And it’s really too bad that it’s not that easy. Emotions and attachments make it tough, but hey, that’s life I guess. After 34 years I’ve found that every one of the things that were extremely rewarding were also extremely difficult.

Here’s what’s really important though:

You can read forums and comments all day and all night, talk to friends, family, coworkers, read self-help books, see therapists and counselors, but…

ONLY YOU CAN DEFINE WHAT IS AND ISN’T ACCEPTABLE TO YOU IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Good luck and god speed!

Post # 393
Member
631 posts
Busy bee

Ew… i can’t believe he did that. At least you have your head screwed on properly. If he threatens a breakup over this, do yourself a huge favor abs break up. The right guy will never want you to be sexually uncomfortable. Unfortunately there are a lot of “close but not quite right” relationships and I think he did you a favor by showing you who he is before you sign legal documents!

Post # 394
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My two cents: I’ve never had any problem giving oral sex and have never had a problem swallowing.. discomfort isn’t (in my mind) a valid excuse for not wanting to give pleasure to someone you love. The fact is, if you love someone, giving them pleasure makes you feel good and slight discomfort/gag reflex/whatever isn’t really a big deal for me. If my husband didn’t want to do the same for me I’d feel pretty hurt… like he was disgusted by me or something. So I can totally understand why the guy has a problem with it and is considering leaving her over it… I would most probably leave someone over that as well.

Where I would draw the line would be if my partner wanted me to do something that physically hurt me (like anal sex.. some people love it, I don’t.. it’s very painful). So.. if the OP has a similar problem with oral sex (like, she hates it THAT much..) then I can see why she wouldn’t want to do it. But I can also see why her fiance would leave her over it.

My rule is – if it doesn’t hurt you and it makes your partner happy, get over yourself and do it. If it hurts you, don’t do it. If the other person leaves you over it, he/she’s entitled to and it means you weren’t compatible.

Post # 395
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Also the fact that you even mind doing it so much can just simply mean that he’s not the right guy.. whenever I’ve been really attracted to someone and really loved them, it just came to me naturally and I really wanted to do it. When I was with a guy that I wasn’t that sure about and wasn’t that attracted to, I didn’t want to do it at all. So that can also be a sign that it’s just not right.

Post # 396
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee

Every guy I have been with wants oral sex. I hate it. My Fiance has told me it is normal. My female friend said it is not normal and her husband asked her to do it until she got married, then suddenly it stopped. I am praying this will be my case. My female friend said oral sex was designed for lesbians. sorry, to anyone I offended. I did not say this.

Post # 397
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

Engaging it sexual activity against a person’s will by means of coercsion is rape. Threatening to break off your engagement cause you won’t swallow?! That’s a horrible breed of coercision. I’d show him the door.

Post # 398
Member
3722 posts
Sugar bee

What kind of a world are we living in when people believe a sex act (and a partner’s willingness to engage in it) defines the “success” of a relationship? To be that fixated on your genitals and your perceived entitlement to be pleasured in the means of YOUR choice is narcissistic and disturbing.  Anyone who makes those sort of demands and pressures their partner to do something they do not want to do is selfish and insensitive and a poor choice for lifelong partner.

Post # 399
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I havent read through all of the comments so others may have said this already.

While he is pressuring you, I feel like from his side, he may think he is being honest about something that could end up being a huge problem in your marraige. He may think he should tell you now instead of getting married, having the problem escalate, and then maybe getting his satisfaction from someone else. 

So yes, what he is doing is wrong because of the way he is pressuring you – but he may be doing it because he doesnt want to hurt you later on. 

I understand that some women find it degrading, but its all about your perspective. For me, it gives me a power trip. I am the one in control, in power. It gives me confidence and makes me feel sexy. Maybe if you try thinking about it differently, you would feel more comfortable trying it. But no matter what, you should always feel safe in sexual situations. That comes before anything else – so open up to him and let him know what about the act makes you feel degraded and how you can do the act in a way that gives you the power (maybe tie his hands behind his back so you really have control?) 

Post # 400
Hostess
5622 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

My opinion may be unpopular, but I can really see two sides to this.

Honestly, I think you may have set unrealistic expectations when you told him that you’d try. He probably got it into his mind that you would, indeed, try. You have since changed your mind and now he seems unhappy with that. You also knew that this was something that he was into, and that he wanted. Yet, you chose to pursue a relationship with him [I’m guessing.. thinking that he would change his mind into not wanting it as often].

I, in no way, think that nobody should EVER do anything [sexually, or otherwise] because their partner wants them to. However, I do feel that sometimes we must comprimose with our partners. There will always be things that you or him don’t want to do.

Honestly, I’m not a fan of oral, giving or receiving. I don’t let him give it at all, and I do oral on him rarely [maybe every few months]. But I DO do it. To make him happy, and to keep our relationship lively. This is something that I’ve known from the very begin that he expected, and I never expected him to not want them. Do I like doing it? No, not really. But he does plenty of things for me that he doesn’t WANT to do. But because he loves me. It’s all about give and take.

Post # 401
Hostess
5622 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Whoops. This was an old post that was bumped. I would hope this situation had been solved by now!

Post # 402
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
DazedConfused:  I came across your post while searching for insight from others who might be going through what I am, and I am so curious as to how and if this issue was ever resolved. My issue with my SO is so similar. I know how it feels to have your value in the relationship seem to come down to this and how dehumanizig that is. I think my boyfriend may propose next month and everything else about our relationship is great…But his demand for more than he already gets, which is a lot, borders on emotional blackmail or even abuse. If you’re still on this board, I’d love to hear how you’re doing and how you handled this. 🙂

Post # 403
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

Old post but my two cents. Obvious sexual incompatibility. Complete lack of respect for each other. Doomed relationship. Looking down on his sexual preferences is just as douchebaggy as his passive aggressive ‘shove it down her throat whether she wants it or not’ tactics. The fact that neither of them has ended it screams WEAK! She should recognize that she will never give in to his deepest desires and set him free. He should recognize that as well and leave, rather than be a controlling jerkwad. 

This should read, “when codependant man meets codependent woman, they try to change each other……….” 

Op, sorry for the harsh words. Find the strength in you to leave a man you don’t really love or the passion to truely submit to him, as he should also to you. It may look rosy in many ways, but when ur gut is telling you something, pay attention. To truely love means being able to submit, without being taken. Know your own boundaries. Do not judge other’s because they are different. Either embrace or move on. The only way to be true to yourself.

Post # 404
Member
20 posts
Newbee

Wow. Very old thread but I know my SO would never want me to do anything that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t mind giving oral but I will never swallow, like ever. He knows that. It’s cute because when we watch porn together he always covers my eyes at the end when they end finishing in the girls faces.. Or worse.. Mouths! 

Post # 405
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I’m a guy who pressured and manipulated women into doing things they didn’t want to do.  My current girl didn’t want to go down on me and swallow, but she later changed her mind and now looks forward to it.

That being said, however, you don’t sound as if you’re speaking from ignorance or naivete, which is what I had to deal with.  You know perfectly well what you don’t like, and you still don’t like it.  If he’s still pressing you, he’s making it all about him.  He’s being a complete jerk.  This makes me wonder if he’s willing to compromise about anything.  In any event, I think you should dump him now, because you’re relationship is ultimately doomed anyway.  Either he’s going to end it because he’s incredibly selfish, or you’re going to end it because you can’t deal with him anymore.

The topic ‘I Feel Like I’m Being Bullied Into Giving Oral Sex’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors